Comedian - 2

“What’s the deal with all comedians starting their act with ‘what’s the deal with.....’? They all have a fixed set of sentences. They all go like ‘what’s the deal with this. What’s the deal with that? Last time I checked, two thousand was a big number.’ And they all laugh about it. I don’t get it. I seriously don’t. I mean where the hell do you get to check if thousand is a big number or not? And even if there is such a place, didn’t you know it already that thousand is a pretty big number? I would say half of the people laughing out so loud are laughing at their stupidity more than their jokes.

Anyways, I just wanted to know how come all these comedians come up with the same sort of lines and the same kind of style. I mean, is there something like a meeting held by you guys somewhere in private? Or is there something like a Bible or an encyclopaedia that you guys follow? If there are such things, why am I not aware of them? After all I too am a comedian. Maybe not a big shot. But surely I have class. I wouldn’t be cracking up so many people in the same restaurant for five years otherwise. Some of them have even turned up for the same act twice. So either I am a good comedian or those people have really got nothing else to do with their lives. I want to remove the second option but then looking at the number of beer glasses per table, I have a feeling that I am sort of right to assume that it’s really not me. It’s their lives.

Anyways, did I tell you guys about the movie that I went for the other day? Well, for those who have already come here once before this week, I guess I have told you. But I don’t think it would do us harm to hear it again, would it? And besides, I don’t have anything else to talk about. So unless a fool amongst you stands up to me and says ‘That’s it jerk. You are so damn repetitive. Even I could do better than this’, I shall stand my ground, and continue talking.

So I go to the theatre. The movie’s awesome. Dil Chahta Hai. I bet most of you here like it. Now we can easily answer questions like my favourite character is him or her or whatever. But I got an important question. What do you guys have to say about Rohit? Okay I guess not many of you know remember him. Let me remind you. Rohit is the guy whose parents took care of Shalini since her childhood after her parents passed away. Rohit falls in love with Shalini and decides to marry her. But Shalini has fallen for Aakash. And then there are instances wherein Rohit is shown to be very possessive about Shalini. In fact he even punches Aakash in the face once. But finally Aakash turns up on the Sangeet night before their marriage and proposes to Shalini in front of almost 300 people, who by the way have got nothing to do with the 300 men who fought for Sparta in the movie 300. Although now that I think of it, it would be pretty interesting to have those 300 people here, wouldn’t it? Anyways, let’s not deviate here. I must accept it though. It is really difficult to just swing around this notional concept of having those 300 men over here and not say a word about it. But I shall control my urge to make fun.

So now, back to where we were, Aakash proposes to Shalini in front of so many people. Rohit comes forward to punch Aakash again. But his father stops him. They take Shalini in a room and question her about her preferences. You know, stuff like ‘what sort of a guy you like and who’s her type’ and all that. And then they come out of the room. Rohit’s father plays the old game of making everyone think that he does not support Aakash and Shalini, and then finally in his last line, he asks her to marry Aakash after scolding her so much. And then Shalini hugs Aakash. Rohit is not happy. He comes forward to take Shalini forcibly. Aakash stops him and punches him in the face. He falls down. Aakash gives him a hand to get up. He gets up and leaves. All is well. Nicely done. Now I have one major question. What do you think about Rohit? Hate him? I am sure. But I think you should look at the story from his point of view before judging him. Here goes.

‘I fell in love with the girl who was brought up by my own parents as if their own daughter. I liked her a lot. She was very pretty and bubbly. I just wanted to spend my life with her. But there was this guy who was after her. And she too sort of acted as if she liked him a little bit. But she never told me that she doesn’t want to be with me. So I started getting frustrated and became more and more possessive day by day. Finally it was one day before my marriage. Almost 300 guests were there (Oh come on! Could we just stick to ‘many guests’ rather than that number? It’s becoming more difficult for me to control). All the guests were my friends, relatives, etc. They all respected me. Then Aakash turns up and proposes to MY girl in MY wedding in front of MY guests. I get mad and want to hit him. MY father stops me. MY father, MY mother, MY girl go and talk inside MY house. They all come out. MY father decides to marry off MY girl to MY competitor. And this decision is made in MY marriage in front of all MY guests. So I get mad. I want to hit Aakash. MY face gets punched by Aakash. MY father sits quiet. MY guests are just watching. I fall down on MY ground. I take Aakash’s hand and get up and then walk away. Just walk away. Leaving MY girl behind in MY enemy’s hands in MY own marriage and MY own parents on his side.’

This is my point. I feel sorry for him more than hatred or anger. And those who still don’t feel sorry for him, it’s about time you buy yourself a heart. And guess what the worst part is. After going through so much, he doesn’t even get to be the lead actor. I mean this guy’s life is sad man. Totally sad. He just got insulted in front of three....so many people. Please let’s not say the number. I am working really hard to suppress my urges here.

But this was not my main story by the way. My main story was about this guy who was in the theatre. I don’t know where he was sitting. His cell phone started ringing in the middle of the movie. And I was like totally angered by it. But then I gave him the benefit of one mistake. He might have forgotten to put it in silent mode. But I was wrong. This guy does not switch off his cell phone or turn it to silent mode. He receives the call. Okay, I say. Maybe an emergency. Maybe somebody is waiting outside or something like that. But no. He is simply talking to his friend about organizing a party. And that was the limit. He was like ‘Thursday? Thursday’s good? Oh yeah, her exams are getting over on Thursday right? Yeah yeah. Yeah I am bringing the food. We have a few more burgers added right? Yeah sure. What are you going to do with that repair work in your house? Really? Great man. Now we got all the time we want. Friday? No man Friday’s not good for me. I got new movies to watch man. You know me. Always catching the first shows. Sunday is good. Sid is coming? What time? That’s too early man. We gotta chill at night man .Not on Sunday. We have an entire free week after that. Yeah. You didn’t know? Classes postponed right? So when do we have it? God it’s tough.’

And then suddenly someone from somewhere else in the hall shouts ,
’HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOR GOD’S SAKE’.
And then someone else somewhere else in the hall goes like ‘Hey I am not free on Monday. I gotta rewatch this movie’. There were a few laughs among the crowd here and there. And then the comments started coming in. All making fun of the guy talking on phone. Pretty funny comments. And then I thought, maybe I should put in my own comment. A funny one. I have got to think of one. After all comedy is what I do for a living. So I seize my moment and shout out

‘Even we have phones you know?’

Silence. Stunned silence. Nobody laughs. Nobody chuckles. Nobody sneezes. Although I bet I heard a popcorn crunch. And then another guy goes ‘That was sad man. You gotta work on that!’ And then more started pouring in.

‘Yeah man. That was sad. Real sad.’

‘You could get a job to talk at funerals man.’

‘Did I miss something? Sorry I had slept off because of the immense boredom of that comment.’

‘I like the phone guy better now.’

‘We hate you. Show yourself.’

‘I feel like walking out right now. I mean the movie is awesome. But I bet I almost walked out.’

It was so embarrassing. I was just thankful that nobody knew that it was me, the guy who earns a living out of making jokes.
It was a sad day for me. But I didn’t get demoralised. I took inspiration from Rohit. I mean, what was my insult compared to his insult? Here, not a single person knew it was me. There, all 300 of them knew that it was him. Yes I know I know. I am controlling it. It’s really hard. 300 warriors present in the wedding (rather, the Sangeet). Oh what the hell? Who am I kidding? I can’t hold it in anymore.
‘(The leader shouting)SPAAAAARTAAAA. WHO ARE WE WITH?’
‘(chorus) HOO.... HOO.....’
‘(The leader again)SPAAAAAARTAAA. THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHO ARE WE SUPPORTING?’
‘(chorus) HOO....HOO....’
‘(Leader, pained now) You know what? Just go ahead and kill whoever comes first. We will say we were supporting the other guy.’”
He took a bow and left. They all started applauding. It was routine. They ate their food and left. Many of them would come back for his next act soon.

PS : No offence to Dil Chahta Hai or 300. Both are classics. Do watch them if you haven’t.

Sarcastic Exaggeration

Here are a few important guidelines for aspiring city-dwellers as far as movement within a crowded city is concerned.

Guidelines for new drivers in the city :

1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.

2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.

3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.

4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.

5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.

6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.

7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.

8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.

9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.

10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.

11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.

12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!


Guidelines for pedestrians :

1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.

2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.

3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.

4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!

5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!


Guidelines for bikers :

1)Always overtake from the left side.

2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.

3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.

4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.

5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.

6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!

P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.

Uncalculated Proposal

The Whisperer irritating.....

I once attended a class. It was a very innovative concept. I can’t describe it much. Because I couldn’t listen to everything that was going on. Because obviously the whisperer was present. We were all audience to a group of people who were taking the class for some time now. It was a promotional exercise conducted by the class management to get more people to join it. The whisperer seemed to be brought to the demonstration forcibly. It was clear that he thought that the concept was foolish.

Teacher : We have all heard that to be successful in life, you should (not attend such classes) take over your weaknesses. You should convert them into your strengths. Today’s class is going to help us learn to do that (A class to ‘help’ us learn? More like a class to ‘make’ us learn). Now, it is a pretty simple thing that we are going to do today (raise our left foot as high as we can?). To summarize it, we are going to listen to one weakness that each person in this class has. And we are going to suggest to that person ways in which he or she could convert them into a strength (What? You got to be kidding me). Let me give you an example (It’s like explaining your joke. Feels bad, doesn’t it?). Rakesh here has a weakness of forgetting things very fast (what was his name?). We all know how difficult it is to get him to remember when and where our next class is going to be (Oh! I wish I were Rakesh). So for his example, I might suggest a method to convert this into a strength. What Rakesh has is a gift (from?). A gift from God himself (Oh I doubt that lady). To use it properly, Rakesh must gain control over this weakness and he can then use it to forget only those things that he wants to forget (like his wife’s birthday). Say for example somebody hurting his feelings. We all know holding a grudge does us no good (it does to me). Rakesh can make it very easy for himself to not hold a grudge against anyone. Because he simply won’t remember the pain that person caused. Do you agree with me Rakesh?

Rakesh : Totally madam (hey! He remembered that she was a lady)

Teacher : So class, let’s begin to conquer our weaknesses (by running out of this room?). Starting from you Riya. What do you think is your greatest weakness?

Riya : Okay. I don’t know which one to say (oh come on. Spill it already). But I think my problem is that I am too self-conscious (of course you are. You are a girl!). I give a lot of importance to myself. I tend to get a little shaky in parties assuming that everyone is simply observing me (Shaky? So that’s why they say you dance so well?). Yeah. That’s it. That’s my greatest weakness.

Teacher : Very good Riya. It takes immense courage to acknowledge your weakness. And you have just demonstrated it. So class, can anyone come up with a solution to that now? Yes Sagar.

Sagar : What I think is our friend should start writing articles (could we talk about Riya rather than your friend) and short stories or maybe even a novel (going too far little boy). And she could do this in the first person. Everybody likes to read stuff that is in first person (as long as that ‘stuff’ is not a book). She will be able to describe her feelings really well because she knows quite a lot about them (apparently, that is the only thing she knows!). What Riya can write is something all of us think about us from within but are not able to put it in words. I think Riya can do it quite well.

Teacher : Excellent Sagar (Bravo Sagar). There you go Riya. Sagar just opened up a world of choices for you (now it’s your job to close it). You can start writing (What are you waiting for? The main character to form in your mind?). Okay let’s take the next person (and throw him out of the window into the garbage pit before he comes up with a stupid weakness). Tell us your weakness Sameer.

Sameer : Uh. Let me think. I am trying to come up with something that is really weak in me. Can I think for some more time? (I got it. He is slow in his mind. Maybe he should be a listener. That’s a great job. Doesn’t pay much though!)

Teacher : Sure Sameer. We will take Gautam in the meantime (open the window guys). Yes Gautam, you seem to be wanting to tell something really badly (or maybe he just wants to use the bathroom).

Gautam : I want to tell my weakness. My weakness is my anger (woah! Careful people). My loved ones keep telling me that I do the meanest things when I am angry (‘Loved ones’ seems to be a misnomer then). There was this time when I once threw a plate full of food out of the window because my wife had not cooked it like I wanted her to (I kinda like the Hulk more now). I don’t even remember doing this in my anger (maybe it was a dream. But then I guess yours came true!). But now that I look back, I feel like a moron for being so angry at her (Oh come on. You could do worse. Like shooting her in the eye with a bullet that you yourself make sharp by rubbing it on a knife’s edge which can be a backup in case she lives).

Teacher : That is very mature of you to accept it Gautam (In short, we agree with you that you are a moron). Other than the fact that you have realised your mistake now, I think this class will provide you with more suggestions on ways to control it (How about buying plates that are nailed to the table?). Okay then. Who has the solution? You can speak Jasmine (flowers don’t speak. Oh. Okay. Got it. My bad)

Jasmine : I think Gautam can be very good in the army. He can learn to control his anger and direct it in the right direction (yeah right. Next thing we know might be that he blew up our entire army over an argument about who is stronger : Superman or a battle tank?)

Teacher: That is a very innovative suggestion Jasmine. There you go Gautam. You can always be an army man (yeah. You have to just give a test and run like a dog on the ground for five years). Okay we have one more solution from Dilip. You can speak Dilip.

Dilip : Well I think anger is something that can’t really be controlled. I think
anger has to be destroyed. I think Gautam should go for anger management course (seems like the plate belonged to Dilip!)

Teacher : It is a person to person case really. This class is not meant to discuss each person’s private life (Oh thank God). We should provide them with options that they can choose. That was very kind of you Dilip to try and help Gautam (But who is going to help Dilip now?). Okay I think David has a weakness now. You can speak David.

David : I tend to take a lot of tension (What? Really? That is terrible? Will you be alright? Please talk to me. Loser!). Even small things make me very tense. Small things like a punctured tyre, some undone business, some disagreement (some new species of bird discovered?). It could be anything. I just worry a lot about it.

Teacher : That is a very common problem in our country David (sad). And we wonder why there are so many BP patients in our country (so we have finally figured out the reason. Now let’s figure out the cure). Okay. So has anyone come up with a solution? Yes Rohit. Please speak.

Rohit : He can take up a job which requires minute attention (like observing a dog hiding his bone?). Say for example he could be an inspector in a car-making industry (I think those jobs are already taken). Or any other industry which requires attention to detail (tell me one industry which does not!). Because it seems he won’t take deviations from standard values lightly. He will be very tensed about them. That’s what companies are looking for (yeah right. People who go berserk if one product has failed in an inspection)

Teacher : Very good Rohit. That was a very nice suggestion. Hope it helps David in some way (maybe he can calibrate his ears with the sound levels coming out of Rohit’s mouth). Okay. Sameer seems to have finally come up with something (Finally!). Please speak Sameer (For God’s sake Sameer, please speak now).

Sameer : I think my problem is that I am more of a words man than an action man (how precise!). My weakness is that I am full of words but my actions are not even close to what I say. I hope you get what I am trying to say (we are not fools now, Sameer)

Teacher : Definitely Sameer. And I think somebody already has a solution for you. You can speak Jasmine (I think he should be a sales executive).

Jasmine : He can be a manager or a sales executive (Huh? Am I that loud? I need to calibrate my sound levels myself)

Teacher : That was really funny and enlightening at the same time Jasmine (Thank you). Rakesh, you can speak (Was that a question or an order?).

Rakesh : (Isn’t he the guy with amnesia?) I think Sameer should be in the entertainment business. Like an actor or something. I think he will do good there (And I was expecting him to say ‘Where are we?’)

Teacher : Good one Rakesh (We will remember that. Unlike you). There you go Sameer. You have two options now. Okay class. I think that is all for this exercise. I hope you got the gist of it. We will be having this exercise once every week (why is everything bad called ‘exercise’?). Next week I want all of you to come with written weaknesses (That’s a good business for the paper industry). That will make this more organised (We can then call it ‘organised foolishness’). That is all for now class. We will meet next week. I will mail you the timings. Thank you. (Who is going to bring Rakesh?)

The whisperer seems to be losing his touch now. But then who cares? I never liked him anyways (That’s what they keep telling themselves on and on. Love me or hate me. But you cannot go without thinking about me)

Television

There is so much humour around all of us. Most of it is contained in a 14 inch box set on a top of a table in almost all houses. The box has everything in it. It makes people laugh sometimes and it makes them cry sometimes. There are always people who laugh even when the box intends to make them cry but then that is a problem with those people. Let’s not go into the details of those pathethic feelingless morons. Then there are times when the box makes wars that last for a lifetime.Wars for gaining control of the box using a smaller box. Wars between siblings, parent and child, parent and parent, child and child’s leaky friend from the neighbourhood and many more. The smaller box has to go through all sorts of hands : fair, dark, big, small, medium,hairy, very hairy, more hairy, gorilla hairy, holy moly hairy. Whoever commands the smaller box commands the bigger box. Provided the enemy is lazy enough to not get up and walk to the bigger box and control it from there. But then that is a given most of the time. The box is also known to make peace though. Peace between people who want the same thing from the box.

But it isn’t a wonder that there is so much war over the box. The box is priceless. It has a lot to offer. The ding sound that comes when you switch the box on arguably excites a person as much as the lub dub of the heart of a dying patient excites a doctor. When the sound comes, the body falls. Onto the couch into the hole that is shaped like a human. And then the thumb controls the smaller box. The bigger box in the meantime goes from a cat chasing a mouse to an airplane bombing a ship to three people singing and dancing with girls around them to a man telling you news to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way. But it looks boring from the box’s point of view. All it sees is the guy scrolling the smaller box and at the same time looking around behind him and then again scrolling.

Then there are serials. When a person discovers something shocking in a serial, he is shown from all angles. His face comes in from the left first, then the right, then the top, then the bottom of the screen. I tried to figure out why they show it to us like that and it seems that they do it to give it a touch of reality, as in to make the viewers feel like this is happening for real. Yeah right! When we see a person shocked in real life, we turn our heads to the right and then to him and then to the left and then again to him and then we look down and then look at him and then we look up and then again at him. And all this at lightning speed. I would say that this would shock the person even more because our heads will just drop at his feet.

And then there are advertisements. Celebrities come in and tell you that they are good-looking because they use so and so cream. In other words, they are saying that you should also use this cream if you are not using it already. In other words, they are saying that if you are not using that cream, you are ugly. And you obviously are not using that cream because you don’t even know about the cream which is why you have been watching the advertisement till now. So finally, all they are saying is that you are ugly! And some creams even guarantee payback if you don’t see a difference in a few days. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that you are so ugly that even the cream can’t help you?

And then there are movies. I don’t even know where to start.

So I won’t start on them. Bye. Take care.

P.S: No offence to anything or anyone. I am rather expecting incentive from everyone mentioned for publicity. Except the leaky boy in the neighbourhood of course. He can have it for free. Just stay away.

Big Day at Work.

Life was good. Everything was going on well. The business was going good. Money was pouring in. It always does in my business. An economic boost and a recession are terms that I have only heard of on the T.V while going through news channels. I just knew that the people were tight on money. I wasn’t even going through the news channels on purpose. I was just flipping through channels when I came across these terms. But who cared for such terms? My business was free of such ups and downs. That is an advantage of being a thief!

I won’t say I was the best. Little Nicky was known to be the best. But I think I was better than him. His size was always an advantage that he had. He was a little man. He could make it through windows which were left half open or any other such openings. I could not. What could I do? I was given this huge body by the almighty. It would have been very useful in the old times where there were no weapons and a man’s strength would be decided by the strength of his arms. But the situation now is different. You see trolls mastered by men who can be picked up by their hair.

Anyways, let me tell you about what happened to me. There was this house that I had to rob. The man living there was rich for sure. He had a nice car and I had never seen anybody else going in or coming out of his house. He was rich and alone, an ideal target for two kinds of people – a single girl and a thief. I obviously fall in the latter category. He did have many friends though. He would greet many people on his way to his parking and also at work. Yes I did follow him till there. I am a professional. I choose my targets very carefully. Again I can draw a comparison to a single girl stalking him. But she would be looking for any bad habits and other girls that the target is going out with. I, on the other hand, follow him just to know his schedule. But in the process I do end up finding his bad habits and his girlfriends too! But then I don’t care about them. I am a professional you see?

So I knew this person would not return home till ten on a Friday night. I had made the whole plan. His house was one of those row houses, royal enough for him to be called rich. All the houses in the row were alike. His lawn was properly maintained. It was very easy for me. Once it was dark, I would just walk to the main gate and then climb and jump on the other side on the lawn. Then I would run to the main door of the house. Now here is the catch. Here is the reason why I had chosen this house out of the row of similar looking houses. This man had just assumed that nobody was stalking him. And he used to keep his keys somewhere in the bushes besides his door. I had seen him do that secretly. And that is when I had decided that he was my man. Normally I can get through closed doors without keys. But that would make a little bit of noise. I had kept that as a backup plan.

Finally the day came. I had long awaited this day. My nose itched a lot since the morning. Going through my previous experience, it meant bad luck for me. The last time my nose itched, the house that I was robbing went all bong bong! There were alarms installed. I had managed a very close escape then. But then I am a professional. I didn’t believe in such blind beliefs. I went to my normal place from where I watched his house early morning, just to make sure he was leaving. And he did so. And he even hid the key in the bushes. He was looking more cheerful than ever though. And he was greeting more people than usual. I didn’t have time to notice this. Probably a big day at work. I kept telling myself these words. A big day at work. Not only for him, but for me too. I smiled, got up and left. I would come back later in the evening and clean his house, if you know what I mean! I was all ready and geared up. I dressed myself in casuals. Everything was well planned I believed. I took a suitcase and started walking towards the bus stop. I took a bus till a stop near his house. It was dark already. It was almost eight. I just needed fifteen minutes to clean his house. I hid myself in a shade of trees in the darkness. Only the moonlight was there. I opened the suitcase and took out my uniform. A black flexible outfit to cover the body and a mask to cover the face in case there were cameras. I changed very fast. In no time, I was on his lawn and running towards the main door with the jute racks that I had brought in the suitcase. I had left the suitcase in the cover of the trees.

While running, my nose started itching worse than ever. And that was the time when my heart spoke to me. It asked me to turn and that this could very well be my last chance. I didn’t listen. I was a professional. It was a big day. For him and me. For the hunter and the hunted. I kept on telling myself that till I finally reached the bushes. Without making any sound, I just moved my hand through it. And it hit something immediately. It was a wooden box. My estimate was very accurate. I opened the box slowly. And there it lay. Silver and shining in the moonlight, my pass to get through this main door, they key of the door! How foolish could the man get? I looked around. I saw nobody. It was very dark. Even if there was somebody, there was no way they could see me. I put the key into the keyhole and turned. My nose was scratching a lot. But I was too excited. Big day at work. On the other side of this door lay a treasure that would be mine forever. As usual, I opened the door very fast, sneaked inside and closed it as soon as I was inside. All this at lightning speed. It was dark inside too. But as soon as I turned, the lights went on and around a twenty people were standing there and all of them went like ‘Surpraaaaaaaaaise!’

I am ashamed of what I am about to say. I got scared for sure. Anybody would. But I was so shocked that my heart beat rate increased ten times and the only thing that came out of my mouth was ‘HOLY MOLY!’ I don’t know what that meant. In fact I don’t even remember my exact words. I just remember seeing the complex expressions of a few people. I also remember taking two steps near the sofa. But my heart beat had increased so much that I passed out! Me, the greatest thief, second only to Little Nicky, fainted in front of twenty people while doing my work on the biggest day of my life. I fainted! But the words kept on going on in my mind. Big day at work, for him and me. Big day at work, for him and me.

When I opened my eyes, I was here in jail as expected. Now they tell me that the jail doctor is going to diagnose me for my “illness”. My reputation is all ruined. Initially I was the thief who was the second best. Now I am the thief who fainted! I guess I am going to stay here for quite a long time now. I will keep writing about my incidents as a thief though. And other thieves’ stories too. There isn’t much to do around here. They do give me a pencil and a paper to write though. And food to eat too. Food that you might call disgusting. But I like the food here. It’s for free after all. And for the first time, I am eating something that I have earned! Not exactly earned. But you could say I didn’t steal this food. That is as good as earning. The doctor is here then. I should get myself checked then. And as for my tragic incident, I guess you already got the catch. It wasn’t a big day at his office for him. It was his birthday! See you again then. Bye.

Summer heat.

Here it comes again.
The heat that causes so much pain.
It makes people who are sane,
Do things that are totally insane.

Let me give you an example.
I could even call it a sample.
A friend caught fire on his hair,
And he ran around here and there like a hare.
What, you may ask, was wrong with the sun.
Had he decided to have some fun?

Does anyone of you like Maggi out there?
That thing that looks like an ox’s hair.
Well, they can’t sell raw Maggi anymore.
It gets cooked right up to the core.
That is the amount of heat around here.
Saying this brings in me a huge tear.

Water-shortage problem no longer prevails.
Even though water-bottle companies see a drop in sales.
They have all started biting their nails,
Because the substitute used is the sweat of all males.

The greatest torture still remains.
It is worse than the beatings of all the canes.
Sitting in a lecture is what I am referring to.
Just sitting and absorbing heat there is what we do.
We think when the teaching gets steady,
Aren’t we suffering enough already?

Summer is here, summer is here.
Finally something that we all can fear.
But God still considers us all very dear.
So just enjoy as long as you are here!

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am writing this letter to you sitting here on the last bench of my maths class. I am really scared God. Please help me. I know I have not been praying for many days now and that I haven’t been respecting you too much. But Mummy always says that you do exist. I didn’t believe her. But somewhere inside me, I knew I did. I have always believed in you my lord. Please get me out of this situation. Please help me this one time and I will do anything for you. I guarantee that. Please have some mercy. These tears falling from my eyes onto this ruled page are not made up my lord.

I know you might be present somewhere around here but I will tell you the situation in brief just in case you have not noticed what’s going on. My teacher is making students stand up one by one and asking them how they solved each question in the homework that she gave a week ago. There are ten questions. I just calculated and found out that I am the tenth man in the line. I am going to have to answer the last question. I have read it my lord. But I have no idea what it is about. The only words that make sense to me are Tom, cake shop, cakes, cost of one cake, total cost, etc. Don’t you agree with me that this doesn’t really form a part of maths?

Oh my god! She has reached the eighth person. Please God. Do something. I don’t want to face her. Please lord. Wait a minute. Why is that new student late? He is saying something like he couldn’t find out where the classroom was. Chump! Anyways, please think of a way my lord. I have heard so much of you. Please apply your magic here. Yes, yes! Do that! Make me the eleventh man! Make the boy sit in front of me. The seat is empty. Yes come on. Make him keep walking. Yes that’s it. Almost there. Keep walking. Yeah right there. Sit. Sit. Yes! Thank you so much my lord. Thank you very much. I can never repay you back, my lord. I can never repay you back.

By the way, I hope you are not expecting me to pray and all that now. Thanks for the favour. But praying isn’t really my style. I hope you didn’t take that seriously. It was just a deal okay? Don’t feel sad. It’s all just business. Pure business.

Teacher: Hey you there. That boy behind the new student scribbling something on that paper. Give a summary of how all the questions were solved.

Spiderman

“I was watching Spiderman the other day. The movie is good. But what the hell is the deal with his girlfriend? In the third part of the movie, she wants Spiderman to give her more attention. I didn’t get it. The guy is Spiderman. So what if he is not giving you his time? As long as he is calling you his girlfriend, you should be more than happy. Come on, the guy can climb walls for heaven’s sake. He can stop a moving train without applying brakes. What more do you want from a guy?

And if this shocked you, listen to what our hero does when his girlfriend tells him that she is done with him. The guy starts crying! No no. Not crying. The guy starts sobbing! What kind of a fool is he? I mean….he knows that he is one hell of a person with super powers and all that. And he is using that to save mankind from evil and this tiny person is trying to stop him. I would say that his girlfriend is his biggest enemy. The green goblin, doc oc, venom, sandman can’t make Spidey cry. But this girl with no super powers is making him cry. The girl is not even special. Believe me. All she knows is to shout. She has those piercing screams when she is kidnapped by someone. The scream is so irritating that if I were Spiderman, I would save her from the villain, but only because I want to do the honour of killing her myself. That’s how irritatingly she screams. But I guess it’s understandable. After all being kidnapped by a person with four mechanical arms isn’t really an experience that I have.

So let me tell you about the crying baby here. I just couldn’t believe it when spidey started crying. Grow up dude! You can so easily move on. You can get a better girl than her anytime. Come on man! You got stuff just popping our of your wrists man. Girls love that kind of stuff! And you got a sixth sense too. You can sense when your girl is mad at you or not. You are an ideal guy to be with. Girls would kill for you. And about this present girl of yours, I say you must torture her. You are saving innocent lives here man. And if that girl of yours is trying to stop you by blackmailing you emotionally, you should just tie her up somewhere in your cupboard. That sticky stuff that pops out of you could prove to be handy here.

Talking of that sticky stuff, that’s an amazing thing man. You gotta tell me what it’s made of. I tried a lot of stuff at home. I tried mixing all kinds of sticky things man. I don’t wanna go into details. Just that if I ever get into trouble and you saved me, instead of writing that crappy note saying “ Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”, you should rather write the composition of that sticky stuff.

And about that note that you leave all the time, I want to ask many things. Do you actually carry those notes in your pocket? And what if you fail to save someone one day? Do you carry a note for that situation also? Like maybe “Sorry. Couldn’t save you. Your friendly jerk, Spiderman.” And by the way, the note is a bad idea. One day a bank is going to get robbed and you are going to be busy taking care of that stupid girl of yours. The police are going to turn up over there just to find out that the money is missing and a note is displayed saying “Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”! Thieves these days are that smart! The police are going to come after you obviously. Then don’t cry about the fact that the papers say that you are a masked menace and all that crap.

And finally, one piece of advice man. Change your suit. Please do so. Or else you are going to be called a freak jumping in crotch-tight pants all over the city all your life. And no girl is coming after you then. Then don’t cry again!”

P.S : No offence to the movie. Spiderman is and will remain to be one of the best movies ever made. One of my favourites.

The Whisperer - Award ceremony

I am interested in music. Once I got an invitation to attend an award ceremony. I was very excited about it. I dressed up in the best clothes that I could find and went to attend the ceremony. There were performances of singers also. Unfortunately for me, the whisperer was there. But he was mostly quiet in the beginning. I think he too is a fan of music. But then there was one performance by a young singer that wasn’t that good according to the standards of the whisperer. And so he got bored and started commenting after the performance was over and the female host started talking again.

“(What a crappy voice. The guy is a lion-tamer) Ladies and Gentlemen (What about me?). A big round of applause for the young singer (Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to sing another song!). That was a brilliant performance (She is a hell of a liar!). This itself shows the growing attachment of India to music (what crap!). Even the youth are now making brilliant performances (Yeah. Right!). And now is the time that you all have been waiting for (Are they serving food?) . The time to announce the best male singer of the year (Oh! Okay.). To present this award, we would like to call Mr. Ramdev, one of the greatest music composers in the country (Zimbabwe I guess. Never even heard of him).”

Mr. Ramdev was a very tall man. He was well dressed in traditional clothes. Looked like a typical music composer to me. He started speaking.

“All the nominees are so talented this time (so other times they are crappy?) that I guess it might have been very difficult for the jury to choose the best among these great singers. If I were to decide, I would give the award to everyone (That’s why they didn’t put you on the jury). But our culture demands us to compare everyone and select the best out of them (Obviously. This is the only way to identify who the losers are!). Although I don’t support this (we know you are just scared of losing), I think it’s fine as long as it is received in a positive spirit by all the singers (Look who’s talking!). So I guess I have talked too much (Did he hear me?). Let me get to the point (Yeah. The food). The award goes to………. (Oh come on! Just tell it. We gotta go to work tomorrow morning)

Samit Agarwal (WHAT?? THE CHUUUUMP).”

Samit was an unexpected winner. He was not my favourite. Turns out that same applied to the whisperer. Samit was a modern generation singer. Spiked hair, with a shade of green. The look was like he was a rock band member. But he was just a simple person inside gifted with great voice. He had been given a break by a renowned music director who he called Guru. And he was a little nervous person. Seems like he too was shocked. And he was a little weird. A perfect target for the whisperer.

“(What a peacock!)I can’t believe that I am receiving this award (Neither can we kid). I am absolutely stunned (so are we kid!). Okay I didn’t really work on a speech because I wasn’t really expecting to win (we also didn’t bring tomatoes to hit you with). But now that I have been given this award, I guess I am supposed to thank those who helped me (not really. You can just reject the award). Pardon me if I say something wrong (No!). I have never really done this (Yeah. We all have been doing this since we were born!)

So I must start by thanking my girlfriend sitting over there (Gosh! The new generation!). That pretty little girl giggling there (the joke’s on you chump. she can’t believe you won!). She was the one who, in the first place, believed in me and made me consider singing as a career (It’s all because of her then. Get her people!). My parents were not very sure about that but she somehow convinced them to let me at least try (that girl is getting to my nerves now!). If it wasn’t for her, then I would probably never take up singing seriously. (That’s it. I need to have a word with her!)

And of course my parents (the peacocks!). I guess today I have removed all doubts from your mind, haven’t I? (No son. We still don’t trust you) Now do you believe her? (no!) But I am still thankful to you too because you let me give it a shot (what do you mean “still”?). I guess we can drink beer together tonight Dad (Who’s gonna pay?). Don’t worry, I will make sure Mom doesn’t find out.(Dude! You just told her. Along with the whole world!)

And another sincere thanks to Guru sitting there. He launched me (who brought you back then?) and I can never do enough to thank him (You can by not insulting him publicly. The guy is scared to death). He is an awesome person (Nice start). Very cool. Never scolds you at all (That’s why you turned out like this!). Except for that one time in which I was late for the recording, I have never seen (his gun?) him angry. He made the atmosphere very friendly for me (hope you don’t mean literally!). He knew that I was new on the board and that I needed (to be disposed off) time and space (and money!). And he gave me exactly that (the money?). That’s why this award is also shared by him (don’t drag him into this). And I would also like to thank Innovation productions for all the money (is it over?). And of course the jury (they are a bunch of chumps!). I am compelled to say that it was a bold step that they chose me. (and a foolish one!)

And I thank all the people sitting over here for putting up with me with smiling faces (they are waiting for you to get down. You are soooo stabbed!). I hope to see you people next time also(Noooo!). Thank you. (Welcome)”

Poor whisperer. He was really disappointed that his favourite didn’t win. If you are reading this whisperer, you should come see me. I will console you. (Nice try! I don’t trust you!)

Letters

Dear Josh,
Hope you are dead by now. I know it’s silly of me to write this letter. Given that dead mice can’t read. But still I am writing this letter hoping that if not your stinking body, at least your soul shall be literate enough to read this. I want to confess and explain a few things.

First of all, I never wanted to kill you. It was Ralph’s idea. I just wanted you out of my house. The mess that you caused when I was asleep (you have almost brought down the entire house), the embarrassment that you caused when I had guests was simply unbearable. And I guessed I had made myself clear when I tried to shoot you with that gun of mine before you ran back into your hole. But you never got the point. You were always this irritating piece of stinking flesh that liked to trouble me a lot. You might deny this to get yourself into the mice heaven. And I am not talking about my fridge. I am talking about the real mice heaven. But you know how irritating you were.

Second thing is that I wanted to apologize. Not for killing you. In fact I am a little glad that you are dead. When I said that I never wanted to kill you, I was lying. So I was saying. I wanted to apologize to you for killing you secretly. It’s not really my style. I would generally prefer to crush mice or just shoot them. But then you were too good to fall for any of these. That time when I made that whole contraption for you to die, I still don’t know how the hell you found out that it was actually a trap. Did you used to watch Tom and Jerry when I was not home?

Okay whatever. Third thing is that Ralph says hello. We are on a vacation. You may not know this. We left directly from Ralph’s house. As you already know, I haven’t been coming home for many nights now. It’s because of you making that noise. I just hate it. I wish like I could tie your tongue round your body twice. You could guess the magnitude of my anger from the way you died. Oh no wait I forgot. We chose Ralph’s way of killing you. See basically I wanted to blow you up and Ralph wanted to poison you. And we went with Ralph’s method because we need to show your body in the insurance claim. Okay that was a joke. I would like your departed soul to smile at least once. But then I guess it’s difficult to laugh on a joke made on your body like that. So I am sorry once again.

Anyways, I have to go now. Ralph and I are supposed to go see some museum. I hope there are no mice around there.

Hope you have taken the poison.

Your hopeful murderer
Joseph

P.S : There is no escaping. There is a back up plan. Ralph’s darling cat is waiting for you somewhere inside the house! So try to die in a very torturous way. That will make me and the cat feel good.

Reply from Josh.

Dear Joseph,
The cat ate the poison. It’s dead. I am sorry. Tell Ralph to let his future pet cat watch Tom and Jerry. Unpleasant surprises waiting for you back home. Come back soon. Missing you.

Your failed attempt
Kuzo

P.S : For the 100th time, my name is not Josh. It’s Kuzo.

The Whisperer - 2

I went to attend a speech once. It was on inner development. About the mind and all that. I am generally interested in such things a lot. And I really wanted to listen to the speech. But my time there was ruined. The whisperer was present there. My life is all ruined because of him.I can concentrate on two things at a time. So I can hear the whisperer very clearly every time.

The speech started. The man was talking very nicely. Sometimes pausing and sometimes maintaining the flow. But I guess the whisperer got bored and started doing what he does worst. Whispering comments.

“The world is (crap!) just a projection of your mind in front of your eyes (so it’s a lecture on the Matrix now!). You see in the world that what lies within you (My digestive system?). If you find hatred in the world means you have hatred inside you (a malfunctioning digestive system). If you find that the world is a good place then it means that you are a good person inside (not a malfunctioning digestive system). And your mind is a very complex object (hell yeah!). Keeping it in control is an art (why is everything crappy put in the domain of art?). If you have it in control, then you will be on top of this world. (is it worth it?)

The normal mind generally tends to be negative (and still he calls it normal!). It is attracted to things that are negative (uh huh) and do not matter (oooo). When you are dealing with the mind, you have to be smart (especially if the deal involves money!). You might have noticed that sometimes you just forget to do something. Don’t you? (no!) What I am saying is that this weakness could actually be converted into strength (Yeah. So?). How? (what do I know?) You have to learn to forget that what you want to forget (can I forget this speech?). If somebody hurts you some day by saying something, you should (punch him in the face!) know how to put that thing behind you and (burn him alive!) forgive him without even thinking about (the amount of fuel required!) it. You should learn to forget it. And forget it totally. You all know that you are very good at it (really?). So use it in a good way. (okay!)

Everyone is unique in this world (except you). There are some things that you and only you can do (so I require two myselfs). Things that you were born to do (die?). The purpose of your life is to (die) find what thing that is and do it (die). And never care about what tries to stop you (doctors, he means). The problem with our country is (a lot of speeches!) that a lot of talent is getting crushed. Frankly speaking, every child born in this nation is a genius (so other nation kids are chumps I guess). But when he does that what he is good at (sucking his thumb that is), he finds that practically there are a lot of problems to face (like the absence of a thumb or a mouth or both!). If he starts worrying about these things, then he will never (be able to become a good sucker!) excel in life. The best way to live a happy life is to (cut off your thumb) work hard. Other things (fingers he means!) don’t matter. To use the modern lingo, you should have the attitude of ‘I don’t give a damn!’ to other minor things. Do you agree or not? (I don’t give a damn!)

I had a friend once (had?). There was a problem with him (Oh. Got it). He never used to take risks in life (why? He was too scared to jump off the cliff?). Every time he had to make a decision, he used to get scared (of the height of the cliff). He was scared that he would (land on the head) lose. He was scared about what people will think about (the pieces of his bones!) him. He was scared of what will happen if he (jumps) makes a decision. I tried to help him (by pushing him?). But he was impossible (why? Did he abuse you for it?). And he never changed. I have a question here (really?). How many of you have heard of Rajesh Mishra? (minus two!) None of you. Well he is a math genius (no doubt!). Give him any problem in algebra and he will (give it back to you!)solve it in a matter of seconds. He takes tuition classes at his home (oh ho!). He has got offers from all over the world to teach (maths or cowardice?). But he never takes them. Even though he is such a genius, why haven’t you people heard of him? (we don’t read the ‘fools today’ magazine much!) That’s because he never risks anything (I like him). He is the same friend of mine I was talking about (the jumper?). The main thing that I want to tell you is (to close your eyes before jumping) that when you want to do something, just do it (so he is promoting Nike huh?). Don’t think of anything else.

Now the last thing that I want to say (finally!) to you is related to your body (interesting!). It’s about that thing called exercise (Stick to English dude!). I always say this at the end of my speech (so you say it after every fifty years?). The only place to keep a good mind nicely is a (frozen lab) good body. You should exercise everyday for keeping yourself healthy (so that the jump off the cliff will be easier?). Exercise doesn’t just mean that you want to be fit. It means something more (that you are dumb!). It means that you are dedicated to life (and foolishness). It means that you are taking interest in it. And when you feel like that, you will see that you are the happiest person on the planet (Venus that is!). Thank you. (welcome)”

I hate the whisperer. One day I am going to find him and punch him in the face. That irritating piece of crap. (I don’t give a damn!)

Comedian

“Have you ever wondered whether other animals can talk to each other like us? Seriously. Isn’t there a possibility that they already do so? For example let’s take two dogs. Both are walking on the opposite side of the road in opposite directions until they see each other. Once they see each other, they start barking. Now barking is something that we interpret it as barking. Maybe they are actually talking to each other. I had a friend once who had actually done a PhD in this subject of animal interaction with each other. He got carried away by his subject and actually interpreted the lion showing its teeth to him as a smile given by the lion. And then when it came running towards him, he interpreted it as though the lion was coming to greet him in its territory. When the lion pounced, he said that this lion has been longing to love someone for a long time now. And then when the lion plucked his hand out, he learnt that he was after all wrong. Sadly enough he couldn’t publish his paper on this because he could no longer write.”

There was a small laugh among the audience. It was a restaurant for middle class people. It wasn’t well lit. A middle class man would have preferred to come there with his friends rather than his family. Not that it wasn’t a joyous place. Just that it was a place for friends to hang out together and have a good time.

“I always wondered why people drink stuff that contains alcohol so slowly. It’s like they raise the glass, touch their lips to it and then keep it down for another five minutes. Then after five minutes again they raise their glass, touch their lips to it and keep it down. Frankly speaking, I have never seen a person drink alcohol. I have just seen them touch it to their lips. And I always wonder why. I asked an alcohol kisser this question once. Why do you just kiss it and keep it back? I said. And he said ‘Consume it all in one shot and the next thing you know is you are dead.’ So the conclusion is that they just kiss the alcohol because they prefer a slow torturous death compared to a nice quick one.”

Again there were a little bit of smiles around. The stand-up comedian wasn’t really making good jokes. But he had that shine in his eyes and that confidence in himself to keep people’s ears open to him. So they were listening. And besides, they didn’t have any other option. You either listen to him talk or you just get up and walk away.

“The alcohol thing was just a joke by the way. It’s not true that alcohol kills you. I am guessing from the look on the manager’s face that he is trying to say that alcohol isn’t the only thing that can kill you.”

Smiles persist.

“So coming back to the animals thing, I was telling you about two dogs. My friend, before his hand was plucked out, was actually working on what dogs might be saying to each other. But then the mating season came in and my friend decided to let the dogs have their privacy. As if they really cared! Dude, it’s a dog we are talking about. It doesn’t care if you give it privacy or not. If it did care then it could have very well worn pants also to cover itself. And I don’t blame it. I wouldn’t care if a dog disturbs my privacy. My friend was a foolish person. No doubt he got his hand plucked out.”

People were now not much interested. They were ordering new dishes and few were leaving. The stand-up comedian was used to this. It was time for him to close his performance. He knew his humour wasn’t that great to keep these people glued to their seats. He just knew that he could manage to give them a happy time while they sat in front of him.

“That’s all my dear friends. Thanks for listening. I hope you all had a great time.”

There were a few claps. The comedian knew that these were from the people who really had a bad sense of humour. He knew that he had to do a lot more than this. His main aim in life was to make people laugh. As hard as he could. He liked it when he made them happy. And he knew there was a long way to go. He had to analyse his weaknesses and he had to grow and become better. Not that he would be fired from the place. He owned the place. Not many knew that. He wasn’t doing this for money. He was doing it as a passion. He was doing it to give people the happiness that they deserved but weren’t getting it because of the hectic life around them. He knew that the only way to live was to laugh. Because the day you stop laughing, you die. He had to work harder for the next performance now.


To be continued……………

The mad man talking......

I saw a penguin in the park the other day. The park is my home for now. I spend most of my time there. It’s not the beauty of mother nature that keeps me bound to this place. It’s not the landscape nor the lawns and neither the well situated seats for people. It’s the people. I come here everyday to see God’s greatest creation. The other beautiful things, I believe, were God’s failed attempts to make something really wonderful. His triumph lies in making the humans. A fully automatic machine. I think God also might be really proud of what he made. In fact if God does hang out with his divine friends, he surely would be boasting. ‘You see that thing down there. Yeah that one putting its finger in its nose. See now that’s called a great invention. I didn’t tell it how to clean its nose. It thought of it itself. What do you say to that huh?’
And they might be going like ‘That’s the coolest thing I have seen since the big bang! That was one hell of an explosion!’
And some other divine figure might go like ‘How do you explain those things walking around that thing digging its nose? They all are making a weird face?’
‘Yeah I can explain that too. See those people are disgusted by him. This is also one of the things that I didn’t teach them. They do it for themselves. It’s basically something that these creatures do to announce to the world that they are well mannered. But to tell you the truth, half of the people making a disgusted face do it themselves when they are alone. Isn’t that smart?’

Okay I think I am getting carried away. I have that habit of deviating from the topic. Most people call me a mad man for that. Many of them stare at me in park. Well I don’t blame them. After all I do the same thing the whole day. I sit on a bench and I stare. That’s my job. And that is perhaps why parents tend to keep their children at a safe distance from me. What they don’t realise is that if I were really capable of hurting somebody, I would hurt them rather than their children. So they should be the ones running away from me. Why would I hurt them? Because they think of me as a person who hurts for no reason. I swear I have never hurt anybody in my whole life intentionally. And I had a proper explanation for tying up that fellow upside down by the fan when I was in the mental hospital. I did it because he asked me to. He was asking me to do it everyday. Every morning I used to wake up, I used to find this fellow standing besides my bed with a rope in his hands. I don’t know how he got that rope inside. I used to tell him that it will be painful. But he never listened. And so I finally did it. That was when he realised that wasn’t the way to die. You were supposed to hang by your neck. He realised it when he didn’t die! I was sorry for him. But I did my part for him. They gave me terrible shocks for doing that to him.

I am sorry again for deviating. So I was saying. I saw a penguin the other day. It was in the park. And it didn’t move at all. And its colour was not exactly like a penguin. It was more like brown. But the weird thing was that the words ‘USE ME’ were written on it. And that got me into thinking. What can this penguin possibly be used for? If you ask me, I think it was dead too. How do I know that? There was a rectangular hole in its chest. No doubt it wasn’t moving. You can’t have a dead animal as a pet. Some day its folks are going to come looking for it. They are going to get information about you if it’s your pet. Then they are going to turn up at your house. And then they are going to see their loved one lying dead there and they are going to see you applying jam on a bread with a knife. And unfortunately for you, the jam is going to be red! Next thing you know? Your folks are looking for you!

So why would anyone take this penguin as a pet. But I had sympathy for this dead penguin. There it lay dead. And nobody would even touch its body. They wouldn’t even give it a nice funeral. In fact I saw a few people throwing dirt on it. This penguin might have been terrible to everyone when it was alive. But that didn’t mean it deserved this after death. So I decided it then. I just got up, walked to the penguin’s body, squatted in front of it and hugged it. There were murmurs from the crowd. It was clear that many didn’t like it. They even started calling me a mad man. But I was used to it. I just sat there like that for a long time. And finally I was separated from it. That car which comes to pick me up everytime I escape from the mental hospital was there again. And people pulled me inside. I left the penguin. I believed I had done enough for it. And now I am back in my cell. Thinking of that dead penguin. Just when I heard two people talking outside my cell.
“What did he do this time?”
“He was hugging a dustbin in a public park.”
I felt really bad that they hated the penguin so much that they called it that. Maybe humans are not really God’s greatest invention. I hate them sometimes.


P.S Another new creation out of the closet of joblessness!

The Whisperer

It’s always been a mystery to me. Whichever class I attend, or whichever speech I go to see, or whichever movie I am watching in the theatre, there is always a character around me. I don’t know who he is. But I call him the whisperer. I have never heard a loud voice come out of his mouth. He only whispers. So that most of the people around him can hear it. But the speaker or the teacher can’t. I always hear his words. In fact I concentrate more on his words than the other words which I am supposed to concentrate upon. I have never seen the whisperer. I tried to see once but it’s impossible to tell where the whisper came from. Obviously the whisperer hides himself for safety reasons. His whispered comments are generally not suitable for many people to hear. They are sarcastic comments. He has become really good at it. I don’t know if there is only one of them or many more. I haven’t really met a whisperer till today.

An alumnus of our college had come along with his friends. He had been very successful in his life. More successful than his fellow classmates who praised him in their speeches. The whisperer as usual was sitting somewhere near me. I didn’t know where exactly. But his comments were always there. One of the alumnus’ friend started giving a speech. (and the whisperer put his comments in too)

“Seventeen years ago, we guys were sitting at the same place as you are (listening to a stinking alumni speech). We were the best of friends…..and still are (you missed the future tense there!). This college did not just make a good engineer out of me, but also a good citizen of the nation. I learned the basic values of life in this college. I learned to make friends (Didn’t you know that already?). I was a loner when I came here. I never used to talk to anyone at all (So you are making up for that now?). In fact to be frank, my family was so conservative that I was told to stay away from all the other students here. They said stuff like I will get spoilt and all that (all what?). But then slowly I realized that people were actually good and the problem was with my family and not with the world (Is that why you buried your family alive?). Especially my best friend Shyam, who now works in the US was really very helpful (Oh ho!). I still call him once every month (Why? Didn’t he return you your money?). I found friendship over here that I believe shall last forever. (Let’s see)

Let me tell you something about the fun part (Take your guns out fellas!). Our group had eight people. And I see that most of them are here. Except Shyam of course! (May he rest in peace). That sparrow-faced girl sitting there. Third from the right. There is a really funny story about her. Could you just stand up and introduce yourself Madhavi?”

Madhavi stood up an said, “Hello people. I am Madhavi. How are all of you? (We don’t talk to sparrows!)”. She sat down after everyone replied “Faaaine” in chorus. Shyam’s best friend continued. “Once Madhavi was late to class. It had rained that day. The corridor was all wet. She came running till the entrance of the class and precisely when she was about to get into the class she slipped. And she slipped badly. To the professor who was writing on the board, it was like she was shot from a tank somewhere from outside and had come and hit the first bench (Way to go with being funny dude!). She hurt herself badly (Was that how she became a sparrow?). We laughed a lot that day (And so are we today!).”

“I just want to tell all of you one thing (You might as well tell one more). These are the best days of your life. After college, life becomes all about competition and you lose many things (You lost your humour I guess). So just remember that you have to do the just two things in your life at the moment. (Eat and drink). Study and enjoy. Now I would like to give the podium to the hero of our group. He was and still remains a very interesting personality (The only non-loser in the group).”

Another person got up. He looked very old and spoke with huge pauses in his sentences. Ideal for the whisperer.

“Ladies and gentlemen…… (That’s it?)……..Good evening. (Did he just take a seven second pause to say that?). Whatever Raj just said (was a lie)…. I mean whatever good he said about me (was the only truth that he said)…. wasn’t really true. (Told ya). He said good things because it’s him who is the good person and not me. (Could you two just cut it out?) Yes we did enjoy a lot in college……. But we never ignored our academics….. we never bunked classes (he just lost the non-loser tag)…..Today we are what we are because we lived rationally (Who told you to live rationally then?)…. We never did anything that we thought was wrong (Smoking and boozing isn’t wrong, right?)……. I am not a very active person right now because I have a throat infection (That’s sad)….. So I guess I told you what I wanted to tell you (Keep consoling yourself)….. So that’s all I had to say. Take care everyone (Look who’s talking). God bless you.”

And then there were many more speeches. And the whisperer went on and on. His jokes were sick. And this is nothing. You should hear him whisper in emotional movies. I will tell you about one soon. I think one day the whisperer is going to get publicly beaten up by everyone in the theatre (Really? I am so scared……….Go to hell man!).

Stone(d)!

I didn’t know what day it was. The vacation was going on. So all days were as good as a Sunday. I had just passed out of first standard. The summer vacation was the most awesome thing known to me then. I used to hang out with my guru and my competitor. I respected my guru immensely. He was the oldest out of us. He had just passed out of fifth standard. He was my role model. He actually used to wear full pants! I always wanted to wear full pants. All I ever got was a half pant that would reach only one fourth of the distance from where my legs started till my knees. I don’t know why they call it a half pant yet. And he was quite tall. I used to look up to him. Literally also. You could say that he was a hero for me. I still haven’t figured out why. I would have done anything for him. I remember we had once threatened a kid together. He wanted to be a part of our group. I bet he got so scared that he refused to be part of our group himself. Now that I think of it, I think he refused because he found out that we guys weren’t really as cool as he had thought we were after we threatened him! But the point was that I was totally in awe because of this guru of mine.

But life is never peaceful. I had a competitor. He also respected the guru as much as I did. He was in third standard and was taller than me but shorter than our guru. He was a real chump. We had loads of topics to fight about. The most touchy topic being who out of the both of us did the guru consider to be closer to him. We would argue for minutes and then start yelling or hitting each other. He would also have done anything for the guru. And being physically fitter and intellectually higher than me, he used to impress guru a lot. I hated him!

It was a nice evening. Guru had bought a new sling. And we were dying to play with it. But guru always had a way with everything. He said ‘To use a sling, you must both be first acquainted with the art of throwing a stone properly’. This was his typical way of talking to us. It made us respect him more. There were a few kids playing on the ground that was between two buildings. There were benches for people to sit on the edge of the ground. There was an old man sitting over there. He was just watching the three of us. I was confused. We weren’t cute like the other kids at all. We had loads of oil in our hair. And our skin was all dry because of the morning cold. We used to hang out with each other since the morning till late evening. I guess he was thinking something else and didn’t really know that he was staring at us.

‘It’s pretty simple. When I say one, you take this stance (enacting the stance). When I say two, you hold the stone more tightly in your right hand and twist like this (he twisted along the vertical axis). And finally when I say three, you swing your body and the stone holding hand with as much force that you have in you and let go of the stone.’, guru said. But chump here always had to ask questions. He never missed a chance to impress guru. ‘At what point do we leave the stone?’, he asked. How foolish! The reply also wasn’t smart enough I think. ‘It will come to you by instinct. Just close you eyes after step two and then do the step three.’ That time I thought this was a good reply. Then chump turned to me and said ‘Is the stone too heavy for you chotu?’. I hated that name and that sarcasm. I kicked him in the leg. Now that I am smart enough to think of a reply, I think I should have said ‘It’s only as heavy as your brain.’ He also was going to hit me back but guru stopped him. ‘Stop this both of you. Don’t you have any shame that you are fighting in front of me?’ I had once seen guru fighting physically with two girls. Funny of him to talk about shame to us.

So we took our positions. Me to the left of chump and guru a little ahead of us to the right of chump. He was just going to watch us do it. So he was facing us. He was around four feet away from the line of throw of chump. So we were all ready to impress guru. And also to see whose stone goes farther. Guru started counting.

One.

We took the stance.

Two.

We twisted and closed our eyes.

Three.

We swung our bodies and right hands as fast as we could. It was really difficult to tell at which point to let go of the stone. I just hoped I didn’t let it go late because I really didn’t want to miss this chance of impressing guru by doing it right. But guess what? In my effort to not be late, I had actually been early. And because of that, I missed guru’s ear by two centimetres. But that is only half of the story. Chump here was also thinking like me. He also had left it early in an attempt to not be late. Both our ‘instincts’ had been wrong unfortunately. And to add to it, chump didn’t miss like me. He had hit the guru right in the forehead. Before we knew, guru was on his knees howling in pain. A red liquid was dripping on the ground and was all over his hands with which he was holding his forehead. We had made promises to do anything for the guru. But both of us were just staring at the sight in horror. I think chump even tried to hold my hand. I don’t remember clearly. But I did see that old man running towards us. He grabbed guru and gave him a handkerchief. He then lifted guru and took him to a hospital leaving the two of us there alone on the ground. All the kids were watching us. We looked at each other and went back to our houses to tell our parents about it.

After two weeks guru was fine. Both chump’s and my parents had gone to his home to see him. We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks now. I had asked my mother to ask guru’s mother if she would let guru come to the ground to play with us again. My mother came back with a positive reply and warned me to be careful this time. That evening I, chump and guru met on the ground after a long time. If we were adults, it would have probably been a weird situation. But we didn’t know anything about ‘weird’ then. We just came there without any thoughts of the past. Guru had a dressing on his forehead. Chump was the first to speak.
‘So what do we do today? Did you bring that sling master?’
Guru was impressed by his apprentice. He spoke in that wise manner that he always used to speak in with us.
‘So have you two been practicing how to throw a stone when I was gone?’
If it weren’t for my respect towards guru, I would probably be rolling in laughter. It was weird to look at the dressing on his forehead and listen to him say that simultaneously. I controlled myself but couldn’t control a smile that came to my face. Guru saw me. And he smiled back. A blow on the head does teach people to be polite!

I slept very peacefully that night. I felt happy. Not only because guru was back and had smiled at me, but also because this smile was proof of the fact that I was closer to guru than chump. I had won. I had defeated a chump!

P.S : It's all fiction.

Petty things

I learned one thing today. I learned that things are so temporary. Everything I mean. Happiness,joy,sadness,anger,etc. I think it’s good that it is this way. It would be really difficult if things were permanent. Imagine worrying about your next bottle of milk for your whole life. That would be a really sad life. But I guess nature intended us to be the way we are for our own sake.

I remember when I was a kid,…… actually I don’t remember anything that I did when I was a kid. I just wanted the article to sound mature. But I do remember stuff that I did when I was thirteen years old. There was this kid in my class. Well you can’t really call that hell of a mountain a kid. He was this really hefty lad. I could have said that the earth shook when this lad walked around. But then that would be a hyperbole. Because you never know that what you just said could be misinterpreted by taking it literally.

So I am going to call this heavy lad ‘Drumstick’. I like to give people sarcastic names. And I think creating irony while calling people names is the coolest form of sarcasm. I know I sound as cool as a cow when I use the word cool. (For those who weren’t fast enough to get that one, a cow is a really uncool animal). So drumstick here used to bully me. He used to hit me on the head everytime he saw me. Be it in class or the dormitory(Yeah I was in a hostel) or even the bathroom! How does a decent person trying to come first in class react to that? (I know I just gave away useless information that I always tried to come first in class. But then I am too proud of the fact that I did come first after all. You tend to feel proud of your past success once it becomes extinct from your present.) So this drumstick used to hit me. All the time. I spent countless sleepless nights I remember. I used to make plans for the next day as to how I would spend the entire day without being spotted by him. I used to sit far away from him in class. And always behind his row. And the weird thing was that I actually succeeded. I had drumstick believe that I had gone home for five days! That happens to be my greatest achievement till date.

But then you can never be too careful. He finally noticed that something was wrong with his palms. They weren’t getting to dash themselves against some skull that was full of brain for a long time now. They missed it. And they sent the restlessness signal inwards which finally came to that huge mouth of his which then opened in front of the lad whose bed was next to me in the dormitory. ‘Where is that lil fella dude? Haven’t seen him for long now? Gone home is he?’. After two days the lad whose bed was next to me found ink all over his bed sheet and even the mattress. His pillow also had got some of it. It took him some real hard work to clean his bed sheet. Word has it that he was looking for me for help. But then I was never around. You think it was a coincidence?

But revenge doesn’t help to heal the wounds. It just makes the enemy realise that this guy that he tortured is seriously wounded. It had been five days since drumstick had seen me. It was a weekend. And he was all ready to see me that day. He knew I would be on my bed on Sunday morning. What he didn’t know was that under my blanket wouldn’t just be me but my radio also. Those small radios that you get whose antennae are as long as the body of the radio itself. I used to like Sunday mornings. I used to lie inside my blanket. The sun would be out and shining. The sunlight would be all over my blanket. That’s how I liked it. Made me feel that I am in the sun and yet protected. And the radio. Aah! I just loved to listen to that radio jockey chatter on and on about stuff that was totally useless. I didn’t get half of the stuff that they said. But I liked the way they talked. And the songs were also quite good. So I was listening to radio and that’s when it came. The hand that I had always hated. I felt it touch outside my blanket to find where my face was. And it had touched at the right place and found it. In the two second time that I had to realise what was happening, I took one second to realise what was happening. And the other second, out of reflex, I brought my radio in front of my face. And the hand struck.

I heard something break. But it didn’t hurt (yet!). It was the antenna of my radio. It was broken. And that’s when I realised that it did hurt me. I started crying instantly. Drumstick saw my face and ran away. I haven’t spoken to him ever since then. I cried for two hours continuously. The lad whose bed was next to me tried to console me by staring at my face continuously for those two hours. Kids don’t really know the meaning of consoling. I heard him explain to one of our other friend as to why I was crying. That was how I had found out that he was the one who had betrayed me. The person who had given away my location. Now I realise that he didn’t have the slightest idea as to what he had done. And I don’t think that he still does. Unless he is reading this!

That was such a terrible loss for me then. But now it seems so trivial. Now if I think about the radio, I say that I don’t give a damn! And when I think about drumstick, I miss him! Weird isn’t it? (Although I do think that I owe his clothes some ink!) I never took my revenge from drumstick. I was too scared to do so. But my point is, that was the time I was so worried about life. And now I am looking back at it and saying ‘You got to be kidding me for being so childish!’. So I think my current troubles in life will also seem trivial after a few years.

I just hope that I don’t look back and say ‘Dude seriously!What were you thinking when you started blogging?’