Sarcastic Exaggeration

Here are a few important guidelines for aspiring city-dwellers as far as movement within a crowded city is concerned.

Guidelines for new drivers in the city :

1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.

2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.

3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.

4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.

5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.

6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.

7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.

8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.

9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.

10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.

11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.

12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!


Guidelines for pedestrians :

1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.

2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.

3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.

4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!

5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!


Guidelines for bikers :

1)Always overtake from the left side.

2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.

3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.

4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.

5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.

6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!

P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.