Summer heat.

Here it comes again.
The heat that causes so much pain.
It makes people who are sane,
Do things that are totally insane.

Let me give you an example.
I could even call it a sample.
A friend caught fire on his hair,
And he ran around here and there like a hare.
What, you may ask, was wrong with the sun.
Had he decided to have some fun?

Does anyone of you like Maggi out there?
That thing that looks like an ox’s hair.
Well, they can’t sell raw Maggi anymore.
It gets cooked right up to the core.
That is the amount of heat around here.
Saying this brings in me a huge tear.

Water-shortage problem no longer prevails.
Even though water-bottle companies see a drop in sales.
They have all started biting their nails,
Because the substitute used is the sweat of all males.

The greatest torture still remains.
It is worse than the beatings of all the canes.
Sitting in a lecture is what I am referring to.
Just sitting and absorbing heat there is what we do.
We think when the teaching gets steady,
Aren’t we suffering enough already?

Summer is here, summer is here.
Finally something that we all can fear.
But God still considers us all very dear.
So just enjoy as long as you are here!

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am writing this letter to you sitting here on the last bench of my maths class. I am really scared God. Please help me. I know I have not been praying for many days now and that I haven’t been respecting you too much. But Mummy always says that you do exist. I didn’t believe her. But somewhere inside me, I knew I did. I have always believed in you my lord. Please get me out of this situation. Please help me this one time and I will do anything for you. I guarantee that. Please have some mercy. These tears falling from my eyes onto this ruled page are not made up my lord.

I know you might be present somewhere around here but I will tell you the situation in brief just in case you have not noticed what’s going on. My teacher is making students stand up one by one and asking them how they solved each question in the homework that she gave a week ago. There are ten questions. I just calculated and found out that I am the tenth man in the line. I am going to have to answer the last question. I have read it my lord. But I have no idea what it is about. The only words that make sense to me are Tom, cake shop, cakes, cost of one cake, total cost, etc. Don’t you agree with me that this doesn’t really form a part of maths?

Oh my god! She has reached the eighth person. Please God. Do something. I don’t want to face her. Please lord. Wait a minute. Why is that new student late? He is saying something like he couldn’t find out where the classroom was. Chump! Anyways, please think of a way my lord. I have heard so much of you. Please apply your magic here. Yes, yes! Do that! Make me the eleventh man! Make the boy sit in front of me. The seat is empty. Yes come on. Make him keep walking. Yes that’s it. Almost there. Keep walking. Yeah right there. Sit. Sit. Yes! Thank you so much my lord. Thank you very much. I can never repay you back, my lord. I can never repay you back.

By the way, I hope you are not expecting me to pray and all that now. Thanks for the favour. But praying isn’t really my style. I hope you didn’t take that seriously. It was just a deal okay? Don’t feel sad. It’s all just business. Pure business.

Teacher: Hey you there. That boy behind the new student scribbling something on that paper. Give a summary of how all the questions were solved.

Spiderman

“I was watching Spiderman the other day. The movie is good. But what the hell is the deal with his girlfriend? In the third part of the movie, she wants Spiderman to give her more attention. I didn’t get it. The guy is Spiderman. So what if he is not giving you his time? As long as he is calling you his girlfriend, you should be more than happy. Come on, the guy can climb walls for heaven’s sake. He can stop a moving train without applying brakes. What more do you want from a guy?

And if this shocked you, listen to what our hero does when his girlfriend tells him that she is done with him. The guy starts crying! No no. Not crying. The guy starts sobbing! What kind of a fool is he? I mean….he knows that he is one hell of a person with super powers and all that. And he is using that to save mankind from evil and this tiny person is trying to stop him. I would say that his girlfriend is his biggest enemy. The green goblin, doc oc, venom, sandman can’t make Spidey cry. But this girl with no super powers is making him cry. The girl is not even special. Believe me. All she knows is to shout. She has those piercing screams when she is kidnapped by someone. The scream is so irritating that if I were Spiderman, I would save her from the villain, but only because I want to do the honour of killing her myself. That’s how irritatingly she screams. But I guess it’s understandable. After all being kidnapped by a person with four mechanical arms isn’t really an experience that I have.

So let me tell you about the crying baby here. I just couldn’t believe it when spidey started crying. Grow up dude! You can so easily move on. You can get a better girl than her anytime. Come on man! You got stuff just popping our of your wrists man. Girls love that kind of stuff! And you got a sixth sense too. You can sense when your girl is mad at you or not. You are an ideal guy to be with. Girls would kill for you. And about this present girl of yours, I say you must torture her. You are saving innocent lives here man. And if that girl of yours is trying to stop you by blackmailing you emotionally, you should just tie her up somewhere in your cupboard. That sticky stuff that pops out of you could prove to be handy here.

Talking of that sticky stuff, that’s an amazing thing man. You gotta tell me what it’s made of. I tried a lot of stuff at home. I tried mixing all kinds of sticky things man. I don’t wanna go into details. Just that if I ever get into trouble and you saved me, instead of writing that crappy note saying “ Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”, you should rather write the composition of that sticky stuff.

And about that note that you leave all the time, I want to ask many things. Do you actually carry those notes in your pocket? And what if you fail to save someone one day? Do you carry a note for that situation also? Like maybe “Sorry. Couldn’t save you. Your friendly jerk, Spiderman.” And by the way, the note is a bad idea. One day a bank is going to get robbed and you are going to be busy taking care of that stupid girl of yours. The police are going to turn up over there just to find out that the money is missing and a note is displayed saying “Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”! Thieves these days are that smart! The police are going to come after you obviously. Then don’t cry about the fact that the papers say that you are a masked menace and all that crap.

And finally, one piece of advice man. Change your suit. Please do so. Or else you are going to be called a freak jumping in crotch-tight pants all over the city all your life. And no girl is coming after you then. Then don’t cry again!”

P.S : No offence to the movie. Spiderman is and will remain to be one of the best movies ever made. One of my favourites.

The Whisperer - Award ceremony

I am interested in music. Once I got an invitation to attend an award ceremony. I was very excited about it. I dressed up in the best clothes that I could find and went to attend the ceremony. There were performances of singers also. Unfortunately for me, the whisperer was there. But he was mostly quiet in the beginning. I think he too is a fan of music. But then there was one performance by a young singer that wasn’t that good according to the standards of the whisperer. And so he got bored and started commenting after the performance was over and the female host started talking again.

“(What a crappy voice. The guy is a lion-tamer) Ladies and Gentlemen (What about me?). A big round of applause for the young singer (Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to sing another song!). That was a brilliant performance (She is a hell of a liar!). This itself shows the growing attachment of India to music (what crap!). Even the youth are now making brilliant performances (Yeah. Right!). And now is the time that you all have been waiting for (Are they serving food?) . The time to announce the best male singer of the year (Oh! Okay.). To present this award, we would like to call Mr. Ramdev, one of the greatest music composers in the country (Zimbabwe I guess. Never even heard of him).”

Mr. Ramdev was a very tall man. He was well dressed in traditional clothes. Looked like a typical music composer to me. He started speaking.

“All the nominees are so talented this time (so other times they are crappy?) that I guess it might have been very difficult for the jury to choose the best among these great singers. If I were to decide, I would give the award to everyone (That’s why they didn’t put you on the jury). But our culture demands us to compare everyone and select the best out of them (Obviously. This is the only way to identify who the losers are!). Although I don’t support this (we know you are just scared of losing), I think it’s fine as long as it is received in a positive spirit by all the singers (Look who’s talking!). So I guess I have talked too much (Did he hear me?). Let me get to the point (Yeah. The food). The award goes to………. (Oh come on! Just tell it. We gotta go to work tomorrow morning)

Samit Agarwal (WHAT?? THE CHUUUUMP).”

Samit was an unexpected winner. He was not my favourite. Turns out that same applied to the whisperer. Samit was a modern generation singer. Spiked hair, with a shade of green. The look was like he was a rock band member. But he was just a simple person inside gifted with great voice. He had been given a break by a renowned music director who he called Guru. And he was a little nervous person. Seems like he too was shocked. And he was a little weird. A perfect target for the whisperer.

“(What a peacock!)I can’t believe that I am receiving this award (Neither can we kid). I am absolutely stunned (so are we kid!). Okay I didn’t really work on a speech because I wasn’t really expecting to win (we also didn’t bring tomatoes to hit you with). But now that I have been given this award, I guess I am supposed to thank those who helped me (not really. You can just reject the award). Pardon me if I say something wrong (No!). I have never really done this (Yeah. We all have been doing this since we were born!)

So I must start by thanking my girlfriend sitting over there (Gosh! The new generation!). That pretty little girl giggling there (the joke’s on you chump. she can’t believe you won!). She was the one who, in the first place, believed in me and made me consider singing as a career (It’s all because of her then. Get her people!). My parents were not very sure about that but she somehow convinced them to let me at least try (that girl is getting to my nerves now!). If it wasn’t for her, then I would probably never take up singing seriously. (That’s it. I need to have a word with her!)

And of course my parents (the peacocks!). I guess today I have removed all doubts from your mind, haven’t I? (No son. We still don’t trust you) Now do you believe her? (no!) But I am still thankful to you too because you let me give it a shot (what do you mean “still”?). I guess we can drink beer together tonight Dad (Who’s gonna pay?). Don’t worry, I will make sure Mom doesn’t find out.(Dude! You just told her. Along with the whole world!)

And another sincere thanks to Guru sitting there. He launched me (who brought you back then?) and I can never do enough to thank him (You can by not insulting him publicly. The guy is scared to death). He is an awesome person (Nice start). Very cool. Never scolds you at all (That’s why you turned out like this!). Except for that one time in which I was late for the recording, I have never seen (his gun?) him angry. He made the atmosphere very friendly for me (hope you don’t mean literally!). He knew that I was new on the board and that I needed (to be disposed off) time and space (and money!). And he gave me exactly that (the money?). That’s why this award is also shared by him (don’t drag him into this). And I would also like to thank Innovation productions for all the money (is it over?). And of course the jury (they are a bunch of chumps!). I am compelled to say that it was a bold step that they chose me. (and a foolish one!)

And I thank all the people sitting over here for putting up with me with smiling faces (they are waiting for you to get down. You are soooo stabbed!). I hope to see you people next time also(Noooo!). Thank you. (Welcome)”

Poor whisperer. He was really disappointed that his favourite didn’t win. If you are reading this whisperer, you should come see me. I will console you. (Nice try! I don’t trust you!)