I went to attend a speech once. It was on inner development. About the mind and all that. I am generally interested in such things a lot. And I really wanted to listen to the speech. But my time there was ruined. The whisperer was present there. My life is all ruined because of him.I can concentrate on two things at a time. So I can hear the whisperer very clearly every time.
The speech started. The man was talking very nicely. Sometimes pausing and sometimes maintaining the flow. But I guess the whisperer got bored and started doing what he does worst. Whispering comments.
“The world is (crap!) just a projection of your mind in front of your eyes (so it’s a lecture on the Matrix now!). You see in the world that what lies within you (My digestive system?). If you find hatred in the world means you have hatred inside you (a malfunctioning digestive system). If you find that the world is a good place then it means that you are a good person inside (not a malfunctioning digestive system). And your mind is a very complex object (hell yeah!). Keeping it in control is an art (why is everything crappy put in the domain of art?). If you have it in control, then you will be on top of this world. (is it worth it?)
The normal mind generally tends to be negative (and still he calls it normal!). It is attracted to things that are negative (uh huh) and do not matter (oooo). When you are dealing with the mind, you have to be smart (especially if the deal involves money!). You might have noticed that sometimes you just forget to do something. Don’t you? (no!) What I am saying is that this weakness could actually be converted into strength (Yeah. So?). How? (what do I know?) You have to learn to forget that what you want to forget (can I forget this speech?). If somebody hurts you some day by saying something, you should (punch him in the face!) know how to put that thing behind you and (burn him alive!) forgive him without even thinking about (the amount of fuel required!) it. You should learn to forget it. And forget it totally. You all know that you are very good at it (really?). So use it in a good way. (okay!)
Everyone is unique in this world (except you). There are some things that you and only you can do (so I require two myselfs). Things that you were born to do (die?). The purpose of your life is to (die) find what thing that is and do it (die). And never care about what tries to stop you (doctors, he means). The problem with our country is (a lot of speeches!) that a lot of talent is getting crushed. Frankly speaking, every child born in this nation is a genius (so other nation kids are chumps I guess). But when he does that what he is good at (sucking his thumb that is), he finds that practically there are a lot of problems to face (like the absence of a thumb or a mouth or both!). If he starts worrying about these things, then he will never (be able to become a good sucker!) excel in life. The best way to live a happy life is to (cut off your thumb) work hard. Other things (fingers he means!) don’t matter. To use the modern lingo, you should have the attitude of ‘I don’t give a damn!’ to other minor things. Do you agree or not? (I don’t give a damn!)
I had a friend once (had?). There was a problem with him (Oh. Got it). He never used to take risks in life (why? He was too scared to jump off the cliff?). Every time he had to make a decision, he used to get scared (of the height of the cliff). He was scared that he would (land on the head) lose. He was scared about what people will think about (the pieces of his bones!) him. He was scared of what will happen if he (jumps) makes a decision. I tried to help him (by pushing him?). But he was impossible (why? Did he abuse you for it?). And he never changed. I have a question here (really?). How many of you have heard of Rajesh Mishra? (minus two!) None of you. Well he is a math genius (no doubt!). Give him any problem in algebra and he will (give it back to you!)solve it in a matter of seconds. He takes tuition classes at his home (oh ho!). He has got offers from all over the world to teach (maths or cowardice?). But he never takes them. Even though he is such a genius, why haven’t you people heard of him? (we don’t read the ‘fools today’ magazine much!) That’s because he never risks anything (I like him). He is the same friend of mine I was talking about (the jumper?). The main thing that I want to tell you is (to close your eyes before jumping) that when you want to do something, just do it (so he is promoting Nike huh?). Don’t think of anything else.
Now the last thing that I want to say (finally!) to you is related to your body (interesting!). It’s about that thing called exercise (Stick to English dude!). I always say this at the end of my speech (so you say it after every fifty years?). The only place to keep a good mind nicely is a (frozen lab) good body. You should exercise everyday for keeping yourself healthy (so that the jump off the cliff will be easier?). Exercise doesn’t just mean that you want to be fit. It means something more (that you are dumb!). It means that you are dedicated to life (and foolishness). It means that you are taking interest in it. And when you feel like that, you will see that you are the happiest person on the planet (Venus that is!). Thank you. (welcome)”
I hate the whisperer. One day I am going to find him and punch him in the face. That irritating piece of crap. (I don’t give a damn!)
About Me
Friday, February 27, 2009
Comedian
“Have you ever wondered whether other animals can talk to each other like us? Seriously. Isn’t there a possibility that they already do so? For example let’s take two dogs. Both are walking on the opposite side of the road in opposite directions until they see each other. Once they see each other, they start barking. Now barking is something that we interpret it as barking. Maybe they are actually talking to each other. I had a friend once who had actually done a PhD in this subject of animal interaction with each other. He got carried away by his subject and actually interpreted the lion showing its teeth to him as a smile given by the lion. And then when it came running towards him, he interpreted it as though the lion was coming to greet him in its territory. When the lion pounced, he said that this lion has been longing to love someone for a long time now. And then when the lion plucked his hand out, he learnt that he was after all wrong. Sadly enough he couldn’t publish his paper on this because he could no longer write.”
There was a small laugh among the audience. It was a restaurant for middle class people. It wasn’t well lit. A middle class man would have preferred to come there with his friends rather than his family. Not that it wasn’t a joyous place. Just that it was a place for friends to hang out together and have a good time.
“I always wondered why people drink stuff that contains alcohol so slowly. It’s like they raise the glass, touch their lips to it and then keep it down for another five minutes. Then after five minutes again they raise their glass, touch their lips to it and keep it down. Frankly speaking, I have never seen a person drink alcohol. I have just seen them touch it to their lips. And I always wonder why. I asked an alcohol kisser this question once. Why do you just kiss it and keep it back? I said. And he said ‘Consume it all in one shot and the next thing you know is you are dead.’ So the conclusion is that they just kiss the alcohol because they prefer a slow torturous death compared to a nice quick one.”
Again there were a little bit of smiles around. The stand-up comedian wasn’t really making good jokes. But he had that shine in his eyes and that confidence in himself to keep people’s ears open to him. So they were listening. And besides, they didn’t have any other option. You either listen to him talk or you just get up and walk away.
“The alcohol thing was just a joke by the way. It’s not true that alcohol kills you. I am guessing from the look on the manager’s face that he is trying to say that alcohol isn’t the only thing that can kill you.”
Smiles persist.
“So coming back to the animals thing, I was telling you about two dogs. My friend, before his hand was plucked out, was actually working on what dogs might be saying to each other. But then the mating season came in and my friend decided to let the dogs have their privacy. As if they really cared! Dude, it’s a dog we are talking about. It doesn’t care if you give it privacy or not. If it did care then it could have very well worn pants also to cover itself. And I don’t blame it. I wouldn’t care if a dog disturbs my privacy. My friend was a foolish person. No doubt he got his hand plucked out.”
People were now not much interested. They were ordering new dishes and few were leaving. The stand-up comedian was used to this. It was time for him to close his performance. He knew his humour wasn’t that great to keep these people glued to their seats. He just knew that he could manage to give them a happy time while they sat in front of him.
“That’s all my dear friends. Thanks for listening. I hope you all had a great time.”
There were a few claps. The comedian knew that these were from the people who really had a bad sense of humour. He knew that he had to do a lot more than this. His main aim in life was to make people laugh. As hard as he could. He liked it when he made them happy. And he knew there was a long way to go. He had to analyse his weaknesses and he had to grow and become better. Not that he would be fired from the place. He owned the place. Not many knew that. He wasn’t doing this for money. He was doing it as a passion. He was doing it to give people the happiness that they deserved but weren’t getting it because of the hectic life around them. He knew that the only way to live was to laugh. Because the day you stop laughing, you die. He had to work harder for the next performance now.
To be continued……………
There was a small laugh among the audience. It was a restaurant for middle class people. It wasn’t well lit. A middle class man would have preferred to come there with his friends rather than his family. Not that it wasn’t a joyous place. Just that it was a place for friends to hang out together and have a good time.
“I always wondered why people drink stuff that contains alcohol so slowly. It’s like they raise the glass, touch their lips to it and then keep it down for another five minutes. Then after five minutes again they raise their glass, touch their lips to it and keep it down. Frankly speaking, I have never seen a person drink alcohol. I have just seen them touch it to their lips. And I always wonder why. I asked an alcohol kisser this question once. Why do you just kiss it and keep it back? I said. And he said ‘Consume it all in one shot and the next thing you know is you are dead.’ So the conclusion is that they just kiss the alcohol because they prefer a slow torturous death compared to a nice quick one.”
Again there were a little bit of smiles around. The stand-up comedian wasn’t really making good jokes. But he had that shine in his eyes and that confidence in himself to keep people’s ears open to him. So they were listening. And besides, they didn’t have any other option. You either listen to him talk or you just get up and walk away.
“The alcohol thing was just a joke by the way. It’s not true that alcohol kills you. I am guessing from the look on the manager’s face that he is trying to say that alcohol isn’t the only thing that can kill you.”
Smiles persist.
“So coming back to the animals thing, I was telling you about two dogs. My friend, before his hand was plucked out, was actually working on what dogs might be saying to each other. But then the mating season came in and my friend decided to let the dogs have their privacy. As if they really cared! Dude, it’s a dog we are talking about. It doesn’t care if you give it privacy or not. If it did care then it could have very well worn pants also to cover itself. And I don’t blame it. I wouldn’t care if a dog disturbs my privacy. My friend was a foolish person. No doubt he got his hand plucked out.”
People were now not much interested. They were ordering new dishes and few were leaving. The stand-up comedian was used to this. It was time for him to close his performance. He knew his humour wasn’t that great to keep these people glued to their seats. He just knew that he could manage to give them a happy time while they sat in front of him.
“That’s all my dear friends. Thanks for listening. I hope you all had a great time.”
There were a few claps. The comedian knew that these were from the people who really had a bad sense of humour. He knew that he had to do a lot more than this. His main aim in life was to make people laugh. As hard as he could. He liked it when he made them happy. And he knew there was a long way to go. He had to analyse his weaknesses and he had to grow and become better. Not that he would be fired from the place. He owned the place. Not many knew that. He wasn’t doing this for money. He was doing it as a passion. He was doing it to give people the happiness that they deserved but weren’t getting it because of the hectic life around them. He knew that the only way to live was to laugh. Because the day you stop laughing, you die. He had to work harder for the next performance now.
To be continued……………
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The mad man talking......
I saw a penguin in the park the other day. The park is my home for now. I spend most of my time there. It’s not the beauty of mother nature that keeps me bound to this place. It’s not the landscape nor the lawns and neither the well situated seats for people. It’s the people. I come here everyday to see God’s greatest creation. The other beautiful things, I believe, were God’s failed attempts to make something really wonderful. His triumph lies in making the humans. A fully automatic machine. I think God also might be really proud of what he made. In fact if God does hang out with his divine friends, he surely would be boasting. ‘You see that thing down there. Yeah that one putting its finger in its nose. See now that’s called a great invention. I didn’t tell it how to clean its nose. It thought of it itself. What do you say to that huh?’
And they might be going like ‘That’s the coolest thing I have seen since the big bang! That was one hell of an explosion!’
And some other divine figure might go like ‘How do you explain those things walking around that thing digging its nose? They all are making a weird face?’
‘Yeah I can explain that too. See those people are disgusted by him. This is also one of the things that I didn’t teach them. They do it for themselves. It’s basically something that these creatures do to announce to the world that they are well mannered. But to tell you the truth, half of the people making a disgusted face do it themselves when they are alone. Isn’t that smart?’
Okay I think I am getting carried away. I have that habit of deviating from the topic. Most people call me a mad man for that. Many of them stare at me in park. Well I don’t blame them. After all I do the same thing the whole day. I sit on a bench and I stare. That’s my job. And that is perhaps why parents tend to keep their children at a safe distance from me. What they don’t realise is that if I were really capable of hurting somebody, I would hurt them rather than their children. So they should be the ones running away from me. Why would I hurt them? Because they think of me as a person who hurts for no reason. I swear I have never hurt anybody in my whole life intentionally. And I had a proper explanation for tying up that fellow upside down by the fan when I was in the mental hospital. I did it because he asked me to. He was asking me to do it everyday. Every morning I used to wake up, I used to find this fellow standing besides my bed with a rope in his hands. I don’t know how he got that rope inside. I used to tell him that it will be painful. But he never listened. And so I finally did it. That was when he realised that wasn’t the way to die. You were supposed to hang by your neck. He realised it when he didn’t die! I was sorry for him. But I did my part for him. They gave me terrible shocks for doing that to him.
I am sorry again for deviating. So I was saying. I saw a penguin the other day. It was in the park. And it didn’t move at all. And its colour was not exactly like a penguin. It was more like brown. But the weird thing was that the words ‘USE ME’ were written on it. And that got me into thinking. What can this penguin possibly be used for? If you ask me, I think it was dead too. How do I know that? There was a rectangular hole in its chest. No doubt it wasn’t moving. You can’t have a dead animal as a pet. Some day its folks are going to come looking for it. They are going to get information about you if it’s your pet. Then they are going to turn up at your house. And then they are going to see their loved one lying dead there and they are going to see you applying jam on a bread with a knife. And unfortunately for you, the jam is going to be red! Next thing you know? Your folks are looking for you!
So why would anyone take this penguin as a pet. But I had sympathy for this dead penguin. There it lay dead. And nobody would even touch its body. They wouldn’t even give it a nice funeral. In fact I saw a few people throwing dirt on it. This penguin might have been terrible to everyone when it was alive. But that didn’t mean it deserved this after death. So I decided it then. I just got up, walked to the penguin’s body, squatted in front of it and hugged it. There were murmurs from the crowd. It was clear that many didn’t like it. They even started calling me a mad man. But I was used to it. I just sat there like that for a long time. And finally I was separated from it. That car which comes to pick me up everytime I escape from the mental hospital was there again. And people pulled me inside. I left the penguin. I believed I had done enough for it. And now I am back in my cell. Thinking of that dead penguin. Just when I heard two people talking outside my cell.
“What did he do this time?”
“He was hugging a dustbin in a public park.”
I felt really bad that they hated the penguin so much that they called it that. Maybe humans are not really God’s greatest invention. I hate them sometimes.
P.S Another new creation out of the closet of joblessness!
And they might be going like ‘That’s the coolest thing I have seen since the big bang! That was one hell of an explosion!’
And some other divine figure might go like ‘How do you explain those things walking around that thing digging its nose? They all are making a weird face?’
‘Yeah I can explain that too. See those people are disgusted by him. This is also one of the things that I didn’t teach them. They do it for themselves. It’s basically something that these creatures do to announce to the world that they are well mannered. But to tell you the truth, half of the people making a disgusted face do it themselves when they are alone. Isn’t that smart?’
Okay I think I am getting carried away. I have that habit of deviating from the topic. Most people call me a mad man for that. Many of them stare at me in park. Well I don’t blame them. After all I do the same thing the whole day. I sit on a bench and I stare. That’s my job. And that is perhaps why parents tend to keep their children at a safe distance from me. What they don’t realise is that if I were really capable of hurting somebody, I would hurt them rather than their children. So they should be the ones running away from me. Why would I hurt them? Because they think of me as a person who hurts for no reason. I swear I have never hurt anybody in my whole life intentionally. And I had a proper explanation for tying up that fellow upside down by the fan when I was in the mental hospital. I did it because he asked me to. He was asking me to do it everyday. Every morning I used to wake up, I used to find this fellow standing besides my bed with a rope in his hands. I don’t know how he got that rope inside. I used to tell him that it will be painful. But he never listened. And so I finally did it. That was when he realised that wasn’t the way to die. You were supposed to hang by your neck. He realised it when he didn’t die! I was sorry for him. But I did my part for him. They gave me terrible shocks for doing that to him.
I am sorry again for deviating. So I was saying. I saw a penguin the other day. It was in the park. And it didn’t move at all. And its colour was not exactly like a penguin. It was more like brown. But the weird thing was that the words ‘USE ME’ were written on it. And that got me into thinking. What can this penguin possibly be used for? If you ask me, I think it was dead too. How do I know that? There was a rectangular hole in its chest. No doubt it wasn’t moving. You can’t have a dead animal as a pet. Some day its folks are going to come looking for it. They are going to get information about you if it’s your pet. Then they are going to turn up at your house. And then they are going to see their loved one lying dead there and they are going to see you applying jam on a bread with a knife. And unfortunately for you, the jam is going to be red! Next thing you know? Your folks are looking for you!
So why would anyone take this penguin as a pet. But I had sympathy for this dead penguin. There it lay dead. And nobody would even touch its body. They wouldn’t even give it a nice funeral. In fact I saw a few people throwing dirt on it. This penguin might have been terrible to everyone when it was alive. But that didn’t mean it deserved this after death. So I decided it then. I just got up, walked to the penguin’s body, squatted in front of it and hugged it. There were murmurs from the crowd. It was clear that many didn’t like it. They even started calling me a mad man. But I was used to it. I just sat there like that for a long time. And finally I was separated from it. That car which comes to pick me up everytime I escape from the mental hospital was there again. And people pulled me inside. I left the penguin. I believed I had done enough for it. And now I am back in my cell. Thinking of that dead penguin. Just when I heard two people talking outside my cell.
“What did he do this time?”
“He was hugging a dustbin in a public park.”
I felt really bad that they hated the penguin so much that they called it that. Maybe humans are not really God’s greatest invention. I hate them sometimes.
P.S Another new creation out of the closet of joblessness!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)