Summer heat.

Here it comes again.
The heat that causes so much pain.
It makes people who are sane,
Do things that are totally insane.

Let me give you an example.
I could even call it a sample.
A friend caught fire on his hair,
And he ran around here and there like a hare.
What, you may ask, was wrong with the sun.
Had he decided to have some fun?

Does anyone of you like Maggi out there?
That thing that looks like an ox’s hair.
Well, they can’t sell raw Maggi anymore.
It gets cooked right up to the core.
That is the amount of heat around here.
Saying this brings in me a huge tear.

Water-shortage problem no longer prevails.
Even though water-bottle companies see a drop in sales.
They have all started biting their nails,
Because the substitute used is the sweat of all males.

The greatest torture still remains.
It is worse than the beatings of all the canes.
Sitting in a lecture is what I am referring to.
Just sitting and absorbing heat there is what we do.
We think when the teaching gets steady,
Aren’t we suffering enough already?

Summer is here, summer is here.
Finally something that we all can fear.
But God still considers us all very dear.
So just enjoy as long as you are here!

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am writing this letter to you sitting here on the last bench of my maths class. I am really scared God. Please help me. I know I have not been praying for many days now and that I haven’t been respecting you too much. But Mummy always says that you do exist. I didn’t believe her. But somewhere inside me, I knew I did. I have always believed in you my lord. Please get me out of this situation. Please help me this one time and I will do anything for you. I guarantee that. Please have some mercy. These tears falling from my eyes onto this ruled page are not made up my lord.

I know you might be present somewhere around here but I will tell you the situation in brief just in case you have not noticed what’s going on. My teacher is making students stand up one by one and asking them how they solved each question in the homework that she gave a week ago. There are ten questions. I just calculated and found out that I am the tenth man in the line. I am going to have to answer the last question. I have read it my lord. But I have no idea what it is about. The only words that make sense to me are Tom, cake shop, cakes, cost of one cake, total cost, etc. Don’t you agree with me that this doesn’t really form a part of maths?

Oh my god! She has reached the eighth person. Please God. Do something. I don’t want to face her. Please lord. Wait a minute. Why is that new student late? He is saying something like he couldn’t find out where the classroom was. Chump! Anyways, please think of a way my lord. I have heard so much of you. Please apply your magic here. Yes, yes! Do that! Make me the eleventh man! Make the boy sit in front of me. The seat is empty. Yes come on. Make him keep walking. Yes that’s it. Almost there. Keep walking. Yeah right there. Sit. Sit. Yes! Thank you so much my lord. Thank you very much. I can never repay you back, my lord. I can never repay you back.

By the way, I hope you are not expecting me to pray and all that now. Thanks for the favour. But praying isn’t really my style. I hope you didn’t take that seriously. It was just a deal okay? Don’t feel sad. It’s all just business. Pure business.

Teacher: Hey you there. That boy behind the new student scribbling something on that paper. Give a summary of how all the questions were solved.

Spiderman

“I was watching Spiderman the other day. The movie is good. But what the hell is the deal with his girlfriend? In the third part of the movie, she wants Spiderman to give her more attention. I didn’t get it. The guy is Spiderman. So what if he is not giving you his time? As long as he is calling you his girlfriend, you should be more than happy. Come on, the guy can climb walls for heaven’s sake. He can stop a moving train without applying brakes. What more do you want from a guy?

And if this shocked you, listen to what our hero does when his girlfriend tells him that she is done with him. The guy starts crying! No no. Not crying. The guy starts sobbing! What kind of a fool is he? I mean….he knows that he is one hell of a person with super powers and all that. And he is using that to save mankind from evil and this tiny person is trying to stop him. I would say that his girlfriend is his biggest enemy. The green goblin, doc oc, venom, sandman can’t make Spidey cry. But this girl with no super powers is making him cry. The girl is not even special. Believe me. All she knows is to shout. She has those piercing screams when she is kidnapped by someone. The scream is so irritating that if I were Spiderman, I would save her from the villain, but only because I want to do the honour of killing her myself. That’s how irritatingly she screams. But I guess it’s understandable. After all being kidnapped by a person with four mechanical arms isn’t really an experience that I have.

So let me tell you about the crying baby here. I just couldn’t believe it when spidey started crying. Grow up dude! You can so easily move on. You can get a better girl than her anytime. Come on man! You got stuff just popping our of your wrists man. Girls love that kind of stuff! And you got a sixth sense too. You can sense when your girl is mad at you or not. You are an ideal guy to be with. Girls would kill for you. And about this present girl of yours, I say you must torture her. You are saving innocent lives here man. And if that girl of yours is trying to stop you by blackmailing you emotionally, you should just tie her up somewhere in your cupboard. That sticky stuff that pops out of you could prove to be handy here.

Talking of that sticky stuff, that’s an amazing thing man. You gotta tell me what it’s made of. I tried a lot of stuff at home. I tried mixing all kinds of sticky things man. I don’t wanna go into details. Just that if I ever get into trouble and you saved me, instead of writing that crappy note saying “ Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”, you should rather write the composition of that sticky stuff.

And about that note that you leave all the time, I want to ask many things. Do you actually carry those notes in your pocket? And what if you fail to save someone one day? Do you carry a note for that situation also? Like maybe “Sorry. Couldn’t save you. Your friendly jerk, Spiderman.” And by the way, the note is a bad idea. One day a bank is going to get robbed and you are going to be busy taking care of that stupid girl of yours. The police are going to turn up over there just to find out that the money is missing and a note is displayed saying “Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”! Thieves these days are that smart! The police are going to come after you obviously. Then don’t cry about the fact that the papers say that you are a masked menace and all that crap.

And finally, one piece of advice man. Change your suit. Please do so. Or else you are going to be called a freak jumping in crotch-tight pants all over the city all your life. And no girl is coming after you then. Then don’t cry again!”

P.S : No offence to the movie. Spiderman is and will remain to be one of the best movies ever made. One of my favourites.

The Whisperer - Award ceremony

I am interested in music. Once I got an invitation to attend an award ceremony. I was very excited about it. I dressed up in the best clothes that I could find and went to attend the ceremony. There were performances of singers also. Unfortunately for me, the whisperer was there. But he was mostly quiet in the beginning. I think he too is a fan of music. But then there was one performance by a young singer that wasn’t that good according to the standards of the whisperer. And so he got bored and started commenting after the performance was over and the female host started talking again.

“(What a crappy voice. The guy is a lion-tamer) Ladies and Gentlemen (What about me?). A big round of applause for the young singer (Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to sing another song!). That was a brilliant performance (She is a hell of a liar!). This itself shows the growing attachment of India to music (what crap!). Even the youth are now making brilliant performances (Yeah. Right!). And now is the time that you all have been waiting for (Are they serving food?) . The time to announce the best male singer of the year (Oh! Okay.). To present this award, we would like to call Mr. Ramdev, one of the greatest music composers in the country (Zimbabwe I guess. Never even heard of him).”

Mr. Ramdev was a very tall man. He was well dressed in traditional clothes. Looked like a typical music composer to me. He started speaking.

“All the nominees are so talented this time (so other times they are crappy?) that I guess it might have been very difficult for the jury to choose the best among these great singers. If I were to decide, I would give the award to everyone (That’s why they didn’t put you on the jury). But our culture demands us to compare everyone and select the best out of them (Obviously. This is the only way to identify who the losers are!). Although I don’t support this (we know you are just scared of losing), I think it’s fine as long as it is received in a positive spirit by all the singers (Look who’s talking!). So I guess I have talked too much (Did he hear me?). Let me get to the point (Yeah. The food). The award goes to………. (Oh come on! Just tell it. We gotta go to work tomorrow morning)

Samit Agarwal (WHAT?? THE CHUUUUMP).”

Samit was an unexpected winner. He was not my favourite. Turns out that same applied to the whisperer. Samit was a modern generation singer. Spiked hair, with a shade of green. The look was like he was a rock band member. But he was just a simple person inside gifted with great voice. He had been given a break by a renowned music director who he called Guru. And he was a little nervous person. Seems like he too was shocked. And he was a little weird. A perfect target for the whisperer.

“(What a peacock!)I can’t believe that I am receiving this award (Neither can we kid). I am absolutely stunned (so are we kid!). Okay I didn’t really work on a speech because I wasn’t really expecting to win (we also didn’t bring tomatoes to hit you with). But now that I have been given this award, I guess I am supposed to thank those who helped me (not really. You can just reject the award). Pardon me if I say something wrong (No!). I have never really done this (Yeah. We all have been doing this since we were born!)

So I must start by thanking my girlfriend sitting over there (Gosh! The new generation!). That pretty little girl giggling there (the joke’s on you chump. she can’t believe you won!). She was the one who, in the first place, believed in me and made me consider singing as a career (It’s all because of her then. Get her people!). My parents were not very sure about that but she somehow convinced them to let me at least try (that girl is getting to my nerves now!). If it wasn’t for her, then I would probably never take up singing seriously. (That’s it. I need to have a word with her!)

And of course my parents (the peacocks!). I guess today I have removed all doubts from your mind, haven’t I? (No son. We still don’t trust you) Now do you believe her? (no!) But I am still thankful to you too because you let me give it a shot (what do you mean “still”?). I guess we can drink beer together tonight Dad (Who’s gonna pay?). Don’t worry, I will make sure Mom doesn’t find out.(Dude! You just told her. Along with the whole world!)

And another sincere thanks to Guru sitting there. He launched me (who brought you back then?) and I can never do enough to thank him (You can by not insulting him publicly. The guy is scared to death). He is an awesome person (Nice start). Very cool. Never scolds you at all (That’s why you turned out like this!). Except for that one time in which I was late for the recording, I have never seen (his gun?) him angry. He made the atmosphere very friendly for me (hope you don’t mean literally!). He knew that I was new on the board and that I needed (to be disposed off) time and space (and money!). And he gave me exactly that (the money?). That’s why this award is also shared by him (don’t drag him into this). And I would also like to thank Innovation productions for all the money (is it over?). And of course the jury (they are a bunch of chumps!). I am compelled to say that it was a bold step that they chose me. (and a foolish one!)

And I thank all the people sitting over here for putting up with me with smiling faces (they are waiting for you to get down. You are soooo stabbed!). I hope to see you people next time also(Noooo!). Thank you. (Welcome)”

Poor whisperer. He was really disappointed that his favourite didn’t win. If you are reading this whisperer, you should come see me. I will console you. (Nice try! I don’t trust you!)

Letters

Dear Josh,
Hope you are dead by now. I know it’s silly of me to write this letter. Given that dead mice can’t read. But still I am writing this letter hoping that if not your stinking body, at least your soul shall be literate enough to read this. I want to confess and explain a few things.

First of all, I never wanted to kill you. It was Ralph’s idea. I just wanted you out of my house. The mess that you caused when I was asleep (you have almost brought down the entire house), the embarrassment that you caused when I had guests was simply unbearable. And I guessed I had made myself clear when I tried to shoot you with that gun of mine before you ran back into your hole. But you never got the point. You were always this irritating piece of stinking flesh that liked to trouble me a lot. You might deny this to get yourself into the mice heaven. And I am not talking about my fridge. I am talking about the real mice heaven. But you know how irritating you were.

Second thing is that I wanted to apologize. Not for killing you. In fact I am a little glad that you are dead. When I said that I never wanted to kill you, I was lying. So I was saying. I wanted to apologize to you for killing you secretly. It’s not really my style. I would generally prefer to crush mice or just shoot them. But then you were too good to fall for any of these. That time when I made that whole contraption for you to die, I still don’t know how the hell you found out that it was actually a trap. Did you used to watch Tom and Jerry when I was not home?

Okay whatever. Third thing is that Ralph says hello. We are on a vacation. You may not know this. We left directly from Ralph’s house. As you already know, I haven’t been coming home for many nights now. It’s because of you making that noise. I just hate it. I wish like I could tie your tongue round your body twice. You could guess the magnitude of my anger from the way you died. Oh no wait I forgot. We chose Ralph’s way of killing you. See basically I wanted to blow you up and Ralph wanted to poison you. And we went with Ralph’s method because we need to show your body in the insurance claim. Okay that was a joke. I would like your departed soul to smile at least once. But then I guess it’s difficult to laugh on a joke made on your body like that. So I am sorry once again.

Anyways, I have to go now. Ralph and I are supposed to go see some museum. I hope there are no mice around there.

Hope you have taken the poison.

Your hopeful murderer
Joseph

P.S : There is no escaping. There is a back up plan. Ralph’s darling cat is waiting for you somewhere inside the house! So try to die in a very torturous way. That will make me and the cat feel good.

Reply from Josh.

Dear Joseph,
The cat ate the poison. It’s dead. I am sorry. Tell Ralph to let his future pet cat watch Tom and Jerry. Unpleasant surprises waiting for you back home. Come back soon. Missing you.

Your failed attempt
Kuzo

P.S : For the 100th time, my name is not Josh. It’s Kuzo.

The Whisperer - 2

I went to attend a speech once. It was on inner development. About the mind and all that. I am generally interested in such things a lot. And I really wanted to listen to the speech. But my time there was ruined. The whisperer was present there. My life is all ruined because of him.I can concentrate on two things at a time. So I can hear the whisperer very clearly every time.

The speech started. The man was talking very nicely. Sometimes pausing and sometimes maintaining the flow. But I guess the whisperer got bored and started doing what he does worst. Whispering comments.

“The world is (crap!) just a projection of your mind in front of your eyes (so it’s a lecture on the Matrix now!). You see in the world that what lies within you (My digestive system?). If you find hatred in the world means you have hatred inside you (a malfunctioning digestive system). If you find that the world is a good place then it means that you are a good person inside (not a malfunctioning digestive system). And your mind is a very complex object (hell yeah!). Keeping it in control is an art (why is everything crappy put in the domain of art?). If you have it in control, then you will be on top of this world. (is it worth it?)

The normal mind generally tends to be negative (and still he calls it normal!). It is attracted to things that are negative (uh huh) and do not matter (oooo). When you are dealing with the mind, you have to be smart (especially if the deal involves money!). You might have noticed that sometimes you just forget to do something. Don’t you? (no!) What I am saying is that this weakness could actually be converted into strength (Yeah. So?). How? (what do I know?) You have to learn to forget that what you want to forget (can I forget this speech?). If somebody hurts you some day by saying something, you should (punch him in the face!) know how to put that thing behind you and (burn him alive!) forgive him without even thinking about (the amount of fuel required!) it. You should learn to forget it. And forget it totally. You all know that you are very good at it (really?). So use it in a good way. (okay!)

Everyone is unique in this world (except you). There are some things that you and only you can do (so I require two myselfs). Things that you were born to do (die?). The purpose of your life is to (die) find what thing that is and do it (die). And never care about what tries to stop you (doctors, he means). The problem with our country is (a lot of speeches!) that a lot of talent is getting crushed. Frankly speaking, every child born in this nation is a genius (so other nation kids are chumps I guess). But when he does that what he is good at (sucking his thumb that is), he finds that practically there are a lot of problems to face (like the absence of a thumb or a mouth or both!). If he starts worrying about these things, then he will never (be able to become a good sucker!) excel in life. The best way to live a happy life is to (cut off your thumb) work hard. Other things (fingers he means!) don’t matter. To use the modern lingo, you should have the attitude of ‘I don’t give a damn!’ to other minor things. Do you agree or not? (I don’t give a damn!)

I had a friend once (had?). There was a problem with him (Oh. Got it). He never used to take risks in life (why? He was too scared to jump off the cliff?). Every time he had to make a decision, he used to get scared (of the height of the cliff). He was scared that he would (land on the head) lose. He was scared about what people will think about (the pieces of his bones!) him. He was scared of what will happen if he (jumps) makes a decision. I tried to help him (by pushing him?). But he was impossible (why? Did he abuse you for it?). And he never changed. I have a question here (really?). How many of you have heard of Rajesh Mishra? (minus two!) None of you. Well he is a math genius (no doubt!). Give him any problem in algebra and he will (give it back to you!)solve it in a matter of seconds. He takes tuition classes at his home (oh ho!). He has got offers from all over the world to teach (maths or cowardice?). But he never takes them. Even though he is such a genius, why haven’t you people heard of him? (we don’t read the ‘fools today’ magazine much!) That’s because he never risks anything (I like him). He is the same friend of mine I was talking about (the jumper?). The main thing that I want to tell you is (to close your eyes before jumping) that when you want to do something, just do it (so he is promoting Nike huh?). Don’t think of anything else.

Now the last thing that I want to say (finally!) to you is related to your body (interesting!). It’s about that thing called exercise (Stick to English dude!). I always say this at the end of my speech (so you say it after every fifty years?). The only place to keep a good mind nicely is a (frozen lab) good body. You should exercise everyday for keeping yourself healthy (so that the jump off the cliff will be easier?). Exercise doesn’t just mean that you want to be fit. It means something more (that you are dumb!). It means that you are dedicated to life (and foolishness). It means that you are taking interest in it. And when you feel like that, you will see that you are the happiest person on the planet (Venus that is!). Thank you. (welcome)”

I hate the whisperer. One day I am going to find him and punch him in the face. That irritating piece of crap. (I don’t give a damn!)

Comedian

“Have you ever wondered whether other animals can talk to each other like us? Seriously. Isn’t there a possibility that they already do so? For example let’s take two dogs. Both are walking on the opposite side of the road in opposite directions until they see each other. Once they see each other, they start barking. Now barking is something that we interpret it as barking. Maybe they are actually talking to each other. I had a friend once who had actually done a PhD in this subject of animal interaction with each other. He got carried away by his subject and actually interpreted the lion showing its teeth to him as a smile given by the lion. And then when it came running towards him, he interpreted it as though the lion was coming to greet him in its territory. When the lion pounced, he said that this lion has been longing to love someone for a long time now. And then when the lion plucked his hand out, he learnt that he was after all wrong. Sadly enough he couldn’t publish his paper on this because he could no longer write.”

There was a small laugh among the audience. It was a restaurant for middle class people. It wasn’t well lit. A middle class man would have preferred to come there with his friends rather than his family. Not that it wasn’t a joyous place. Just that it was a place for friends to hang out together and have a good time.

“I always wondered why people drink stuff that contains alcohol so slowly. It’s like they raise the glass, touch their lips to it and then keep it down for another five minutes. Then after five minutes again they raise their glass, touch their lips to it and keep it down. Frankly speaking, I have never seen a person drink alcohol. I have just seen them touch it to their lips. And I always wonder why. I asked an alcohol kisser this question once. Why do you just kiss it and keep it back? I said. And he said ‘Consume it all in one shot and the next thing you know is you are dead.’ So the conclusion is that they just kiss the alcohol because they prefer a slow torturous death compared to a nice quick one.”

Again there were a little bit of smiles around. The stand-up comedian wasn’t really making good jokes. But he had that shine in his eyes and that confidence in himself to keep people’s ears open to him. So they were listening. And besides, they didn’t have any other option. You either listen to him talk or you just get up and walk away.

“The alcohol thing was just a joke by the way. It’s not true that alcohol kills you. I am guessing from the look on the manager’s face that he is trying to say that alcohol isn’t the only thing that can kill you.”

Smiles persist.

“So coming back to the animals thing, I was telling you about two dogs. My friend, before his hand was plucked out, was actually working on what dogs might be saying to each other. But then the mating season came in and my friend decided to let the dogs have their privacy. As if they really cared! Dude, it’s a dog we are talking about. It doesn’t care if you give it privacy or not. If it did care then it could have very well worn pants also to cover itself. And I don’t blame it. I wouldn’t care if a dog disturbs my privacy. My friend was a foolish person. No doubt he got his hand plucked out.”

People were now not much interested. They were ordering new dishes and few were leaving. The stand-up comedian was used to this. It was time for him to close his performance. He knew his humour wasn’t that great to keep these people glued to their seats. He just knew that he could manage to give them a happy time while they sat in front of him.

“That’s all my dear friends. Thanks for listening. I hope you all had a great time.”

There were a few claps. The comedian knew that these were from the people who really had a bad sense of humour. He knew that he had to do a lot more than this. His main aim in life was to make people laugh. As hard as he could. He liked it when he made them happy. And he knew there was a long way to go. He had to analyse his weaknesses and he had to grow and become better. Not that he would be fired from the place. He owned the place. Not many knew that. He wasn’t doing this for money. He was doing it as a passion. He was doing it to give people the happiness that they deserved but weren’t getting it because of the hectic life around them. He knew that the only way to live was to laugh. Because the day you stop laughing, you die. He had to work harder for the next performance now.


To be continued……………