"Friendship is a very weird thing to have. The main aspect of friendship is where you draw the line. The line is the limit to how close you can take your friends to yourself. For some people, this line is very close to them. And for some, including me, this line is very far. Some might argue that there is no such line for them. And they might be true. But I can always make my case by saying that the line still exists but at an infinitesimally small distance from you!
We of course have multiple lines i.e the line is defined separately for each friend of ours. Typically, you tend to put a group of people at one level and then another group of people at another level. For example, your school friends. Since they are your friends since childhood, they might be placed behind the line closest to you. Of course this is valid only unless you had an experience with them which, after your sexual enlightenment in college, you found out was supposed to be awkward.
Then there is a set of college friends that you have. Even though they have been with you for a shorter duration of time, they enjoy the advantage of being more interesting to you since you are at the so called "embedding" age when you meet them. These years are those of teenage or adolescence. This age is called embedding because you tend to embed things that you learn during these years in your life thereafter till you lie on your deathbed, guilty. The principles that you learn, the habits that you develop during this age stay with you. So do the people that you meet during these years. However, a fair judgement would ask you to keep these people at a line far away from your childhood friends. But then fairness also asks us to do other things like respecting our elders, drinking milk every day, going to bed at nine and waking up at five, etc. Not that I am saying that these things are wrong. Just that one can always question your 'being fair' by saying that why not be 'really fair' by applying 'being fair' to every aspect of your life.
Coming back to the main point, most of us don't realize that like we have drawn our lines, others too have drawn theirs. And I would define an ideal friendship as the friendship in which the distance at which both people place each other is equal. But then that is hardly ever the case. We rarely find such a pair. One such pair is the Swat Cats. But then they are not for real. I wonder why I even thought of them. You have to give me a break though. You can't blame me for being interested in the lives of two cats who get along with each other so well that their team work actually ends up in them building a jet that can even fit things which look bigger than itself and also fly at the same time faster than all other jets. Moreover, with a blue exhaust gas coming out of its tail.
I am sorry for deviating. But I have to talk about this one. ‘Swat Kats’ was and still remains to be one of my most favourite cartoons. Oh, the music, the concept and most of all, their gadgets! However there is one episode in which I got a little confused. The concept says that the Swat Cats built their awesome jet out of scrap. And they actually have missiles in the jet which have diamond tips so that they can penetrate deeper. And that's when I wondered who the hell threw diamond away as scrap!
Anyway, coming back to the main point, we rarely see an ideal friendship around. And it can be proved, even mathematically, for those who really give a damn about what I am saying. And now comes the important question. What do you do when you find that your friendship with someone is not really ideal? What do you do when you find out that someone is invading you or that you are invading someone? By 'invading', I mean going closer than what the line allows you to go. Sometimes we can just change the lines accordingly. When the disturbances are minor, you can even neglect them. The bolder type of people open up and say it out and discuss such things. And the one thing about discussing such things is that they are self-driven. The moment you talk to your friend about changing his or her position on your line map, the position is already changed. That's what I believe. Because many times, it is the thought or the feeling that counts.
Anyway, I wasn't really giving you a solution. I was just telling you a problem. I know I sound like I am soon going to say something wise. But believe me, I am not. I never have. And according to my mother, I never will. But then I believe that the secret of being a great orator is to maximize the time for which you can fool your audience into thinking that you are a wise person. For those of you who want to enter politics, this would be my sole advice. And I don't think there is anything wrong in it. Everyone needs a boost to perform well in life. If you can provide that boost by simply being a hypocrite, then go ahead. However, most of the times you will find that people are smart enough to know that you are just a man or woman of words. Unless you do what you say, nobody will listen to you. We had better leaders in the olden days. You didn't see a king giving a war cry and then going and sitting in his castle while watching his men fight for him, did you?
So, I guess I have deviated a lot by now. I don't really remember what I was talking about. Something about lines and geometry and all that stuff. Oh forget it! Let me just get the hell out of here. Take care people. See you soon again."
And he left the stage to a mild applause.
About Me
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Comedian
The restaurant was filled with people. It was five minutes to eight. More people were rushing into the restaurant. The waiters were busy making seating arrangements for the newly arrived customers. The tables near the windows which opened to the park beside the one storeyed restaurant were quite in demand. However, the tables nearest to the stage were the ones which filled first. The bartender on the other side of the stage was working hard to make drinks for people, most of whom he had seen before. The waiters were taking orders for food. Nobody opened the menu. Nobody needed to open the menu. It was hardly possible to be a citizen of the city and not know that this place served wonderful sizzlers.
Five minutes passed by soon. At sharp eight, the spotlight was switched on and focussed on to the stage. A man sitting on one of the tables nearest to the stage got up and went up to the stage. It was him, the Comedian, as he was known. There was a mild applause. He started.
“Hello all. How are you, people? It’s been a long time. I would like to tell you all that I am with my friends here today. Those four sitting at that table that I was just sitting on are my friends.
Yes, I too have friends. And for those of you who don’t know, ‘Comedian’ is NOT my last name and ‘The’ is DEFINITELY NOT my first name. I was sort of feeling insecure about my image in public. People are slowly forgetting that I am a person. The other day I was in the city mall and a guy with his son walks up to me and says, ‘Hey comedian, my son is feeling a little depressed. Can you make him laugh?’
What the hell was that? Am I an instrument to make little kids laugh now? He could have at least asked for an autograph before asking for a favour! Humour is an art. It needs a lot of homework. At that moment, the chances of me making that little kid laugh were as bleak as that of his father having a heart! For all I knew, I could take him to a corner and tickle him to death. But I hardly think his father would have appreciated that. But then, you never know. These times of global economic recession do tend to bring the worst out in men. You wouldn’t be fully wrong in expecting the father to say ‘Dear Lord! That is a fortune saved. How much do I pay you?’ after you tickle his son to death.”
There was a mild response from the audience.
“Yeah, I know. Most of my jokes are based on exaggeration. I hate the person who invented that word. Now my jokes are described in chapter two of the joke book, the title being exaggeration jokes. I hate being classified. It is bad for the business. You see? People tend to like things that they can’t really describe when it comes to art. We get to hear expressions like ‘i have no words’ and ‘i am speechless’, etc. Now I will never get those types of comments on my jokes. Now they will always be like ‘yeah so what?’ and ‘been there, done that’ sort of comments because people have a word for my jokes now, the word being exaggeration.
So anyway, coming back to my life, I brought my friends here today because I wanted to prove it to everyone that I too have a life. I too have friends who come all the way from different parts of the city to watch me perform even though they have such tight schedules. Younis, for example. That tall and thin guy sitting there with a philistine smile etched on his moronic face. He is a computer engineer His job is really demanding. Do you know why? I will tell you. His job is to go to the city theatre every Friday and give a review of the latest movies to his colleagues. And there are many constraints while performing this overwhelming task. One of them is that he has to take a girl with him every time he goes. He is really good at his job. In fact he was just giving me a briefing of what he learnt from the latest movie 3 Idiots. It seems he learnt that he should never try to hide anything that he is doing FOR his friends FROM his friends, just for the sake of surprising his friends. It seems a guy did that in the movie to surprise one of his depressed friends but then before his surprise was ready, the friend had committed suicide out of hopelessness. Poor guy.
Anyway so Younis today told all of us what he is doing for us behind our backs so as to make sure that we know that he will always be there for us. He is doing a lot for our friend Rahul there, the guy wearing goggles AT THIS TIME OF THE DAY. So anyway, Younis has been doing a lot for Rahul behind his back to “surprise” him. He is thinking of buying night-vision goggles for Rahul. Yeah. Night-vision goggles. It seems they cost around fifty rupees. And Younis is going to buy one for Rahul, who by the way does not carry a handkerchief because he hasn’t found one which costs more than five hundred bucks. Rahul acted all surprised and happy when he heard of this.
But Younis, I must tell you one thing. I don’t know how to say this. The only way of putting it is, if you care even a little bit about Rahul’s welfare, please, for God’s sake, don’t buy the goggles. It is a horrible gift to buy for a person like Rahul. I mean, look at him. Just turn to your right and look at him. Look at the way he is wearing that jacket over his body tight T-shirt, the way his denims are torn at the right places, the way his hair is spiked. Look at him and just ask yourself the question, why should this creature not squeeze the blood out of me for getting him night-vision goggles. I mean, there are more chances of Rahul dying out of depression after getting that gift.
By the way, Younis, if you have already bought the goggles, I can suggest you a person who you should gift it to. Our very own Abhay. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce Abhay to all of you. He is a very close friend of mine and he was the easiest for me to persuade to come here today. I told him that we get to dance with a lady of our choice from the audience after my show. Abhay, I am sorry I lied. But more than that, I am sorry your mother dropped you on the head on a hard place when you were a kid. Who gets fooled like that? I mean, these are real royal people sitting in front of us. How could you even think that I was telling the truth? I say the same thing to tempt my pre-matured twelve year old kid and he will say ‘Nice try, Dad. I am twelve’. You need to stop trusting people man. It’s always been your problem. You trust people very easily. Remember that time when that guy on the street said he could make you fly if you get undressed. Thank God I came there on time. What? What is it Abhay? What is it that you are saying? Heights? Scared of heights? You are scared of heights? Okay let me get this straight. You are thanking God that I came on time because you had forgotten that you were scared of heights and did not really want to fly? God that’s sad. You are real sad man. I am going to write a book on you. And it’s going to be titled, ‘The terrible consequences of having hard places in the city’.
Anyways ladies and gentlemen, time is running out. I better start my apology speech before it’s too late. I would like to thank my friends today for coming to my show. Younis, Rahul and Abhay. Obviously the things that I said were not really true. I just want to thank them for being there for me always. That’s from my heart guys. No jokes there. Thank you people. Hope to see you again soon. Take care.”
He left the stage and went and sat with his friends. A singer came up on the stage for the next performance of the evening. The comedian had a peaceful dinner with his friends and soon left.
Five minutes passed by soon. At sharp eight, the spotlight was switched on and focussed on to the stage. A man sitting on one of the tables nearest to the stage got up and went up to the stage. It was him, the Comedian, as he was known. There was a mild applause. He started.
“Hello all. How are you, people? It’s been a long time. I would like to tell you all that I am with my friends here today. Those four sitting at that table that I was just sitting on are my friends.
Yes, I too have friends. And for those of you who don’t know, ‘Comedian’ is NOT my last name and ‘The’ is DEFINITELY NOT my first name. I was sort of feeling insecure about my image in public. People are slowly forgetting that I am a person. The other day I was in the city mall and a guy with his son walks up to me and says, ‘Hey comedian, my son is feeling a little depressed. Can you make him laugh?’
What the hell was that? Am I an instrument to make little kids laugh now? He could have at least asked for an autograph before asking for a favour! Humour is an art. It needs a lot of homework. At that moment, the chances of me making that little kid laugh were as bleak as that of his father having a heart! For all I knew, I could take him to a corner and tickle him to death. But I hardly think his father would have appreciated that. But then, you never know. These times of global economic recession do tend to bring the worst out in men. You wouldn’t be fully wrong in expecting the father to say ‘Dear Lord! That is a fortune saved. How much do I pay you?’ after you tickle his son to death.”
There was a mild response from the audience.
“Yeah, I know. Most of my jokes are based on exaggeration. I hate the person who invented that word. Now my jokes are described in chapter two of the joke book, the title being exaggeration jokes. I hate being classified. It is bad for the business. You see? People tend to like things that they can’t really describe when it comes to art. We get to hear expressions like ‘i have no words’ and ‘i am speechless’, etc. Now I will never get those types of comments on my jokes. Now they will always be like ‘yeah so what?’ and ‘been there, done that’ sort of comments because people have a word for my jokes now, the word being exaggeration.
So anyway, coming back to my life, I brought my friends here today because I wanted to prove it to everyone that I too have a life. I too have friends who come all the way from different parts of the city to watch me perform even though they have such tight schedules. Younis, for example. That tall and thin guy sitting there with a philistine smile etched on his moronic face. He is a computer engineer His job is really demanding. Do you know why? I will tell you. His job is to go to the city theatre every Friday and give a review of the latest movies to his colleagues. And there are many constraints while performing this overwhelming task. One of them is that he has to take a girl with him every time he goes. He is really good at his job. In fact he was just giving me a briefing of what he learnt from the latest movie 3 Idiots. It seems he learnt that he should never try to hide anything that he is doing FOR his friends FROM his friends, just for the sake of surprising his friends. It seems a guy did that in the movie to surprise one of his depressed friends but then before his surprise was ready, the friend had committed suicide out of hopelessness. Poor guy.
Anyway so Younis today told all of us what he is doing for us behind our backs so as to make sure that we know that he will always be there for us. He is doing a lot for our friend Rahul there, the guy wearing goggles AT THIS TIME OF THE DAY. So anyway, Younis has been doing a lot for Rahul behind his back to “surprise” him. He is thinking of buying night-vision goggles for Rahul. Yeah. Night-vision goggles. It seems they cost around fifty rupees. And Younis is going to buy one for Rahul, who by the way does not carry a handkerchief because he hasn’t found one which costs more than five hundred bucks. Rahul acted all surprised and happy when he heard of this.
But Younis, I must tell you one thing. I don’t know how to say this. The only way of putting it is, if you care even a little bit about Rahul’s welfare, please, for God’s sake, don’t buy the goggles. It is a horrible gift to buy for a person like Rahul. I mean, look at him. Just turn to your right and look at him. Look at the way he is wearing that jacket over his body tight T-shirt, the way his denims are torn at the right places, the way his hair is spiked. Look at him and just ask yourself the question, why should this creature not squeeze the blood out of me for getting him night-vision goggles. I mean, there are more chances of Rahul dying out of depression after getting that gift.
By the way, Younis, if you have already bought the goggles, I can suggest you a person who you should gift it to. Our very own Abhay. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce Abhay to all of you. He is a very close friend of mine and he was the easiest for me to persuade to come here today. I told him that we get to dance with a lady of our choice from the audience after my show. Abhay, I am sorry I lied. But more than that, I am sorry your mother dropped you on the head on a hard place when you were a kid. Who gets fooled like that? I mean, these are real royal people sitting in front of us. How could you even think that I was telling the truth? I say the same thing to tempt my pre-matured twelve year old kid and he will say ‘Nice try, Dad. I am twelve’. You need to stop trusting people man. It’s always been your problem. You trust people very easily. Remember that time when that guy on the street said he could make you fly if you get undressed. Thank God I came there on time. What? What is it Abhay? What is it that you are saying? Heights? Scared of heights? You are scared of heights? Okay let me get this straight. You are thanking God that I came on time because you had forgotten that you were scared of heights and did not really want to fly? God that’s sad. You are real sad man. I am going to write a book on you. And it’s going to be titled, ‘The terrible consequences of having hard places in the city’.
Anyways ladies and gentlemen, time is running out. I better start my apology speech before it’s too late. I would like to thank my friends today for coming to my show. Younis, Rahul and Abhay. Obviously the things that I said were not really true. I just want to thank them for being there for me always. That’s from my heart guys. No jokes there. Thank you people. Hope to see you again soon. Take care.”
He left the stage and went and sat with his friends. A singer came up on the stage for the next performance of the evening. The comedian had a peaceful dinner with his friends and soon left.
Life
We came here alone.
And we shall also leave alone .
Not a single thing in our hands,
But memories as vast as desert sands.
Life is too short to be screwed up;
And too long to just give up.
So get on your feet, shake off the dust,
And take the path which is completely just.
Buildings will be built,
But eventually they will tilt.
Roads will be made,
But eventually they will fade.
But once see your loved one cry,
And that memory will never die.
Never stay low; never feel bad;
Never hate anyone; never be mad;
These are all just traps for the mind,
They will make you go mentally blind.
Get taken advantage of; who cares?
Happiness will go to the one who shares
Life is as simple as that you know?
And with that I shall take a bow.
We came here alone.
And we shall also leave alone .
Not a single thing in our hands,
But memories as vast as desert sands.
And we shall also leave alone .
Not a single thing in our hands,
But memories as vast as desert sands.
Life is too short to be screwed up;
And too long to just give up.
So get on your feet, shake off the dust,
And take the path which is completely just.
Buildings will be built,
But eventually they will tilt.
Roads will be made,
But eventually they will fade.
But once see your loved one cry,
And that memory will never die.
Never stay low; never feel bad;
Never hate anyone; never be mad;
These are all just traps for the mind,
They will make you go mentally blind.
Get taken advantage of; who cares?
Happiness will go to the one who shares
Life is as simple as that you know?
And with that I shall take a bow.
We came here alone.
And we shall also leave alone .
Not a single thing in our hands,
But memories as vast as desert sands.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Comedian - 2
“What’s the deal with all comedians starting their act with ‘what’s the deal with.....’? They all have a fixed set of sentences. They all go like ‘what’s the deal with this. What’s the deal with that? Last time I checked, two thousand was a big number.’ And they all laugh about it. I don’t get it. I seriously don’t. I mean where the hell do you get to check if thousand is a big number or not? And even if there is such a place, didn’t you know it already that thousand is a pretty big number? I would say half of the people laughing out so loud are laughing at their stupidity more than their jokes.
Anyways, I just wanted to know how come all these comedians come up with the same sort of lines and the same kind of style. I mean, is there something like a meeting held by you guys somewhere in private? Or is there something like a Bible or an encyclopaedia that you guys follow? If there are such things, why am I not aware of them? After all I too am a comedian. Maybe not a big shot. But surely I have class. I wouldn’t be cracking up so many people in the same restaurant for five years otherwise. Some of them have even turned up for the same act twice. So either I am a good comedian or those people have really got nothing else to do with their lives. I want to remove the second option but then looking at the number of beer glasses per table, I have a feeling that I am sort of right to assume that it’s really not me. It’s their lives.
Anyways, did I tell you guys about the movie that I went for the other day? Well, for those who have already come here once before this week, I guess I have told you. But I don’t think it would do us harm to hear it again, would it? And besides, I don’t have anything else to talk about. So unless a fool amongst you stands up to me and says ‘That’s it jerk. You are so damn repetitive. Even I could do better than this’, I shall stand my ground, and continue talking.
So I go to the theatre. The movie’s awesome. Dil Chahta Hai. I bet most of you here like it. Now we can easily answer questions like my favourite character is him or her or whatever. But I got an important question. What do you guys have to say about Rohit? Okay I guess not many of you know remember him. Let me remind you. Rohit is the guy whose parents took care of Shalini since her childhood after her parents passed away. Rohit falls in love with Shalini and decides to marry her. But Shalini has fallen for Aakash. And then there are instances wherein Rohit is shown to be very possessive about Shalini. In fact he even punches Aakash in the face once. But finally Aakash turns up on the Sangeet night before their marriage and proposes to Shalini in front of almost 300 people, who by the way have got nothing to do with the 300 men who fought for Sparta in the movie 300. Although now that I think of it, it would be pretty interesting to have those 300 people here, wouldn’t it? Anyways, let’s not deviate here. I must accept it though. It is really difficult to just swing around this notional concept of having those 300 men over here and not say a word about it. But I shall control my urge to make fun.
So now, back to where we were, Aakash proposes to Shalini in front of so many people. Rohit comes forward to punch Aakash again. But his father stops him. They take Shalini in a room and question her about her preferences. You know, stuff like ‘what sort of a guy you like and who’s her type’ and all that. And then they come out of the room. Rohit’s father plays the old game of making everyone think that he does not support Aakash and Shalini, and then finally in his last line, he asks her to marry Aakash after scolding her so much. And then Shalini hugs Aakash. Rohit is not happy. He comes forward to take Shalini forcibly. Aakash stops him and punches him in the face. He falls down. Aakash gives him a hand to get up. He gets up and leaves. All is well. Nicely done. Now I have one major question. What do you think about Rohit? Hate him? I am sure. But I think you should look at the story from his point of view before judging him. Here goes.
‘I fell in love with the girl who was brought up by my own parents as if their own daughter. I liked her a lot. She was very pretty and bubbly. I just wanted to spend my life with her. But there was this guy who was after her. And she too sort of acted as if she liked him a little bit. But she never told me that she doesn’t want to be with me. So I started getting frustrated and became more and more possessive day by day. Finally it was one day before my marriage. Almost 300 guests were there (Oh come on! Could we just stick to ‘many guests’ rather than that number? It’s becoming more difficult for me to control). All the guests were my friends, relatives, etc. They all respected me. Then Aakash turns up and proposes to MY girl in MY wedding in front of MY guests. I get mad and want to hit him. MY father stops me. MY father, MY mother, MY girl go and talk inside MY house. They all come out. MY father decides to marry off MY girl to MY competitor. And this decision is made in MY marriage in front of all MY guests. So I get mad. I want to hit Aakash. MY face gets punched by Aakash. MY father sits quiet. MY guests are just watching. I fall down on MY ground. I take Aakash’s hand and get up and then walk away. Just walk away. Leaving MY girl behind in MY enemy’s hands in MY own marriage and MY own parents on his side.’
This is my point. I feel sorry for him more than hatred or anger. And those who still don’t feel sorry for him, it’s about time you buy yourself a heart. And guess what the worst part is. After going through so much, he doesn’t even get to be the lead actor. I mean this guy’s life is sad man. Totally sad. He just got insulted in front of three....so many people. Please let’s not say the number. I am working really hard to suppress my urges here.
But this was not my main story by the way. My main story was about this guy who was in the theatre. I don’t know where he was sitting. His cell phone started ringing in the middle of the movie. And I was like totally angered by it. But then I gave him the benefit of one mistake. He might have forgotten to put it in silent mode. But I was wrong. This guy does not switch off his cell phone or turn it to silent mode. He receives the call. Okay, I say. Maybe an emergency. Maybe somebody is waiting outside or something like that. But no. He is simply talking to his friend about organizing a party. And that was the limit. He was like ‘Thursday? Thursday’s good? Oh yeah, her exams are getting over on Thursday right? Yeah yeah. Yeah I am bringing the food. We have a few more burgers added right? Yeah sure. What are you going to do with that repair work in your house? Really? Great man. Now we got all the time we want. Friday? No man Friday’s not good for me. I got new movies to watch man. You know me. Always catching the first shows. Sunday is good. Sid is coming? What time? That’s too early man. We gotta chill at night man .Not on Sunday. We have an entire free week after that. Yeah. You didn’t know? Classes postponed right? So when do we have it? God it’s tough.’
And then suddenly someone from somewhere else in the hall shouts ,
’HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOR GOD’S SAKE’.
And then someone else somewhere else in the hall goes like ‘Hey I am not free on Monday. I gotta rewatch this movie’. There were a few laughs among the crowd here and there. And then the comments started coming in. All making fun of the guy talking on phone. Pretty funny comments. And then I thought, maybe I should put in my own comment. A funny one. I have got to think of one. After all comedy is what I do for a living. So I seize my moment and shout out
‘Even we have phones you know?’
Silence. Stunned silence. Nobody laughs. Nobody chuckles. Nobody sneezes. Although I bet I heard a popcorn crunch. And then another guy goes ‘That was sad man. You gotta work on that!’ And then more started pouring in.
‘Yeah man. That was sad. Real sad.’
‘You could get a job to talk at funerals man.’
‘Did I miss something? Sorry I had slept off because of the immense boredom of that comment.’
‘I like the phone guy better now.’
‘We hate you. Show yourself.’
‘I feel like walking out right now. I mean the movie is awesome. But I bet I almost walked out.’
It was so embarrassing. I was just thankful that nobody knew that it was me, the guy who earns a living out of making jokes.
It was a sad day for me. But I didn’t get demoralised. I took inspiration from Rohit. I mean, what was my insult compared to his insult? Here, not a single person knew it was me. There, all 300 of them knew that it was him. Yes I know I know. I am controlling it. It’s really hard. 300 warriors present in the wedding (rather, the Sangeet). Oh what the hell? Who am I kidding? I can’t hold it in anymore.
‘(The leader shouting)SPAAAAARTAAAA. WHO ARE WE WITH?’
‘(chorus) HOO.... HOO.....’
‘(The leader again)SPAAAAAARTAAA. THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHO ARE WE SUPPORTING?’
‘(chorus) HOO....HOO....’
‘(Leader, pained now) You know what? Just go ahead and kill whoever comes first. We will say we were supporting the other guy.’”
He took a bow and left. They all started applauding. It was routine. They ate their food and left. Many of them would come back for his next act soon.
PS : No offence to Dil Chahta Hai or 300. Both are classics. Do watch them if you haven’t.
Anyways, I just wanted to know how come all these comedians come up with the same sort of lines and the same kind of style. I mean, is there something like a meeting held by you guys somewhere in private? Or is there something like a Bible or an encyclopaedia that you guys follow? If there are such things, why am I not aware of them? After all I too am a comedian. Maybe not a big shot. But surely I have class. I wouldn’t be cracking up so many people in the same restaurant for five years otherwise. Some of them have even turned up for the same act twice. So either I am a good comedian or those people have really got nothing else to do with their lives. I want to remove the second option but then looking at the number of beer glasses per table, I have a feeling that I am sort of right to assume that it’s really not me. It’s their lives.
Anyways, did I tell you guys about the movie that I went for the other day? Well, for those who have already come here once before this week, I guess I have told you. But I don’t think it would do us harm to hear it again, would it? And besides, I don’t have anything else to talk about. So unless a fool amongst you stands up to me and says ‘That’s it jerk. You are so damn repetitive. Even I could do better than this’, I shall stand my ground, and continue talking.
So I go to the theatre. The movie’s awesome. Dil Chahta Hai. I bet most of you here like it. Now we can easily answer questions like my favourite character is him or her or whatever. But I got an important question. What do you guys have to say about Rohit? Okay I guess not many of you know remember him. Let me remind you. Rohit is the guy whose parents took care of Shalini since her childhood after her parents passed away. Rohit falls in love with Shalini and decides to marry her. But Shalini has fallen for Aakash. And then there are instances wherein Rohit is shown to be very possessive about Shalini. In fact he even punches Aakash in the face once. But finally Aakash turns up on the Sangeet night before their marriage and proposes to Shalini in front of almost 300 people, who by the way have got nothing to do with the 300 men who fought for Sparta in the movie 300. Although now that I think of it, it would be pretty interesting to have those 300 people here, wouldn’t it? Anyways, let’s not deviate here. I must accept it though. It is really difficult to just swing around this notional concept of having those 300 men over here and not say a word about it. But I shall control my urge to make fun.
So now, back to where we were, Aakash proposes to Shalini in front of so many people. Rohit comes forward to punch Aakash again. But his father stops him. They take Shalini in a room and question her about her preferences. You know, stuff like ‘what sort of a guy you like and who’s her type’ and all that. And then they come out of the room. Rohit’s father plays the old game of making everyone think that he does not support Aakash and Shalini, and then finally in his last line, he asks her to marry Aakash after scolding her so much. And then Shalini hugs Aakash. Rohit is not happy. He comes forward to take Shalini forcibly. Aakash stops him and punches him in the face. He falls down. Aakash gives him a hand to get up. He gets up and leaves. All is well. Nicely done. Now I have one major question. What do you think about Rohit? Hate him? I am sure. But I think you should look at the story from his point of view before judging him. Here goes.
‘I fell in love with the girl who was brought up by my own parents as if their own daughter. I liked her a lot. She was very pretty and bubbly. I just wanted to spend my life with her. But there was this guy who was after her. And she too sort of acted as if she liked him a little bit. But she never told me that she doesn’t want to be with me. So I started getting frustrated and became more and more possessive day by day. Finally it was one day before my marriage. Almost 300 guests were there (Oh come on! Could we just stick to ‘many guests’ rather than that number? It’s becoming more difficult for me to control). All the guests were my friends, relatives, etc. They all respected me. Then Aakash turns up and proposes to MY girl in MY wedding in front of MY guests. I get mad and want to hit him. MY father stops me. MY father, MY mother, MY girl go and talk inside MY house. They all come out. MY father decides to marry off MY girl to MY competitor. And this decision is made in MY marriage in front of all MY guests. So I get mad. I want to hit Aakash. MY face gets punched by Aakash. MY father sits quiet. MY guests are just watching. I fall down on MY ground. I take Aakash’s hand and get up and then walk away. Just walk away. Leaving MY girl behind in MY enemy’s hands in MY own marriage and MY own parents on his side.’
This is my point. I feel sorry for him more than hatred or anger. And those who still don’t feel sorry for him, it’s about time you buy yourself a heart. And guess what the worst part is. After going through so much, he doesn’t even get to be the lead actor. I mean this guy’s life is sad man. Totally sad. He just got insulted in front of three....so many people. Please let’s not say the number. I am working really hard to suppress my urges here.
But this was not my main story by the way. My main story was about this guy who was in the theatre. I don’t know where he was sitting. His cell phone started ringing in the middle of the movie. And I was like totally angered by it. But then I gave him the benefit of one mistake. He might have forgotten to put it in silent mode. But I was wrong. This guy does not switch off his cell phone or turn it to silent mode. He receives the call. Okay, I say. Maybe an emergency. Maybe somebody is waiting outside or something like that. But no. He is simply talking to his friend about organizing a party. And that was the limit. He was like ‘Thursday? Thursday’s good? Oh yeah, her exams are getting over on Thursday right? Yeah yeah. Yeah I am bringing the food. We have a few more burgers added right? Yeah sure. What are you going to do with that repair work in your house? Really? Great man. Now we got all the time we want. Friday? No man Friday’s not good for me. I got new movies to watch man. You know me. Always catching the first shows. Sunday is good. Sid is coming? What time? That’s too early man. We gotta chill at night man .Not on Sunday. We have an entire free week after that. Yeah. You didn’t know? Classes postponed right? So when do we have it? God it’s tough.’
And then suddenly someone from somewhere else in the hall shouts ,
’HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOR GOD’S SAKE’.
And then someone else somewhere else in the hall goes like ‘Hey I am not free on Monday. I gotta rewatch this movie’. There were a few laughs among the crowd here and there. And then the comments started coming in. All making fun of the guy talking on phone. Pretty funny comments. And then I thought, maybe I should put in my own comment. A funny one. I have got to think of one. After all comedy is what I do for a living. So I seize my moment and shout out
‘Even we have phones you know?’
Silence. Stunned silence. Nobody laughs. Nobody chuckles. Nobody sneezes. Although I bet I heard a popcorn crunch. And then another guy goes ‘That was sad man. You gotta work on that!’ And then more started pouring in.
‘Yeah man. That was sad. Real sad.’
‘You could get a job to talk at funerals man.’
‘Did I miss something? Sorry I had slept off because of the immense boredom of that comment.’
‘I like the phone guy better now.’
‘We hate you. Show yourself.’
‘I feel like walking out right now. I mean the movie is awesome. But I bet I almost walked out.’
It was so embarrassing. I was just thankful that nobody knew that it was me, the guy who earns a living out of making jokes.
It was a sad day for me. But I didn’t get demoralised. I took inspiration from Rohit. I mean, what was my insult compared to his insult? Here, not a single person knew it was me. There, all 300 of them knew that it was him. Yes I know I know. I am controlling it. It’s really hard. 300 warriors present in the wedding (rather, the Sangeet). Oh what the hell? Who am I kidding? I can’t hold it in anymore.
‘(The leader shouting)SPAAAAARTAAAA. WHO ARE WE WITH?’
‘(chorus) HOO.... HOO.....’
‘(The leader again)SPAAAAAARTAAA. THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHO ARE WE SUPPORTING?’
‘(chorus) HOO....HOO....’
‘(Leader, pained now) You know what? Just go ahead and kill whoever comes first. We will say we were supporting the other guy.’”
He took a bow and left. They all started applauding. It was routine. They ate their food and left. Many of them would come back for his next act soon.
PS : No offence to Dil Chahta Hai or 300. Both are classics. Do watch them if you haven’t.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sarcastic Exaggeration
Here are a few important guidelines for aspiring city-dwellers as far as movement within a crowded city is concerned.
Guidelines for new drivers in the city :
1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.
2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.
3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.
4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.
5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.
6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.
7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.
8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.
9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.
10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.
11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.
12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!
Guidelines for pedestrians :
1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.
2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.
3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.
4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!
5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!
Guidelines for bikers :
1)Always overtake from the left side.
2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.
3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.
4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.
5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.
6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!
P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.
Guidelines for new drivers in the city :
1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.
2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.
3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.
4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.
5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.
6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.
7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.
8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.
9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.
10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.
11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.
12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!
Guidelines for pedestrians :
1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.
2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.
3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.
4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!
5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!
Guidelines for bikers :
1)Always overtake from the left side.
2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.
3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.
4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.
5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.
6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!
P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)