“What’s the deal with all comedians starting their act with ‘what’s the deal with.....’? They all have a fixed set of sentences. They all go like ‘what’s the deal with this. What’s the deal with that? Last time I checked, two thousand was a big number.’ And they all laugh about it. I don’t get it. I seriously don’t. I mean where the hell do you get to check if thousand is a big number or not? And even if there is such a place, didn’t you know it already that thousand is a pretty big number? I would say half of the people laughing out so loud are laughing at their stupidity more than their jokes.
Anyways, I just wanted to know how come all these comedians come up with the same sort of lines and the same kind of style. I mean, is there something like a meeting held by you guys somewhere in private? Or is there something like a Bible or an encyclopaedia that you guys follow? If there are such things, why am I not aware of them? After all I too am a comedian. Maybe not a big shot. But surely I have class. I wouldn’t be cracking up so many people in the same restaurant for five years otherwise. Some of them have even turned up for the same act twice. So either I am a good comedian or those people have really got nothing else to do with their lives. I want to remove the second option but then looking at the number of beer glasses per table, I have a feeling that I am sort of right to assume that it’s really not me. It’s their lives.
Anyways, did I tell you guys about the movie that I went for the other day? Well, for those who have already come here once before this week, I guess I have told you. But I don’t think it would do us harm to hear it again, would it? And besides, I don’t have anything else to talk about. So unless a fool amongst you stands up to me and says ‘That’s it jerk. You are so damn repetitive. Even I could do better than this’, I shall stand my ground, and continue talking.
So I go to the theatre. The movie’s awesome. Dil Chahta Hai. I bet most of you here like it. Now we can easily answer questions like my favourite character is him or her or whatever. But I got an important question. What do you guys have to say about Rohit? Okay I guess not many of you know remember him. Let me remind you. Rohit is the guy whose parents took care of Shalini since her childhood after her parents passed away. Rohit falls in love with Shalini and decides to marry her. But Shalini has fallen for Aakash. And then there are instances wherein Rohit is shown to be very possessive about Shalini. In fact he even punches Aakash in the face once. But finally Aakash turns up on the Sangeet night before their marriage and proposes to Shalini in front of almost 300 people, who by the way have got nothing to do with the 300 men who fought for Sparta in the movie 300. Although now that I think of it, it would be pretty interesting to have those 300 people here, wouldn’t it? Anyways, let’s not deviate here. I must accept it though. It is really difficult to just swing around this notional concept of having those 300 men over here and not say a word about it. But I shall control my urge to make fun.
So now, back to where we were, Aakash proposes to Shalini in front of so many people. Rohit comes forward to punch Aakash again. But his father stops him. They take Shalini in a room and question her about her preferences. You know, stuff like ‘what sort of a guy you like and who’s her type’ and all that. And then they come out of the room. Rohit’s father plays the old game of making everyone think that he does not support Aakash and Shalini, and then finally in his last line, he asks her to marry Aakash after scolding her so much. And then Shalini hugs Aakash. Rohit is not happy. He comes forward to take Shalini forcibly. Aakash stops him and punches him in the face. He falls down. Aakash gives him a hand to get up. He gets up and leaves. All is well. Nicely done. Now I have one major question. What do you think about Rohit? Hate him? I am sure. But I think you should look at the story from his point of view before judging him. Here goes.
‘I fell in love with the girl who was brought up by my own parents as if their own daughter. I liked her a lot. She was very pretty and bubbly. I just wanted to spend my life with her. But there was this guy who was after her. And she too sort of acted as if she liked him a little bit. But she never told me that she doesn’t want to be with me. So I started getting frustrated and became more and more possessive day by day. Finally it was one day before my marriage. Almost 300 guests were there (Oh come on! Could we just stick to ‘many guests’ rather than that number? It’s becoming more difficult for me to control). All the guests were my friends, relatives, etc. They all respected me. Then Aakash turns up and proposes to MY girl in MY wedding in front of MY guests. I get mad and want to hit him. MY father stops me. MY father, MY mother, MY girl go and talk inside MY house. They all come out. MY father decides to marry off MY girl to MY competitor. And this decision is made in MY marriage in front of all MY guests. So I get mad. I want to hit Aakash. MY face gets punched by Aakash. MY father sits quiet. MY guests are just watching. I fall down on MY ground. I take Aakash’s hand and get up and then walk away. Just walk away. Leaving MY girl behind in MY enemy’s hands in MY own marriage and MY own parents on his side.’
This is my point. I feel sorry for him more than hatred or anger. And those who still don’t feel sorry for him, it’s about time you buy yourself a heart. And guess what the worst part is. After going through so much, he doesn’t even get to be the lead actor. I mean this guy’s life is sad man. Totally sad. He just got insulted in front of three....so many people. Please let’s not say the number. I am working really hard to suppress my urges here.
But this was not my main story by the way. My main story was about this guy who was in the theatre. I don’t know where he was sitting. His cell phone started ringing in the middle of the movie. And I was like totally angered by it. But then I gave him the benefit of one mistake. He might have forgotten to put it in silent mode. But I was wrong. This guy does not switch off his cell phone or turn it to silent mode. He receives the call. Okay, I say. Maybe an emergency. Maybe somebody is waiting outside or something like that. But no. He is simply talking to his friend about organizing a party. And that was the limit. He was like ‘Thursday? Thursday’s good? Oh yeah, her exams are getting over on Thursday right? Yeah yeah. Yeah I am bringing the food. We have a few more burgers added right? Yeah sure. What are you going to do with that repair work in your house? Really? Great man. Now we got all the time we want. Friday? No man Friday’s not good for me. I got new movies to watch man. You know me. Always catching the first shows. Sunday is good. Sid is coming? What time? That’s too early man. We gotta chill at night man .Not on Sunday. We have an entire free week after that. Yeah. You didn’t know? Classes postponed right? So when do we have it? God it’s tough.’
And then suddenly someone from somewhere else in the hall shouts ,
’HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOR GOD’S SAKE’.
And then someone else somewhere else in the hall goes like ‘Hey I am not free on Monday. I gotta rewatch this movie’. There were a few laughs among the crowd here and there. And then the comments started coming in. All making fun of the guy talking on phone. Pretty funny comments. And then I thought, maybe I should put in my own comment. A funny one. I have got to think of one. After all comedy is what I do for a living. So I seize my moment and shout out
‘Even we have phones you know?’
Silence. Stunned silence. Nobody laughs. Nobody chuckles. Nobody sneezes. Although I bet I heard a popcorn crunch. And then another guy goes ‘That was sad man. You gotta work on that!’ And then more started pouring in.
‘Yeah man. That was sad. Real sad.’
‘You could get a job to talk at funerals man.’
‘Did I miss something? Sorry I had slept off because of the immense boredom of that comment.’
‘I like the phone guy better now.’
‘We hate you. Show yourself.’
‘I feel like walking out right now. I mean the movie is awesome. But I bet I almost walked out.’
It was so embarrassing. I was just thankful that nobody knew that it was me, the guy who earns a living out of making jokes.
It was a sad day for me. But I didn’t get demoralised. I took inspiration from Rohit. I mean, what was my insult compared to his insult? Here, not a single person knew it was me. There, all 300 of them knew that it was him. Yes I know I know. I am controlling it. It’s really hard. 300 warriors present in the wedding (rather, the Sangeet). Oh what the hell? Who am I kidding? I can’t hold it in anymore.
‘(The leader shouting)SPAAAAARTAAAA. WHO ARE WE WITH?’
‘(chorus) HOO.... HOO.....’
‘(The leader again)SPAAAAAARTAAA. THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHO ARE WE SUPPORTING?’
‘(chorus) HOO....HOO....’
‘(Leader, pained now) You know what? Just go ahead and kill whoever comes first. We will say we were supporting the other guy.’”
He took a bow and left. They all started applauding. It was routine. They ate their food and left. Many of them would come back for his next act soon.
PS : No offence to Dil Chahta Hai or 300. Both are classics. Do watch them if you haven’t.
About Me
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sarcastic Exaggeration
Here are a few important guidelines for aspiring city-dwellers as far as movement within a crowded city is concerned.
Guidelines for new drivers in the city :
1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.
2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.
3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.
4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.
5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.
6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.
7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.
8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.
9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.
10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.
11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.
12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!
Guidelines for pedestrians :
1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.
2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.
3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.
4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!
5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!
Guidelines for bikers :
1)Always overtake from the left side.
2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.
3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.
4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.
5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.
6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!
P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.
Guidelines for new drivers in the city :
1)Avoid mercy. Kill all that comes in the way.
2)When the guy in front of you uses a dipper, he is actually challenging you for a head on collision.
3)Drive slowly in a human locality. Humans are dumb. But if a dog is on the road, drive as fast as you can. The dog is obviously more intelligent than humans and will move for sure.
4)Stop blowing the horn only when gorillas learn to speak English.
5)When in minor accidents, remember one principle which governs the world of roads : IT IS ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY’S FAULT, no matter what.
6)Never wear the seat belt. It makes it difficult to get out of the car and fight when it comes to minor accidents.
7)Green light => Go all the way to the other end.
Red light => Go halfway to the other end.
Yellow light => Go to the other end as fast as you can.
A blinking yellow light => A green light.
8)Give the scariest look to the guy who was driving slowly and thus blocking you while overtaking him.
9)Bike drivers are minor creatures. It is an insult to be overtaken from the right by a bike. Exploit this point to set traps for them.
10)Lanes are meant for aeroplanes in case they decide to land on the road.
11)Never park in a parking. Your car might get stolen. Always park there where it has no chance of getting stolen. For example : The middle of the road.
12)In case you do park in the parking, try to maximize the number of people who cannot move their vehicles because of the way your car is parked in the parking. After all, success is determined by the number of people who depend on you!
Guidelines for pedestrians :
1)Look left and right before crossing the road so that you will be sure to cross only when there is a vehicle coming.
2)The best way to ensure safety while crossing the road is to dodge vehicles.
3)Crossing a road consists of the following steps :
a) Wait for a fast vehicle to come near.
b) Pretend as if you are going to cross by just putting your leg ahead and then take it back.
c) If the car is still coming fast, cross the road at the last moment.
d) If the car slows down after step b, go to step a.
4) In case there are no vehicles on the road, go to some other road where there are more vehicles and then cross it!
5)When you witness an accident, run to the victim and stare at him for as long as you can. Your vision has healing power!
Guidelines for bikers :
1)Always overtake from the left side.
2)In case you get an opportunity to overtake from the right side, don’t take it. It might be a trap.
3)Always maintain the least distance between your bike and the car that you are overtaking. Your success is directly proportional to the heart-beat frequency of the car driver.
4)Always tilt the bike extremely while turning, especially when there is water on the road. The water cleans the insides of your bike.
5)In case you find a friend on a bike going in the same direction as you are, drive side by side in the middle of the road. And don’t be disheartened by vehicles blowing the horn behind you.
They are just fools who think they own the road.
6)Never wear a helmet. Your brain doesn’t function properly anyways!
P.S : This post could also have been titled ‘Exaggerated Sarcasm’.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Whisperer irritating.....
I once attended a class. It was a very innovative concept. I can’t describe it much. Because I couldn’t listen to everything that was going on. Because obviously the whisperer was present. We were all audience to a group of people who were taking the class for some time now. It was a promotional exercise conducted by the class management to get more people to join it. The whisperer seemed to be brought to the demonstration forcibly. It was clear that he thought that the concept was foolish.
Teacher : We have all heard that to be successful in life, you should (not attend such classes) take over your weaknesses. You should convert them into your strengths. Today’s class is going to help us learn to do that (A class to ‘help’ us learn? More like a class to ‘make’ us learn). Now, it is a pretty simple thing that we are going to do today (raise our left foot as high as we can?). To summarize it, we are going to listen to one weakness that each person in this class has. And we are going to suggest to that person ways in which he or she could convert them into a strength (What? You got to be kidding me). Let me give you an example (It’s like explaining your joke. Feels bad, doesn’t it?). Rakesh here has a weakness of forgetting things very fast (what was his name?). We all know how difficult it is to get him to remember when and where our next class is going to be (Oh! I wish I were Rakesh). So for his example, I might suggest a method to convert this into a strength. What Rakesh has is a gift (from?). A gift from God himself (Oh I doubt that lady). To use it properly, Rakesh must gain control over this weakness and he can then use it to forget only those things that he wants to forget (like his wife’s birthday). Say for example somebody hurting his feelings. We all know holding a grudge does us no good (it does to me). Rakesh can make it very easy for himself to not hold a grudge against anyone. Because he simply won’t remember the pain that person caused. Do you agree with me Rakesh?
Rakesh : Totally madam (hey! He remembered that she was a lady)
Teacher : So class, let’s begin to conquer our weaknesses (by running out of this room?). Starting from you Riya. What do you think is your greatest weakness?
Riya : Okay. I don’t know which one to say (oh come on. Spill it already). But I think my problem is that I am too self-conscious (of course you are. You are a girl!). I give a lot of importance to myself. I tend to get a little shaky in parties assuming that everyone is simply observing me (Shaky? So that’s why they say you dance so well?). Yeah. That’s it. That’s my greatest weakness.
Teacher : Very good Riya. It takes immense courage to acknowledge your weakness. And you have just demonstrated it. So class, can anyone come up with a solution to that now? Yes Sagar.
Sagar : What I think is our friend should start writing articles (could we talk about Riya rather than your friend) and short stories or maybe even a novel (going too far little boy). And she could do this in the first person. Everybody likes to read stuff that is in first person (as long as that ‘stuff’ is not a book). She will be able to describe her feelings really well because she knows quite a lot about them (apparently, that is the only thing she knows!). What Riya can write is something all of us think about us from within but are not able to put it in words. I think Riya can do it quite well.
Teacher : Excellent Sagar (Bravo Sagar). There you go Riya. Sagar just opened up a world of choices for you (now it’s your job to close it). You can start writing (What are you waiting for? The main character to form in your mind?). Okay let’s take the next person (and throw him out of the window into the garbage pit before he comes up with a stupid weakness). Tell us your weakness Sameer.
Sameer : Uh. Let me think. I am trying to come up with something that is really weak in me. Can I think for some more time? (I got it. He is slow in his mind. Maybe he should be a listener. That’s a great job. Doesn’t pay much though!)
Teacher : Sure Sameer. We will take Gautam in the meantime (open the window guys). Yes Gautam, you seem to be wanting to tell something really badly (or maybe he just wants to use the bathroom).
Gautam : I want to tell my weakness. My weakness is my anger (woah! Careful people). My loved ones keep telling me that I do the meanest things when I am angry (‘Loved ones’ seems to be a misnomer then). There was this time when I once threw a plate full of food out of the window because my wife had not cooked it like I wanted her to (I kinda like the Hulk more now). I don’t even remember doing this in my anger (maybe it was a dream. But then I guess yours came true!). But now that I look back, I feel like a moron for being so angry at her (Oh come on. You could do worse. Like shooting her in the eye with a bullet that you yourself make sharp by rubbing it on a knife’s edge which can be a backup in case she lives).
Teacher : That is very mature of you to accept it Gautam (In short, we agree with you that you are a moron). Other than the fact that you have realised your mistake now, I think this class will provide you with more suggestions on ways to control it (How about buying plates that are nailed to the table?). Okay then. Who has the solution? You can speak Jasmine (flowers don’t speak. Oh. Okay. Got it. My bad)
Jasmine : I think Gautam can be very good in the army. He can learn to control his anger and direct it in the right direction (yeah right. Next thing we know might be that he blew up our entire army over an argument about who is stronger : Superman or a battle tank?)
Teacher: That is a very innovative suggestion Jasmine. There you go Gautam. You can always be an army man (yeah. You have to just give a test and run like a dog on the ground for five years). Okay we have one more solution from Dilip. You can speak Dilip.
Dilip : Well I think anger is something that can’t really be controlled. I think
anger has to be destroyed. I think Gautam should go for anger management course (seems like the plate belonged to Dilip!)
Teacher : It is a person to person case really. This class is not meant to discuss each person’s private life (Oh thank God). We should provide them with options that they can choose. That was very kind of you Dilip to try and help Gautam (But who is going to help Dilip now?). Okay I think David has a weakness now. You can speak David.
David : I tend to take a lot of tension (What? Really? That is terrible? Will you be alright? Please talk to me. Loser!). Even small things make me very tense. Small things like a punctured tyre, some undone business, some disagreement (some new species of bird discovered?). It could be anything. I just worry a lot about it.
Teacher : That is a very common problem in our country David (sad). And we wonder why there are so many BP patients in our country (so we have finally figured out the reason. Now let’s figure out the cure). Okay. So has anyone come up with a solution? Yes Rohit. Please speak.
Rohit : He can take up a job which requires minute attention (like observing a dog hiding his bone?). Say for example he could be an inspector in a car-making industry (I think those jobs are already taken). Or any other industry which requires attention to detail (tell me one industry which does not!). Because it seems he won’t take deviations from standard values lightly. He will be very tensed about them. That’s what companies are looking for (yeah right. People who go berserk if one product has failed in an inspection)
Teacher : Very good Rohit. That was a very nice suggestion. Hope it helps David in some way (maybe he can calibrate his ears with the sound levels coming out of Rohit’s mouth). Okay. Sameer seems to have finally come up with something (Finally!). Please speak Sameer (For God’s sake Sameer, please speak now).
Sameer : I think my problem is that I am more of a words man than an action man (how precise!). My weakness is that I am full of words but my actions are not even close to what I say. I hope you get what I am trying to say (we are not fools now, Sameer)
Teacher : Definitely Sameer. And I think somebody already has a solution for you. You can speak Jasmine (I think he should be a sales executive).
Jasmine : He can be a manager or a sales executive (Huh? Am I that loud? I need to calibrate my sound levels myself)
Teacher : That was really funny and enlightening at the same time Jasmine (Thank you). Rakesh, you can speak (Was that a question or an order?).
Rakesh : (Isn’t he the guy with amnesia?) I think Sameer should be in the entertainment business. Like an actor or something. I think he will do good there (And I was expecting him to say ‘Where are we?’)
Teacher : Good one Rakesh (We will remember that. Unlike you). There you go Sameer. You have two options now. Okay class. I think that is all for this exercise. I hope you got the gist of it. We will be having this exercise once every week (why is everything bad called ‘exercise’?). Next week I want all of you to come with written weaknesses (That’s a good business for the paper industry). That will make this more organised (We can then call it ‘organised foolishness’). That is all for now class. We will meet next week. I will mail you the timings. Thank you. (Who is going to bring Rakesh?)
The whisperer seems to be losing his touch now. But then who cares? I never liked him anyways (That’s what they keep telling themselves on and on. Love me or hate me. But you cannot go without thinking about me)
Teacher : We have all heard that to be successful in life, you should (not attend such classes) take over your weaknesses. You should convert them into your strengths. Today’s class is going to help us learn to do that (A class to ‘help’ us learn? More like a class to ‘make’ us learn). Now, it is a pretty simple thing that we are going to do today (raise our left foot as high as we can?). To summarize it, we are going to listen to one weakness that each person in this class has. And we are going to suggest to that person ways in which he or she could convert them into a strength (What? You got to be kidding me). Let me give you an example (It’s like explaining your joke. Feels bad, doesn’t it?). Rakesh here has a weakness of forgetting things very fast (what was his name?). We all know how difficult it is to get him to remember when and where our next class is going to be (Oh! I wish I were Rakesh). So for his example, I might suggest a method to convert this into a strength. What Rakesh has is a gift (from?). A gift from God himself (Oh I doubt that lady). To use it properly, Rakesh must gain control over this weakness and he can then use it to forget only those things that he wants to forget (like his wife’s birthday). Say for example somebody hurting his feelings. We all know holding a grudge does us no good (it does to me). Rakesh can make it very easy for himself to not hold a grudge against anyone. Because he simply won’t remember the pain that person caused. Do you agree with me Rakesh?
Rakesh : Totally madam (hey! He remembered that she was a lady)
Teacher : So class, let’s begin to conquer our weaknesses (by running out of this room?). Starting from you Riya. What do you think is your greatest weakness?
Riya : Okay. I don’t know which one to say (oh come on. Spill it already). But I think my problem is that I am too self-conscious (of course you are. You are a girl!). I give a lot of importance to myself. I tend to get a little shaky in parties assuming that everyone is simply observing me (Shaky? So that’s why they say you dance so well?). Yeah. That’s it. That’s my greatest weakness.
Teacher : Very good Riya. It takes immense courage to acknowledge your weakness. And you have just demonstrated it. So class, can anyone come up with a solution to that now? Yes Sagar.
Sagar : What I think is our friend should start writing articles (could we talk about Riya rather than your friend) and short stories or maybe even a novel (going too far little boy). And she could do this in the first person. Everybody likes to read stuff that is in first person (as long as that ‘stuff’ is not a book). She will be able to describe her feelings really well because she knows quite a lot about them (apparently, that is the only thing she knows!). What Riya can write is something all of us think about us from within but are not able to put it in words. I think Riya can do it quite well.
Teacher : Excellent Sagar (Bravo Sagar). There you go Riya. Sagar just opened up a world of choices for you (now it’s your job to close it). You can start writing (What are you waiting for? The main character to form in your mind?). Okay let’s take the next person (and throw him out of the window into the garbage pit before he comes up with a stupid weakness). Tell us your weakness Sameer.
Sameer : Uh. Let me think. I am trying to come up with something that is really weak in me. Can I think for some more time? (I got it. He is slow in his mind. Maybe he should be a listener. That’s a great job. Doesn’t pay much though!)
Teacher : Sure Sameer. We will take Gautam in the meantime (open the window guys). Yes Gautam, you seem to be wanting to tell something really badly (or maybe he just wants to use the bathroom).
Gautam : I want to tell my weakness. My weakness is my anger (woah! Careful people). My loved ones keep telling me that I do the meanest things when I am angry (‘Loved ones’ seems to be a misnomer then). There was this time when I once threw a plate full of food out of the window because my wife had not cooked it like I wanted her to (I kinda like the Hulk more now). I don’t even remember doing this in my anger (maybe it was a dream. But then I guess yours came true!). But now that I look back, I feel like a moron for being so angry at her (Oh come on. You could do worse. Like shooting her in the eye with a bullet that you yourself make sharp by rubbing it on a knife’s edge which can be a backup in case she lives).
Teacher : That is very mature of you to accept it Gautam (In short, we agree with you that you are a moron). Other than the fact that you have realised your mistake now, I think this class will provide you with more suggestions on ways to control it (How about buying plates that are nailed to the table?). Okay then. Who has the solution? You can speak Jasmine (flowers don’t speak. Oh. Okay. Got it. My bad)
Jasmine : I think Gautam can be very good in the army. He can learn to control his anger and direct it in the right direction (yeah right. Next thing we know might be that he blew up our entire army over an argument about who is stronger : Superman or a battle tank?)
Teacher: That is a very innovative suggestion Jasmine. There you go Gautam. You can always be an army man (yeah. You have to just give a test and run like a dog on the ground for five years). Okay we have one more solution from Dilip. You can speak Dilip.
Dilip : Well I think anger is something that can’t really be controlled. I think
anger has to be destroyed. I think Gautam should go for anger management course (seems like the plate belonged to Dilip!)
Teacher : It is a person to person case really. This class is not meant to discuss each person’s private life (Oh thank God). We should provide them with options that they can choose. That was very kind of you Dilip to try and help Gautam (But who is going to help Dilip now?). Okay I think David has a weakness now. You can speak David.
David : I tend to take a lot of tension (What? Really? That is terrible? Will you be alright? Please talk to me. Loser!). Even small things make me very tense. Small things like a punctured tyre, some undone business, some disagreement (some new species of bird discovered?). It could be anything. I just worry a lot about it.
Teacher : That is a very common problem in our country David (sad). And we wonder why there are so many BP patients in our country (so we have finally figured out the reason. Now let’s figure out the cure). Okay. So has anyone come up with a solution? Yes Rohit. Please speak.
Rohit : He can take up a job which requires minute attention (like observing a dog hiding his bone?). Say for example he could be an inspector in a car-making industry (I think those jobs are already taken). Or any other industry which requires attention to detail (tell me one industry which does not!). Because it seems he won’t take deviations from standard values lightly. He will be very tensed about them. That’s what companies are looking for (yeah right. People who go berserk if one product has failed in an inspection)
Teacher : Very good Rohit. That was a very nice suggestion. Hope it helps David in some way (maybe he can calibrate his ears with the sound levels coming out of Rohit’s mouth). Okay. Sameer seems to have finally come up with something (Finally!). Please speak Sameer (For God’s sake Sameer, please speak now).
Sameer : I think my problem is that I am more of a words man than an action man (how precise!). My weakness is that I am full of words but my actions are not even close to what I say. I hope you get what I am trying to say (we are not fools now, Sameer)
Teacher : Definitely Sameer. And I think somebody already has a solution for you. You can speak Jasmine (I think he should be a sales executive).
Jasmine : He can be a manager or a sales executive (Huh? Am I that loud? I need to calibrate my sound levels myself)
Teacher : That was really funny and enlightening at the same time Jasmine (Thank you). Rakesh, you can speak (Was that a question or an order?).
Rakesh : (Isn’t he the guy with amnesia?) I think Sameer should be in the entertainment business. Like an actor or something. I think he will do good there (And I was expecting him to say ‘Where are we?’)
Teacher : Good one Rakesh (We will remember that. Unlike you). There you go Sameer. You have two options now. Okay class. I think that is all for this exercise. I hope you got the gist of it. We will be having this exercise once every week (why is everything bad called ‘exercise’?). Next week I want all of you to come with written weaknesses (That’s a good business for the paper industry). That will make this more organised (We can then call it ‘organised foolishness’). That is all for now class. We will meet next week. I will mail you the timings. Thank you. (Who is going to bring Rakesh?)
The whisperer seems to be losing his touch now. But then who cares? I never liked him anyways (That’s what they keep telling themselves on and on. Love me or hate me. But you cannot go without thinking about me)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Television
There is so much humour around all of us. Most of it is contained in a 14 inch box set on a top of a table in almost all houses. The box has everything in it. It makes people laugh sometimes and it makes them cry sometimes. There are always people who laugh even when the box intends to make them cry but then that is a problem with those people. Let’s not go into the details of those pathethic feelingless morons. Then there are times when the box makes wars that last for a lifetime.Wars for gaining control of the box using a smaller box. Wars between siblings, parent and child, parent and parent, child and child’s leaky friend from the neighbourhood and many more. The smaller box has to go through all sorts of hands : fair, dark, big, small, medium,hairy, very hairy, more hairy, gorilla hairy, holy moly hairy. Whoever commands the smaller box commands the bigger box. Provided the enemy is lazy enough to not get up and walk to the bigger box and control it from there. But then that is a given most of the time. The box is also known to make peace though. Peace between people who want the same thing from the box.
But it isn’t a wonder that there is so much war over the box. The box is priceless. It has a lot to offer. The ding sound that comes when you switch the box on arguably excites a person as much as the lub dub of the heart of a dying patient excites a doctor. When the sound comes, the body falls. Onto the couch into the hole that is shaped like a human. And then the thumb controls the smaller box. The bigger box in the meantime goes from a cat chasing a mouse to an airplane bombing a ship to three people singing and dancing with girls around them to a man telling you news to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way. But it looks boring from the box’s point of view. All it sees is the guy scrolling the smaller box and at the same time looking around behind him and then again scrolling.
Then there are serials. When a person discovers something shocking in a serial, he is shown from all angles. His face comes in from the left first, then the right, then the top, then the bottom of the screen. I tried to figure out why they show it to us like that and it seems that they do it to give it a touch of reality, as in to make the viewers feel like this is happening for real. Yeah right! When we see a person shocked in real life, we turn our heads to the right and then to him and then to the left and then again to him and then we look down and then look at him and then we look up and then again at him. And all this at lightning speed. I would say that this would shock the person even more because our heads will just drop at his feet.
And then there are advertisements. Celebrities come in and tell you that they are good-looking because they use so and so cream. In other words, they are saying that you should also use this cream if you are not using it already. In other words, they are saying that if you are not using that cream, you are ugly. And you obviously are not using that cream because you don’t even know about the cream which is why you have been watching the advertisement till now. So finally, all they are saying is that you are ugly! And some creams even guarantee payback if you don’t see a difference in a few days. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that you are so ugly that even the cream can’t help you?
And then there are movies. I don’t even know where to start.
So I won’t start on them. Bye. Take care.
P.S: No offence to anything or anyone. I am rather expecting incentive from everyone mentioned for publicity. Except the leaky boy in the neighbourhood of course. He can have it for free. Just stay away.
But it isn’t a wonder that there is so much war over the box. The box is priceless. It has a lot to offer. The ding sound that comes when you switch the box on arguably excites a person as much as the lub dub of the heart of a dying patient excites a doctor. When the sound comes, the body falls. Onto the couch into the hole that is shaped like a human. And then the thumb controls the smaller box. The bigger box in the meantime goes from a cat chasing a mouse to an airplane bombing a ship to three people singing and dancing with girls around them to a man telling you news to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way. But it looks boring from the box’s point of view. All it sees is the guy scrolling the smaller box and at the same time looking around behind him and then again scrolling.
Then there are serials. When a person discovers something shocking in a serial, he is shown from all angles. His face comes in from the left first, then the right, then the top, then the bottom of the screen. I tried to figure out why they show it to us like that and it seems that they do it to give it a touch of reality, as in to make the viewers feel like this is happening for real. Yeah right! When we see a person shocked in real life, we turn our heads to the right and then to him and then to the left and then again to him and then we look down and then look at him and then we look up and then again at him. And all this at lightning speed. I would say that this would shock the person even more because our heads will just drop at his feet.
And then there are advertisements. Celebrities come in and tell you that they are good-looking because they use so and so cream. In other words, they are saying that you should also use this cream if you are not using it already. In other words, they are saying that if you are not using that cream, you are ugly. And you obviously are not using that cream because you don’t even know about the cream which is why you have been watching the advertisement till now. So finally, all they are saying is that you are ugly! And some creams even guarantee payback if you don’t see a difference in a few days. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that you are so ugly that even the cream can’t help you?
And then there are movies. I don’t even know where to start.
So I won’t start on them. Bye. Take care.
P.S: No offence to anything or anyone. I am rather expecting incentive from everyone mentioned for publicity. Except the leaky boy in the neighbourhood of course. He can have it for free. Just stay away.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Big Day at Work.
Life was good. Everything was going on well. The business was going good. Money was pouring in. It always does in my business. An economic boost and a recession are terms that I have only heard of on the T.V while going through news channels. I just knew that the people were tight on money. I wasn’t even going through the news channels on purpose. I was just flipping through channels when I came across these terms. But who cared for such terms? My business was free of such ups and downs. That is an advantage of being a thief!
I won’t say I was the best. Little Nicky was known to be the best. But I think I was better than him. His size was always an advantage that he had. He was a little man. He could make it through windows which were left half open or any other such openings. I could not. What could I do? I was given this huge body by the almighty. It would have been very useful in the old times where there were no weapons and a man’s strength would be decided by the strength of his arms. But the situation now is different. You see trolls mastered by men who can be picked up by their hair.
Anyways, let me tell you about what happened to me. There was this house that I had to rob. The man living there was rich for sure. He had a nice car and I had never seen anybody else going in or coming out of his house. He was rich and alone, an ideal target for two kinds of people – a single girl and a thief. I obviously fall in the latter category. He did have many friends though. He would greet many people on his way to his parking and also at work. Yes I did follow him till there. I am a professional. I choose my targets very carefully. Again I can draw a comparison to a single girl stalking him. But she would be looking for any bad habits and other girls that the target is going out with. I, on the other hand, follow him just to know his schedule. But in the process I do end up finding his bad habits and his girlfriends too! But then I don’t care about them. I am a professional you see?
So I knew this person would not return home till ten on a Friday night. I had made the whole plan. His house was one of those row houses, royal enough for him to be called rich. All the houses in the row were alike. His lawn was properly maintained. It was very easy for me. Once it was dark, I would just walk to the main gate and then climb and jump on the other side on the lawn. Then I would run to the main door of the house. Now here is the catch. Here is the reason why I had chosen this house out of the row of similar looking houses. This man had just assumed that nobody was stalking him. And he used to keep his keys somewhere in the bushes besides his door. I had seen him do that secretly. And that is when I had decided that he was my man. Normally I can get through closed doors without keys. But that would make a little bit of noise. I had kept that as a backup plan.
Finally the day came. I had long awaited this day. My nose itched a lot since the morning. Going through my previous experience, it meant bad luck for me. The last time my nose itched, the house that I was robbing went all bong bong! There were alarms installed. I had managed a very close escape then. But then I am a professional. I didn’t believe in such blind beliefs. I went to my normal place from where I watched his house early morning, just to make sure he was leaving. And he did so. And he even hid the key in the bushes. He was looking more cheerful than ever though. And he was greeting more people than usual. I didn’t have time to notice this. Probably a big day at work. I kept telling myself these words. A big day at work. Not only for him, but for me too. I smiled, got up and left. I would come back later in the evening and clean his house, if you know what I mean! I was all ready and geared up. I dressed myself in casuals. Everything was well planned I believed. I took a suitcase and started walking towards the bus stop. I took a bus till a stop near his house. It was dark already. It was almost eight. I just needed fifteen minutes to clean his house. I hid myself in a shade of trees in the darkness. Only the moonlight was there. I opened the suitcase and took out my uniform. A black flexible outfit to cover the body and a mask to cover the face in case there were cameras. I changed very fast. In no time, I was on his lawn and running towards the main door with the jute racks that I had brought in the suitcase. I had left the suitcase in the cover of the trees.
While running, my nose started itching worse than ever. And that was the time when my heart spoke to me. It asked me to turn and that this could very well be my last chance. I didn’t listen. I was a professional. It was a big day. For him and me. For the hunter and the hunted. I kept on telling myself that till I finally reached the bushes. Without making any sound, I just moved my hand through it. And it hit something immediately. It was a wooden box. My estimate was very accurate. I opened the box slowly. And there it lay. Silver and shining in the moonlight, my pass to get through this main door, they key of the door! How foolish could the man get? I looked around. I saw nobody. It was very dark. Even if there was somebody, there was no way they could see me. I put the key into the keyhole and turned. My nose was scratching a lot. But I was too excited. Big day at work. On the other side of this door lay a treasure that would be mine forever. As usual, I opened the door very fast, sneaked inside and closed it as soon as I was inside. All this at lightning speed. It was dark inside too. But as soon as I turned, the lights went on and around a twenty people were standing there and all of them went like ‘Surpraaaaaaaaaise!’
I am ashamed of what I am about to say. I got scared for sure. Anybody would. But I was so shocked that my heart beat rate increased ten times and the only thing that came out of my mouth was ‘HOLY MOLY!’ I don’t know what that meant. In fact I don’t even remember my exact words. I just remember seeing the complex expressions of a few people. I also remember taking two steps near the sofa. But my heart beat had increased so much that I passed out! Me, the greatest thief, second only to Little Nicky, fainted in front of twenty people while doing my work on the biggest day of my life. I fainted! But the words kept on going on in my mind. Big day at work, for him and me. Big day at work, for him and me.
When I opened my eyes, I was here in jail as expected. Now they tell me that the jail doctor is going to diagnose me for my “illness”. My reputation is all ruined. Initially I was the thief who was the second best. Now I am the thief who fainted! I guess I am going to stay here for quite a long time now. I will keep writing about my incidents as a thief though. And other thieves’ stories too. There isn’t much to do around here. They do give me a pencil and a paper to write though. And food to eat too. Food that you might call disgusting. But I like the food here. It’s for free after all. And for the first time, I am eating something that I have earned! Not exactly earned. But you could say I didn’t steal this food. That is as good as earning. The doctor is here then. I should get myself checked then. And as for my tragic incident, I guess you already got the catch. It wasn’t a big day at his office for him. It was his birthday! See you again then. Bye.
I won’t say I was the best. Little Nicky was known to be the best. But I think I was better than him. His size was always an advantage that he had. He was a little man. He could make it through windows which were left half open or any other such openings. I could not. What could I do? I was given this huge body by the almighty. It would have been very useful in the old times where there were no weapons and a man’s strength would be decided by the strength of his arms. But the situation now is different. You see trolls mastered by men who can be picked up by their hair.
Anyways, let me tell you about what happened to me. There was this house that I had to rob. The man living there was rich for sure. He had a nice car and I had never seen anybody else going in or coming out of his house. He was rich and alone, an ideal target for two kinds of people – a single girl and a thief. I obviously fall in the latter category. He did have many friends though. He would greet many people on his way to his parking and also at work. Yes I did follow him till there. I am a professional. I choose my targets very carefully. Again I can draw a comparison to a single girl stalking him. But she would be looking for any bad habits and other girls that the target is going out with. I, on the other hand, follow him just to know his schedule. But in the process I do end up finding his bad habits and his girlfriends too! But then I don’t care about them. I am a professional you see?
So I knew this person would not return home till ten on a Friday night. I had made the whole plan. His house was one of those row houses, royal enough for him to be called rich. All the houses in the row were alike. His lawn was properly maintained. It was very easy for me. Once it was dark, I would just walk to the main gate and then climb and jump on the other side on the lawn. Then I would run to the main door of the house. Now here is the catch. Here is the reason why I had chosen this house out of the row of similar looking houses. This man had just assumed that nobody was stalking him. And he used to keep his keys somewhere in the bushes besides his door. I had seen him do that secretly. And that is when I had decided that he was my man. Normally I can get through closed doors without keys. But that would make a little bit of noise. I had kept that as a backup plan.
Finally the day came. I had long awaited this day. My nose itched a lot since the morning. Going through my previous experience, it meant bad luck for me. The last time my nose itched, the house that I was robbing went all bong bong! There were alarms installed. I had managed a very close escape then. But then I am a professional. I didn’t believe in such blind beliefs. I went to my normal place from where I watched his house early morning, just to make sure he was leaving. And he did so. And he even hid the key in the bushes. He was looking more cheerful than ever though. And he was greeting more people than usual. I didn’t have time to notice this. Probably a big day at work. I kept telling myself these words. A big day at work. Not only for him, but for me too. I smiled, got up and left. I would come back later in the evening and clean his house, if you know what I mean! I was all ready and geared up. I dressed myself in casuals. Everything was well planned I believed. I took a suitcase and started walking towards the bus stop. I took a bus till a stop near his house. It was dark already. It was almost eight. I just needed fifteen minutes to clean his house. I hid myself in a shade of trees in the darkness. Only the moonlight was there. I opened the suitcase and took out my uniform. A black flexible outfit to cover the body and a mask to cover the face in case there were cameras. I changed very fast. In no time, I was on his lawn and running towards the main door with the jute racks that I had brought in the suitcase. I had left the suitcase in the cover of the trees.
While running, my nose started itching worse than ever. And that was the time when my heart spoke to me. It asked me to turn and that this could very well be my last chance. I didn’t listen. I was a professional. It was a big day. For him and me. For the hunter and the hunted. I kept on telling myself that till I finally reached the bushes. Without making any sound, I just moved my hand through it. And it hit something immediately. It was a wooden box. My estimate was very accurate. I opened the box slowly. And there it lay. Silver and shining in the moonlight, my pass to get through this main door, they key of the door! How foolish could the man get? I looked around. I saw nobody. It was very dark. Even if there was somebody, there was no way they could see me. I put the key into the keyhole and turned. My nose was scratching a lot. But I was too excited. Big day at work. On the other side of this door lay a treasure that would be mine forever. As usual, I opened the door very fast, sneaked inside and closed it as soon as I was inside. All this at lightning speed. It was dark inside too. But as soon as I turned, the lights went on and around a twenty people were standing there and all of them went like ‘Surpraaaaaaaaaise!’
I am ashamed of what I am about to say. I got scared for sure. Anybody would. But I was so shocked that my heart beat rate increased ten times and the only thing that came out of my mouth was ‘HOLY MOLY!’ I don’t know what that meant. In fact I don’t even remember my exact words. I just remember seeing the complex expressions of a few people. I also remember taking two steps near the sofa. But my heart beat had increased so much that I passed out! Me, the greatest thief, second only to Little Nicky, fainted in front of twenty people while doing my work on the biggest day of my life. I fainted! But the words kept on going on in my mind. Big day at work, for him and me. Big day at work, for him and me.
When I opened my eyes, I was here in jail as expected. Now they tell me that the jail doctor is going to diagnose me for my “illness”. My reputation is all ruined. Initially I was the thief who was the second best. Now I am the thief who fainted! I guess I am going to stay here for quite a long time now. I will keep writing about my incidents as a thief though. And other thieves’ stories too. There isn’t much to do around here. They do give me a pencil and a paper to write though. And food to eat too. Food that you might call disgusting. But I like the food here. It’s for free after all. And for the first time, I am eating something that I have earned! Not exactly earned. But you could say I didn’t steal this food. That is as good as earning. The doctor is here then. I should get myself checked then. And as for my tragic incident, I guess you already got the catch. It wasn’t a big day at his office for him. It was his birthday! See you again then. Bye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)