There is so much humour around all of us. Most of it is contained in a 14 inch box set on a top of a table in almost all houses. The box has everything in it. It makes people laugh sometimes and it makes them cry sometimes. There are always people who laugh even when the box intends to make them cry but then that is a problem with those people. Let’s not go into the details of those pathethic feelingless morons. Then there are times when the box makes wars that last for a lifetime.Wars for gaining control of the box using a smaller box. Wars between siblings, parent and child, parent and parent, child and child’s leaky friend from the neighbourhood and many more. The smaller box has to go through all sorts of hands : fair, dark, big, small, medium,hairy, very hairy, more hairy, gorilla hairy, holy moly hairy. Whoever commands the smaller box commands the bigger box. Provided the enemy is lazy enough to not get up and walk to the bigger box and control it from there. But then that is a given most of the time. The box is also known to make peace though. Peace between people who want the same thing from the box.
But it isn’t a wonder that there is so much war over the box. The box is priceless. It has a lot to offer. The ding sound that comes when you switch the box on arguably excites a person as much as the lub dub of the heart of a dying patient excites a doctor. When the sound comes, the body falls. Onto the couch into the hole that is shaped like a human. And then the thumb controls the smaller box. The bigger box in the meantime goes from a cat chasing a mouse to an airplane bombing a ship to three people singing and dancing with girls around them to a man telling you news to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way to a host asking a man some questions to a woman walking towards you in a weird way. But it looks boring from the box’s point of view. All it sees is the guy scrolling the smaller box and at the same time looking around behind him and then again scrolling.
Then there are serials. When a person discovers something shocking in a serial, he is shown from all angles. His face comes in from the left first, then the right, then the top, then the bottom of the screen. I tried to figure out why they show it to us like that and it seems that they do it to give it a touch of reality, as in to make the viewers feel like this is happening for real. Yeah right! When we see a person shocked in real life, we turn our heads to the right and then to him and then to the left and then again to him and then we look down and then look at him and then we look up and then again at him. And all this at lightning speed. I would say that this would shock the person even more because our heads will just drop at his feet.
And then there are advertisements. Celebrities come in and tell you that they are good-looking because they use so and so cream. In other words, they are saying that you should also use this cream if you are not using it already. In other words, they are saying that if you are not using that cream, you are ugly. And you obviously are not using that cream because you don’t even know about the cream which is why you have been watching the advertisement till now. So finally, all they are saying is that you are ugly! And some creams even guarantee payback if you don’t see a difference in a few days. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that you are so ugly that even the cream can’t help you?
And then there are movies. I don’t even know where to start.
So I won’t start on them. Bye. Take care.
P.S: No offence to anything or anyone. I am rather expecting incentive from everyone mentioned for publicity. Except the leaky boy in the neighbourhood of course. He can have it for free. Just stay away.
About Me
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Big Day at Work.
Life was good. Everything was going on well. The business was going good. Money was pouring in. It always does in my business. An economic boost and a recession are terms that I have only heard of on the T.V while going through news channels. I just knew that the people were tight on money. I wasn’t even going through the news channels on purpose. I was just flipping through channels when I came across these terms. But who cared for such terms? My business was free of such ups and downs. That is an advantage of being a thief!
I won’t say I was the best. Little Nicky was known to be the best. But I think I was better than him. His size was always an advantage that he had. He was a little man. He could make it through windows which were left half open or any other such openings. I could not. What could I do? I was given this huge body by the almighty. It would have been very useful in the old times where there were no weapons and a man’s strength would be decided by the strength of his arms. But the situation now is different. You see trolls mastered by men who can be picked up by their hair.
Anyways, let me tell you about what happened to me. There was this house that I had to rob. The man living there was rich for sure. He had a nice car and I had never seen anybody else going in or coming out of his house. He was rich and alone, an ideal target for two kinds of people – a single girl and a thief. I obviously fall in the latter category. He did have many friends though. He would greet many people on his way to his parking and also at work. Yes I did follow him till there. I am a professional. I choose my targets very carefully. Again I can draw a comparison to a single girl stalking him. But she would be looking for any bad habits and other girls that the target is going out with. I, on the other hand, follow him just to know his schedule. But in the process I do end up finding his bad habits and his girlfriends too! But then I don’t care about them. I am a professional you see?
So I knew this person would not return home till ten on a Friday night. I had made the whole plan. His house was one of those row houses, royal enough for him to be called rich. All the houses in the row were alike. His lawn was properly maintained. It was very easy for me. Once it was dark, I would just walk to the main gate and then climb and jump on the other side on the lawn. Then I would run to the main door of the house. Now here is the catch. Here is the reason why I had chosen this house out of the row of similar looking houses. This man had just assumed that nobody was stalking him. And he used to keep his keys somewhere in the bushes besides his door. I had seen him do that secretly. And that is when I had decided that he was my man. Normally I can get through closed doors without keys. But that would make a little bit of noise. I had kept that as a backup plan.
Finally the day came. I had long awaited this day. My nose itched a lot since the morning. Going through my previous experience, it meant bad luck for me. The last time my nose itched, the house that I was robbing went all bong bong! There were alarms installed. I had managed a very close escape then. But then I am a professional. I didn’t believe in such blind beliefs. I went to my normal place from where I watched his house early morning, just to make sure he was leaving. And he did so. And he even hid the key in the bushes. He was looking more cheerful than ever though. And he was greeting more people than usual. I didn’t have time to notice this. Probably a big day at work. I kept telling myself these words. A big day at work. Not only for him, but for me too. I smiled, got up and left. I would come back later in the evening and clean his house, if you know what I mean! I was all ready and geared up. I dressed myself in casuals. Everything was well planned I believed. I took a suitcase and started walking towards the bus stop. I took a bus till a stop near his house. It was dark already. It was almost eight. I just needed fifteen minutes to clean his house. I hid myself in a shade of trees in the darkness. Only the moonlight was there. I opened the suitcase and took out my uniform. A black flexible outfit to cover the body and a mask to cover the face in case there were cameras. I changed very fast. In no time, I was on his lawn and running towards the main door with the jute racks that I had brought in the suitcase. I had left the suitcase in the cover of the trees.
While running, my nose started itching worse than ever. And that was the time when my heart spoke to me. It asked me to turn and that this could very well be my last chance. I didn’t listen. I was a professional. It was a big day. For him and me. For the hunter and the hunted. I kept on telling myself that till I finally reached the bushes. Without making any sound, I just moved my hand through it. And it hit something immediately. It was a wooden box. My estimate was very accurate. I opened the box slowly. And there it lay. Silver and shining in the moonlight, my pass to get through this main door, they key of the door! How foolish could the man get? I looked around. I saw nobody. It was very dark. Even if there was somebody, there was no way they could see me. I put the key into the keyhole and turned. My nose was scratching a lot. But I was too excited. Big day at work. On the other side of this door lay a treasure that would be mine forever. As usual, I opened the door very fast, sneaked inside and closed it as soon as I was inside. All this at lightning speed. It was dark inside too. But as soon as I turned, the lights went on and around a twenty people were standing there and all of them went like ‘Surpraaaaaaaaaise!’
I am ashamed of what I am about to say. I got scared for sure. Anybody would. But I was so shocked that my heart beat rate increased ten times and the only thing that came out of my mouth was ‘HOLY MOLY!’ I don’t know what that meant. In fact I don’t even remember my exact words. I just remember seeing the complex expressions of a few people. I also remember taking two steps near the sofa. But my heart beat had increased so much that I passed out! Me, the greatest thief, second only to Little Nicky, fainted in front of twenty people while doing my work on the biggest day of my life. I fainted! But the words kept on going on in my mind. Big day at work, for him and me. Big day at work, for him and me.
When I opened my eyes, I was here in jail as expected. Now they tell me that the jail doctor is going to diagnose me for my “illness”. My reputation is all ruined. Initially I was the thief who was the second best. Now I am the thief who fainted! I guess I am going to stay here for quite a long time now. I will keep writing about my incidents as a thief though. And other thieves’ stories too. There isn’t much to do around here. They do give me a pencil and a paper to write though. And food to eat too. Food that you might call disgusting. But I like the food here. It’s for free after all. And for the first time, I am eating something that I have earned! Not exactly earned. But you could say I didn’t steal this food. That is as good as earning. The doctor is here then. I should get myself checked then. And as for my tragic incident, I guess you already got the catch. It wasn’t a big day at his office for him. It was his birthday! See you again then. Bye.
I won’t say I was the best. Little Nicky was known to be the best. But I think I was better than him. His size was always an advantage that he had. He was a little man. He could make it through windows which were left half open or any other such openings. I could not. What could I do? I was given this huge body by the almighty. It would have been very useful in the old times where there were no weapons and a man’s strength would be decided by the strength of his arms. But the situation now is different. You see trolls mastered by men who can be picked up by their hair.
Anyways, let me tell you about what happened to me. There was this house that I had to rob. The man living there was rich for sure. He had a nice car and I had never seen anybody else going in or coming out of his house. He was rich and alone, an ideal target for two kinds of people – a single girl and a thief. I obviously fall in the latter category. He did have many friends though. He would greet many people on his way to his parking and also at work. Yes I did follow him till there. I am a professional. I choose my targets very carefully. Again I can draw a comparison to a single girl stalking him. But she would be looking for any bad habits and other girls that the target is going out with. I, on the other hand, follow him just to know his schedule. But in the process I do end up finding his bad habits and his girlfriends too! But then I don’t care about them. I am a professional you see?
So I knew this person would not return home till ten on a Friday night. I had made the whole plan. His house was one of those row houses, royal enough for him to be called rich. All the houses in the row were alike. His lawn was properly maintained. It was very easy for me. Once it was dark, I would just walk to the main gate and then climb and jump on the other side on the lawn. Then I would run to the main door of the house. Now here is the catch. Here is the reason why I had chosen this house out of the row of similar looking houses. This man had just assumed that nobody was stalking him. And he used to keep his keys somewhere in the bushes besides his door. I had seen him do that secretly. And that is when I had decided that he was my man. Normally I can get through closed doors without keys. But that would make a little bit of noise. I had kept that as a backup plan.
Finally the day came. I had long awaited this day. My nose itched a lot since the morning. Going through my previous experience, it meant bad luck for me. The last time my nose itched, the house that I was robbing went all bong bong! There were alarms installed. I had managed a very close escape then. But then I am a professional. I didn’t believe in such blind beliefs. I went to my normal place from where I watched his house early morning, just to make sure he was leaving. And he did so. And he even hid the key in the bushes. He was looking more cheerful than ever though. And he was greeting more people than usual. I didn’t have time to notice this. Probably a big day at work. I kept telling myself these words. A big day at work. Not only for him, but for me too. I smiled, got up and left. I would come back later in the evening and clean his house, if you know what I mean! I was all ready and geared up. I dressed myself in casuals. Everything was well planned I believed. I took a suitcase and started walking towards the bus stop. I took a bus till a stop near his house. It was dark already. It was almost eight. I just needed fifteen minutes to clean his house. I hid myself in a shade of trees in the darkness. Only the moonlight was there. I opened the suitcase and took out my uniform. A black flexible outfit to cover the body and a mask to cover the face in case there were cameras. I changed very fast. In no time, I was on his lawn and running towards the main door with the jute racks that I had brought in the suitcase. I had left the suitcase in the cover of the trees.
While running, my nose started itching worse than ever. And that was the time when my heart spoke to me. It asked me to turn and that this could very well be my last chance. I didn’t listen. I was a professional. It was a big day. For him and me. For the hunter and the hunted. I kept on telling myself that till I finally reached the bushes. Without making any sound, I just moved my hand through it. And it hit something immediately. It was a wooden box. My estimate was very accurate. I opened the box slowly. And there it lay. Silver and shining in the moonlight, my pass to get through this main door, they key of the door! How foolish could the man get? I looked around. I saw nobody. It was very dark. Even if there was somebody, there was no way they could see me. I put the key into the keyhole and turned. My nose was scratching a lot. But I was too excited. Big day at work. On the other side of this door lay a treasure that would be mine forever. As usual, I opened the door very fast, sneaked inside and closed it as soon as I was inside. All this at lightning speed. It was dark inside too. But as soon as I turned, the lights went on and around a twenty people were standing there and all of them went like ‘Surpraaaaaaaaaise!’
I am ashamed of what I am about to say. I got scared for sure. Anybody would. But I was so shocked that my heart beat rate increased ten times and the only thing that came out of my mouth was ‘HOLY MOLY!’ I don’t know what that meant. In fact I don’t even remember my exact words. I just remember seeing the complex expressions of a few people. I also remember taking two steps near the sofa. But my heart beat had increased so much that I passed out! Me, the greatest thief, second only to Little Nicky, fainted in front of twenty people while doing my work on the biggest day of my life. I fainted! But the words kept on going on in my mind. Big day at work, for him and me. Big day at work, for him and me.
When I opened my eyes, I was here in jail as expected. Now they tell me that the jail doctor is going to diagnose me for my “illness”. My reputation is all ruined. Initially I was the thief who was the second best. Now I am the thief who fainted! I guess I am going to stay here for quite a long time now. I will keep writing about my incidents as a thief though. And other thieves’ stories too. There isn’t much to do around here. They do give me a pencil and a paper to write though. And food to eat too. Food that you might call disgusting. But I like the food here. It’s for free after all. And for the first time, I am eating something that I have earned! Not exactly earned. But you could say I didn’t steal this food. That is as good as earning. The doctor is here then. I should get myself checked then. And as for my tragic incident, I guess you already got the catch. It wasn’t a big day at his office for him. It was his birthday! See you again then. Bye.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Summer heat.
Here it comes again.
The heat that causes so much pain.
It makes people who are sane,
Do things that are totally insane.
Let me give you an example.
I could even call it a sample.
A friend caught fire on his hair,
And he ran around here and there like a hare.
What, you may ask, was wrong with the sun.
Had he decided to have some fun?
Does anyone of you like Maggi out there?
That thing that looks like an ox’s hair.
Well, they can’t sell raw Maggi anymore.
It gets cooked right up to the core.
That is the amount of heat around here.
Saying this brings in me a huge tear.
Water-shortage problem no longer prevails.
Even though water-bottle companies see a drop in sales.
They have all started biting their nails,
Because the substitute used is the sweat of all males.
The greatest torture still remains.
It is worse than the beatings of all the canes.
Sitting in a lecture is what I am referring to.
Just sitting and absorbing heat there is what we do.
We think when the teaching gets steady,
Aren’t we suffering enough already?
Summer is here, summer is here.
Finally something that we all can fear.
But God still considers us all very dear.
So just enjoy as long as you are here!
The heat that causes so much pain.
It makes people who are sane,
Do things that are totally insane.
Let me give you an example.
I could even call it a sample.
A friend caught fire on his hair,
And he ran around here and there like a hare.
What, you may ask, was wrong with the sun.
Had he decided to have some fun?
Does anyone of you like Maggi out there?
That thing that looks like an ox’s hair.
Well, they can’t sell raw Maggi anymore.
It gets cooked right up to the core.
That is the amount of heat around here.
Saying this brings in me a huge tear.
Water-shortage problem no longer prevails.
Even though water-bottle companies see a drop in sales.
They have all started biting their nails,
Because the substitute used is the sweat of all males.
The greatest torture still remains.
It is worse than the beatings of all the canes.
Sitting in a lecture is what I am referring to.
Just sitting and absorbing heat there is what we do.
We think when the teaching gets steady,
Aren’t we suffering enough already?
Summer is here, summer is here.
Finally something that we all can fear.
But God still considers us all very dear.
So just enjoy as long as you are here!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Letter to God
Dear God,
I am writing this letter to you sitting here on the last bench of my maths class. I am really scared God. Please help me. I know I have not been praying for many days now and that I haven’t been respecting you too much. But Mummy always says that you do exist. I didn’t believe her. But somewhere inside me, I knew I did. I have always believed in you my lord. Please get me out of this situation. Please help me this one time and I will do anything for you. I guarantee that. Please have some mercy. These tears falling from my eyes onto this ruled page are not made up my lord.
I know you might be present somewhere around here but I will tell you the situation in brief just in case you have not noticed what’s going on. My teacher is making students stand up one by one and asking them how they solved each question in the homework that she gave a week ago. There are ten questions. I just calculated and found out that I am the tenth man in the line. I am going to have to answer the last question. I have read it my lord. But I have no idea what it is about. The only words that make sense to me are Tom, cake shop, cakes, cost of one cake, total cost, etc. Don’t you agree with me that this doesn’t really form a part of maths?
Oh my god! She has reached the eighth person. Please God. Do something. I don’t want to face her. Please lord. Wait a minute. Why is that new student late? He is saying something like he couldn’t find out where the classroom was. Chump! Anyways, please think of a way my lord. I have heard so much of you. Please apply your magic here. Yes, yes! Do that! Make me the eleventh man! Make the boy sit in front of me. The seat is empty. Yes come on. Make him keep walking. Yes that’s it. Almost there. Keep walking. Yeah right there. Sit. Sit. Yes! Thank you so much my lord. Thank you very much. I can never repay you back, my lord. I can never repay you back.
By the way, I hope you are not expecting me to pray and all that now. Thanks for the favour. But praying isn’t really my style. I hope you didn’t take that seriously. It was just a deal okay? Don’t feel sad. It’s all just business. Pure business.
Teacher: Hey you there. That boy behind the new student scribbling something on that paper. Give a summary of how all the questions were solved.
I am writing this letter to you sitting here on the last bench of my maths class. I am really scared God. Please help me. I know I have not been praying for many days now and that I haven’t been respecting you too much. But Mummy always says that you do exist. I didn’t believe her. But somewhere inside me, I knew I did. I have always believed in you my lord. Please get me out of this situation. Please help me this one time and I will do anything for you. I guarantee that. Please have some mercy. These tears falling from my eyes onto this ruled page are not made up my lord.
I know you might be present somewhere around here but I will tell you the situation in brief just in case you have not noticed what’s going on. My teacher is making students stand up one by one and asking them how they solved each question in the homework that she gave a week ago. There are ten questions. I just calculated and found out that I am the tenth man in the line. I am going to have to answer the last question. I have read it my lord. But I have no idea what it is about. The only words that make sense to me are Tom, cake shop, cakes, cost of one cake, total cost, etc. Don’t you agree with me that this doesn’t really form a part of maths?
Oh my god! She has reached the eighth person. Please God. Do something. I don’t want to face her. Please lord. Wait a minute. Why is that new student late? He is saying something like he couldn’t find out where the classroom was. Chump! Anyways, please think of a way my lord. I have heard so much of you. Please apply your magic here. Yes, yes! Do that! Make me the eleventh man! Make the boy sit in front of me. The seat is empty. Yes come on. Make him keep walking. Yes that’s it. Almost there. Keep walking. Yeah right there. Sit. Sit. Yes! Thank you so much my lord. Thank you very much. I can never repay you back, my lord. I can never repay you back.
By the way, I hope you are not expecting me to pray and all that now. Thanks for the favour. But praying isn’t really my style. I hope you didn’t take that seriously. It was just a deal okay? Don’t feel sad. It’s all just business. Pure business.
Teacher: Hey you there. That boy behind the new student scribbling something on that paper. Give a summary of how all the questions were solved.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Spiderman
“I was watching Spiderman the other day. The movie is good. But what the hell is the deal with his girlfriend? In the third part of the movie, she wants Spiderman to give her more attention. I didn’t get it. The guy is Spiderman. So what if he is not giving you his time? As long as he is calling you his girlfriend, you should be more than happy. Come on, the guy can climb walls for heaven’s sake. He can stop a moving train without applying brakes. What more do you want from a guy?
And if this shocked you, listen to what our hero does when his girlfriend tells him that she is done with him. The guy starts crying! No no. Not crying. The guy starts sobbing! What kind of a fool is he? I mean….he knows that he is one hell of a person with super powers and all that. And he is using that to save mankind from evil and this tiny person is trying to stop him. I would say that his girlfriend is his biggest enemy. The green goblin, doc oc, venom, sandman can’t make Spidey cry. But this girl with no super powers is making him cry. The girl is not even special. Believe me. All she knows is to shout. She has those piercing screams when she is kidnapped by someone. The scream is so irritating that if I were Spiderman, I would save her from the villain, but only because I want to do the honour of killing her myself. That’s how irritatingly she screams. But I guess it’s understandable. After all being kidnapped by a person with four mechanical arms isn’t really an experience that I have.
So let me tell you about the crying baby here. I just couldn’t believe it when spidey started crying. Grow up dude! You can so easily move on. You can get a better girl than her anytime. Come on man! You got stuff just popping our of your wrists man. Girls love that kind of stuff! And you got a sixth sense too. You can sense when your girl is mad at you or not. You are an ideal guy to be with. Girls would kill for you. And about this present girl of yours, I say you must torture her. You are saving innocent lives here man. And if that girl of yours is trying to stop you by blackmailing you emotionally, you should just tie her up somewhere in your cupboard. That sticky stuff that pops out of you could prove to be handy here.
Talking of that sticky stuff, that’s an amazing thing man. You gotta tell me what it’s made of. I tried a lot of stuff at home. I tried mixing all kinds of sticky things man. I don’t wanna go into details. Just that if I ever get into trouble and you saved me, instead of writing that crappy note saying “ Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”, you should rather write the composition of that sticky stuff.
And about that note that you leave all the time, I want to ask many things. Do you actually carry those notes in your pocket? And what if you fail to save someone one day? Do you carry a note for that situation also? Like maybe “Sorry. Couldn’t save you. Your friendly jerk, Spiderman.” And by the way, the note is a bad idea. One day a bank is going to get robbed and you are going to be busy taking care of that stupid girl of yours. The police are going to turn up over there just to find out that the money is missing and a note is displayed saying “Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”! Thieves these days are that smart! The police are going to come after you obviously. Then don’t cry about the fact that the papers say that you are a masked menace and all that crap.
And finally, one piece of advice man. Change your suit. Please do so. Or else you are going to be called a freak jumping in crotch-tight pants all over the city all your life. And no girl is coming after you then. Then don’t cry again!”
P.S : No offence to the movie. Spiderman is and will remain to be one of the best movies ever made. One of my favourites.
And if this shocked you, listen to what our hero does when his girlfriend tells him that she is done with him. The guy starts crying! No no. Not crying. The guy starts sobbing! What kind of a fool is he? I mean….he knows that he is one hell of a person with super powers and all that. And he is using that to save mankind from evil and this tiny person is trying to stop him. I would say that his girlfriend is his biggest enemy. The green goblin, doc oc, venom, sandman can’t make Spidey cry. But this girl with no super powers is making him cry. The girl is not even special. Believe me. All she knows is to shout. She has those piercing screams when she is kidnapped by someone. The scream is so irritating that if I were Spiderman, I would save her from the villain, but only because I want to do the honour of killing her myself. That’s how irritatingly she screams. But I guess it’s understandable. After all being kidnapped by a person with four mechanical arms isn’t really an experience that I have.
So let me tell you about the crying baby here. I just couldn’t believe it when spidey started crying. Grow up dude! You can so easily move on. You can get a better girl than her anytime. Come on man! You got stuff just popping our of your wrists man. Girls love that kind of stuff! And you got a sixth sense too. You can sense when your girl is mad at you or not. You are an ideal guy to be with. Girls would kill for you. And about this present girl of yours, I say you must torture her. You are saving innocent lives here man. And if that girl of yours is trying to stop you by blackmailing you emotionally, you should just tie her up somewhere in your cupboard. That sticky stuff that pops out of you could prove to be handy here.
Talking of that sticky stuff, that’s an amazing thing man. You gotta tell me what it’s made of. I tried a lot of stuff at home. I tried mixing all kinds of sticky things man. I don’t wanna go into details. Just that if I ever get into trouble and you saved me, instead of writing that crappy note saying “ Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”, you should rather write the composition of that sticky stuff.
And about that note that you leave all the time, I want to ask many things. Do you actually carry those notes in your pocket? And what if you fail to save someone one day? Do you carry a note for that situation also? Like maybe “Sorry. Couldn’t save you. Your friendly jerk, Spiderman.” And by the way, the note is a bad idea. One day a bank is going to get robbed and you are going to be busy taking care of that stupid girl of yours. The police are going to turn up over there just to find out that the money is missing and a note is displayed saying “Your friendly neighbourhood, Spiderman”! Thieves these days are that smart! The police are going to come after you obviously. Then don’t cry about the fact that the papers say that you are a masked menace and all that crap.
And finally, one piece of advice man. Change your suit. Please do so. Or else you are going to be called a freak jumping in crotch-tight pants all over the city all your life. And no girl is coming after you then. Then don’t cry again!”
P.S : No offence to the movie. Spiderman is and will remain to be one of the best movies ever made. One of my favourites.
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Whisperer - Award ceremony
I am interested in music. Once I got an invitation to attend an award ceremony. I was very excited about it. I dressed up in the best clothes that I could find and went to attend the ceremony. There were performances of singers also. Unfortunately for me, the whisperer was there. But he was mostly quiet in the beginning. I think he too is a fan of music. But then there was one performance by a young singer that wasn’t that good according to the standards of the whisperer. And so he got bored and started commenting after the performance was over and the female host started talking again.
“(What a crappy voice. The guy is a lion-tamer) Ladies and Gentlemen (What about me?). A big round of applause for the young singer (Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to sing another song!). That was a brilliant performance (She is a hell of a liar!). This itself shows the growing attachment of India to music (what crap!). Even the youth are now making brilliant performances (Yeah. Right!). And now is the time that you all have been waiting for (Are they serving food?) . The time to announce the best male singer of the year (Oh! Okay.). To present this award, we would like to call Mr. Ramdev, one of the greatest music composers in the country (Zimbabwe I guess. Never even heard of him).”
Mr. Ramdev was a very tall man. He was well dressed in traditional clothes. Looked like a typical music composer to me. He started speaking.
“All the nominees are so talented this time (so other times they are crappy?) that I guess it might have been very difficult for the jury to choose the best among these great singers. If I were to decide, I would give the award to everyone (That’s why they didn’t put you on the jury). But our culture demands us to compare everyone and select the best out of them (Obviously. This is the only way to identify who the losers are!). Although I don’t support this (we know you are just scared of losing), I think it’s fine as long as it is received in a positive spirit by all the singers (Look who’s talking!). So I guess I have talked too much (Did he hear me?). Let me get to the point (Yeah. The food). The award goes to………. (Oh come on! Just tell it. We gotta go to work tomorrow morning)
Samit Agarwal (WHAT?? THE CHUUUUMP).”
Samit was an unexpected winner. He was not my favourite. Turns out that same applied to the whisperer. Samit was a modern generation singer. Spiked hair, with a shade of green. The look was like he was a rock band member. But he was just a simple person inside gifted with great voice. He had been given a break by a renowned music director who he called Guru. And he was a little nervous person. Seems like he too was shocked. And he was a little weird. A perfect target for the whisperer.
“(What a peacock!)I can’t believe that I am receiving this award (Neither can we kid). I am absolutely stunned (so are we kid!). Okay I didn’t really work on a speech because I wasn’t really expecting to win (we also didn’t bring tomatoes to hit you with). But now that I have been given this award, I guess I am supposed to thank those who helped me (not really. You can just reject the award). Pardon me if I say something wrong (No!). I have never really done this (Yeah. We all have been doing this since we were born!)
So I must start by thanking my girlfriend sitting over there (Gosh! The new generation!). That pretty little girl giggling there (the joke’s on you chump. she can’t believe you won!). She was the one who, in the first place, believed in me and made me consider singing as a career (It’s all because of her then. Get her people!). My parents were not very sure about that but she somehow convinced them to let me at least try (that girl is getting to my nerves now!). If it wasn’t for her, then I would probably never take up singing seriously. (That’s it. I need to have a word with her!)
And of course my parents (the peacocks!). I guess today I have removed all doubts from your mind, haven’t I? (No son. We still don’t trust you) Now do you believe her? (no!) But I am still thankful to you too because you let me give it a shot (what do you mean “still”?). I guess we can drink beer together tonight Dad (Who’s gonna pay?). Don’t worry, I will make sure Mom doesn’t find out.(Dude! You just told her. Along with the whole world!)
And another sincere thanks to Guru sitting there. He launched me (who brought you back then?) and I can never do enough to thank him (You can by not insulting him publicly. The guy is scared to death). He is an awesome person (Nice start). Very cool. Never scolds you at all (That’s why you turned out like this!). Except for that one time in which I was late for the recording, I have never seen (his gun?) him angry. He made the atmosphere very friendly for me (hope you don’t mean literally!). He knew that I was new on the board and that I needed (to be disposed off) time and space (and money!). And he gave me exactly that (the money?). That’s why this award is also shared by him (don’t drag him into this). And I would also like to thank Innovation productions for all the money (is it over?). And of course the jury (they are a bunch of chumps!). I am compelled to say that it was a bold step that they chose me. (and a foolish one!)
And I thank all the people sitting over here for putting up with me with smiling faces (they are waiting for you to get down. You are soooo stabbed!). I hope to see you people next time also(Noooo!). Thank you. (Welcome)”
Poor whisperer. He was really disappointed that his favourite didn’t win. If you are reading this whisperer, you should come see me. I will console you. (Nice try! I don’t trust you!)
“(What a crappy voice. The guy is a lion-tamer) Ladies and Gentlemen (What about me?). A big round of applause for the young singer (Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to sing another song!). That was a brilliant performance (She is a hell of a liar!). This itself shows the growing attachment of India to music (what crap!). Even the youth are now making brilliant performances (Yeah. Right!). And now is the time that you all have been waiting for (Are they serving food?) . The time to announce the best male singer of the year (Oh! Okay.). To present this award, we would like to call Mr. Ramdev, one of the greatest music composers in the country (Zimbabwe I guess. Never even heard of him).”
Mr. Ramdev was a very tall man. He was well dressed in traditional clothes. Looked like a typical music composer to me. He started speaking.
“All the nominees are so talented this time (so other times they are crappy?) that I guess it might have been very difficult for the jury to choose the best among these great singers. If I were to decide, I would give the award to everyone (That’s why they didn’t put you on the jury). But our culture demands us to compare everyone and select the best out of them (Obviously. This is the only way to identify who the losers are!). Although I don’t support this (we know you are just scared of losing), I think it’s fine as long as it is received in a positive spirit by all the singers (Look who’s talking!). So I guess I have talked too much (Did he hear me?). Let me get to the point (Yeah. The food). The award goes to………. (Oh come on! Just tell it. We gotta go to work tomorrow morning)
Samit Agarwal (WHAT?? THE CHUUUUMP).”
Samit was an unexpected winner. He was not my favourite. Turns out that same applied to the whisperer. Samit was a modern generation singer. Spiked hair, with a shade of green. The look was like he was a rock band member. But he was just a simple person inside gifted with great voice. He had been given a break by a renowned music director who he called Guru. And he was a little nervous person. Seems like he too was shocked. And he was a little weird. A perfect target for the whisperer.
“(What a peacock!)I can’t believe that I am receiving this award (Neither can we kid). I am absolutely stunned (so are we kid!). Okay I didn’t really work on a speech because I wasn’t really expecting to win (we also didn’t bring tomatoes to hit you with). But now that I have been given this award, I guess I am supposed to thank those who helped me (not really. You can just reject the award). Pardon me if I say something wrong (No!). I have never really done this (Yeah. We all have been doing this since we were born!)
So I must start by thanking my girlfriend sitting over there (Gosh! The new generation!). That pretty little girl giggling there (the joke’s on you chump. she can’t believe you won!). She was the one who, in the first place, believed in me and made me consider singing as a career (It’s all because of her then. Get her people!). My parents were not very sure about that but she somehow convinced them to let me at least try (that girl is getting to my nerves now!). If it wasn’t for her, then I would probably never take up singing seriously. (That’s it. I need to have a word with her!)
And of course my parents (the peacocks!). I guess today I have removed all doubts from your mind, haven’t I? (No son. We still don’t trust you) Now do you believe her? (no!) But I am still thankful to you too because you let me give it a shot (what do you mean “still”?). I guess we can drink beer together tonight Dad (Who’s gonna pay?). Don’t worry, I will make sure Mom doesn’t find out.(Dude! You just told her. Along with the whole world!)
And another sincere thanks to Guru sitting there. He launched me (who brought you back then?) and I can never do enough to thank him (You can by not insulting him publicly. The guy is scared to death). He is an awesome person (Nice start). Very cool. Never scolds you at all (That’s why you turned out like this!). Except for that one time in which I was late for the recording, I have never seen (his gun?) him angry. He made the atmosphere very friendly for me (hope you don’t mean literally!). He knew that I was new on the board and that I needed (to be disposed off) time and space (and money!). And he gave me exactly that (the money?). That’s why this award is also shared by him (don’t drag him into this). And I would also like to thank Innovation productions for all the money (is it over?). And of course the jury (they are a bunch of chumps!). I am compelled to say that it was a bold step that they chose me. (and a foolish one!)
And I thank all the people sitting over here for putting up with me with smiling faces (they are waiting for you to get down. You are soooo stabbed!). I hope to see you people next time also(Noooo!). Thank you. (Welcome)”
Poor whisperer. He was really disappointed that his favourite didn’t win. If you are reading this whisperer, you should come see me. I will console you. (Nice try! I don’t trust you!)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Letters
Dear Josh,
Hope you are dead by now. I know it’s silly of me to write this letter. Given that dead mice can’t read. But still I am writing this letter hoping that if not your stinking body, at least your soul shall be literate enough to read this. I want to confess and explain a few things.
First of all, I never wanted to kill you. It was Ralph’s idea. I just wanted you out of my house. The mess that you caused when I was asleep (you have almost brought down the entire house), the embarrassment that you caused when I had guests was simply unbearable. And I guessed I had made myself clear when I tried to shoot you with that gun of mine before you ran back into your hole. But you never got the point. You were always this irritating piece of stinking flesh that liked to trouble me a lot. You might deny this to get yourself into the mice heaven. And I am not talking about my fridge. I am talking about the real mice heaven. But you know how irritating you were.
Second thing is that I wanted to apologize. Not for killing you. In fact I am a little glad that you are dead. When I said that I never wanted to kill you, I was lying. So I was saying. I wanted to apologize to you for killing you secretly. It’s not really my style. I would generally prefer to crush mice or just shoot them. But then you were too good to fall for any of these. That time when I made that whole contraption for you to die, I still don’t know how the hell you found out that it was actually a trap. Did you used to watch Tom and Jerry when I was not home?
Okay whatever. Third thing is that Ralph says hello. We are on a vacation. You may not know this. We left directly from Ralph’s house. As you already know, I haven’t been coming home for many nights now. It’s because of you making that noise. I just hate it. I wish like I could tie your tongue round your body twice. You could guess the magnitude of my anger from the way you died. Oh no wait I forgot. We chose Ralph’s way of killing you. See basically I wanted to blow you up and Ralph wanted to poison you. And we went with Ralph’s method because we need to show your body in the insurance claim. Okay that was a joke. I would like your departed soul to smile at least once. But then I guess it’s difficult to laugh on a joke made on your body like that. So I am sorry once again.
Anyways, I have to go now. Ralph and I are supposed to go see some museum. I hope there are no mice around there.
Hope you have taken the poison.
Your hopeful murderer
Joseph
P.S : There is no escaping. There is a back up plan. Ralph’s darling cat is waiting for you somewhere inside the house! So try to die in a very torturous way. That will make me and the cat feel good.
Reply from Josh.
Dear Joseph,
The cat ate the poison. It’s dead. I am sorry. Tell Ralph to let his future pet cat watch Tom and Jerry. Unpleasant surprises waiting for you back home. Come back soon. Missing you.
Your failed attempt
Kuzo
P.S : For the 100th time, my name is not Josh. It’s Kuzo.
Hope you are dead by now. I know it’s silly of me to write this letter. Given that dead mice can’t read. But still I am writing this letter hoping that if not your stinking body, at least your soul shall be literate enough to read this. I want to confess and explain a few things.
First of all, I never wanted to kill you. It was Ralph’s idea. I just wanted you out of my house. The mess that you caused when I was asleep (you have almost brought down the entire house), the embarrassment that you caused when I had guests was simply unbearable. And I guessed I had made myself clear when I tried to shoot you with that gun of mine before you ran back into your hole. But you never got the point. You were always this irritating piece of stinking flesh that liked to trouble me a lot. You might deny this to get yourself into the mice heaven. And I am not talking about my fridge. I am talking about the real mice heaven. But you know how irritating you were.
Second thing is that I wanted to apologize. Not for killing you. In fact I am a little glad that you are dead. When I said that I never wanted to kill you, I was lying. So I was saying. I wanted to apologize to you for killing you secretly. It’s not really my style. I would generally prefer to crush mice or just shoot them. But then you were too good to fall for any of these. That time when I made that whole contraption for you to die, I still don’t know how the hell you found out that it was actually a trap. Did you used to watch Tom and Jerry when I was not home?
Okay whatever. Third thing is that Ralph says hello. We are on a vacation. You may not know this. We left directly from Ralph’s house. As you already know, I haven’t been coming home for many nights now. It’s because of you making that noise. I just hate it. I wish like I could tie your tongue round your body twice. You could guess the magnitude of my anger from the way you died. Oh no wait I forgot. We chose Ralph’s way of killing you. See basically I wanted to blow you up and Ralph wanted to poison you. And we went with Ralph’s method because we need to show your body in the insurance claim. Okay that was a joke. I would like your departed soul to smile at least once. But then I guess it’s difficult to laugh on a joke made on your body like that. So I am sorry once again.
Anyways, I have to go now. Ralph and I are supposed to go see some museum. I hope there are no mice around there.
Hope you have taken the poison.
Your hopeful murderer
Joseph
P.S : There is no escaping. There is a back up plan. Ralph’s darling cat is waiting for you somewhere inside the house! So try to die in a very torturous way. That will make me and the cat feel good.
Reply from Josh.
Dear Joseph,
The cat ate the poison. It’s dead. I am sorry. Tell Ralph to let his future pet cat watch Tom and Jerry. Unpleasant surprises waiting for you back home. Come back soon. Missing you.
Your failed attempt
Kuzo
P.S : For the 100th time, my name is not Josh. It’s Kuzo.
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