Comedian - 2

“What’s the deal with all comedians starting their act with ‘what’s the deal with.....’? They all have a fixed set of sentences. They all go like ‘what’s the deal with this. What’s the deal with that? Last time I checked, two thousand was a big number.’ And they all laugh about it. I don’t get it. I seriously don’t. I mean where the hell do you get to check if thousand is a big number or not? And even if there is such a place, didn’t you know it already that thousand is a pretty big number? I would say half of the people laughing out so loud are laughing at their stupidity more than their jokes.

Anyways, I just wanted to know how come all these comedians come up with the same sort of lines and the same kind of style. I mean, is there something like a meeting held by you guys somewhere in private? Or is there something like a Bible or an encyclopaedia that you guys follow? If there are such things, why am I not aware of them? After all I too am a comedian. Maybe not a big shot. But surely I have class. I wouldn’t be cracking up so many people in the same restaurant for five years otherwise. Some of them have even turned up for the same act twice. So either I am a good comedian or those people have really got nothing else to do with their lives. I want to remove the second option but then looking at the number of beer glasses per table, I have a feeling that I am sort of right to assume that it’s really not me. It’s their lives.

Anyways, did I tell you guys about the movie that I went for the other day? Well, for those who have already come here once before this week, I guess I have told you. But I don’t think it would do us harm to hear it again, would it? And besides, I don’t have anything else to talk about. So unless a fool amongst you stands up to me and says ‘That’s it jerk. You are so damn repetitive. Even I could do better than this’, I shall stand my ground, and continue talking.

So I go to the theatre. The movie’s awesome. Dil Chahta Hai. I bet most of you here like it. Now we can easily answer questions like my favourite character is him or her or whatever. But I got an important question. What do you guys have to say about Rohit? Okay I guess not many of you know remember him. Let me remind you. Rohit is the guy whose parents took care of Shalini since her childhood after her parents passed away. Rohit falls in love with Shalini and decides to marry her. But Shalini has fallen for Aakash. And then there are instances wherein Rohit is shown to be very possessive about Shalini. In fact he even punches Aakash in the face once. But finally Aakash turns up on the Sangeet night before their marriage and proposes to Shalini in front of almost 300 people, who by the way have got nothing to do with the 300 men who fought for Sparta in the movie 300. Although now that I think of it, it would be pretty interesting to have those 300 people here, wouldn’t it? Anyways, let’s not deviate here. I must accept it though. It is really difficult to just swing around this notional concept of having those 300 men over here and not say a word about it. But I shall control my urge to make fun.

So now, back to where we were, Aakash proposes to Shalini in front of so many people. Rohit comes forward to punch Aakash again. But his father stops him. They take Shalini in a room and question her about her preferences. You know, stuff like ‘what sort of a guy you like and who’s her type’ and all that. And then they come out of the room. Rohit’s father plays the old game of making everyone think that he does not support Aakash and Shalini, and then finally in his last line, he asks her to marry Aakash after scolding her so much. And then Shalini hugs Aakash. Rohit is not happy. He comes forward to take Shalini forcibly. Aakash stops him and punches him in the face. He falls down. Aakash gives him a hand to get up. He gets up and leaves. All is well. Nicely done. Now I have one major question. What do you think about Rohit? Hate him? I am sure. But I think you should look at the story from his point of view before judging him. Here goes.

‘I fell in love with the girl who was brought up by my own parents as if their own daughter. I liked her a lot. She was very pretty and bubbly. I just wanted to spend my life with her. But there was this guy who was after her. And she too sort of acted as if she liked him a little bit. But she never told me that she doesn’t want to be with me. So I started getting frustrated and became more and more possessive day by day. Finally it was one day before my marriage. Almost 300 guests were there (Oh come on! Could we just stick to ‘many guests’ rather than that number? It’s becoming more difficult for me to control). All the guests were my friends, relatives, etc. They all respected me. Then Aakash turns up and proposes to MY girl in MY wedding in front of MY guests. I get mad and want to hit him. MY father stops me. MY father, MY mother, MY girl go and talk inside MY house. They all come out. MY father decides to marry off MY girl to MY competitor. And this decision is made in MY marriage in front of all MY guests. So I get mad. I want to hit Aakash. MY face gets punched by Aakash. MY father sits quiet. MY guests are just watching. I fall down on MY ground. I take Aakash’s hand and get up and then walk away. Just walk away. Leaving MY girl behind in MY enemy’s hands in MY own marriage and MY own parents on his side.’

This is my point. I feel sorry for him more than hatred or anger. And those who still don’t feel sorry for him, it’s about time you buy yourself a heart. And guess what the worst part is. After going through so much, he doesn’t even get to be the lead actor. I mean this guy’s life is sad man. Totally sad. He just got insulted in front of three....so many people. Please let’s not say the number. I am working really hard to suppress my urges here.

But this was not my main story by the way. My main story was about this guy who was in the theatre. I don’t know where he was sitting. His cell phone started ringing in the middle of the movie. And I was like totally angered by it. But then I gave him the benefit of one mistake. He might have forgotten to put it in silent mode. But I was wrong. This guy does not switch off his cell phone or turn it to silent mode. He receives the call. Okay, I say. Maybe an emergency. Maybe somebody is waiting outside or something like that. But no. He is simply talking to his friend about organizing a party. And that was the limit. He was like ‘Thursday? Thursday’s good? Oh yeah, her exams are getting over on Thursday right? Yeah yeah. Yeah I am bringing the food. We have a few more burgers added right? Yeah sure. What are you going to do with that repair work in your house? Really? Great man. Now we got all the time we want. Friday? No man Friday’s not good for me. I got new movies to watch man. You know me. Always catching the first shows. Sunday is good. Sid is coming? What time? That’s too early man. We gotta chill at night man .Not on Sunday. We have an entire free week after that. Yeah. You didn’t know? Classes postponed right? So when do we have it? God it’s tough.’

And then suddenly someone from somewhere else in the hall shouts ,
’HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOR GOD’S SAKE’.
And then someone else somewhere else in the hall goes like ‘Hey I am not free on Monday. I gotta rewatch this movie’. There were a few laughs among the crowd here and there. And then the comments started coming in. All making fun of the guy talking on phone. Pretty funny comments. And then I thought, maybe I should put in my own comment. A funny one. I have got to think of one. After all comedy is what I do for a living. So I seize my moment and shout out

‘Even we have phones you know?’

Silence. Stunned silence. Nobody laughs. Nobody chuckles. Nobody sneezes. Although I bet I heard a popcorn crunch. And then another guy goes ‘That was sad man. You gotta work on that!’ And then more started pouring in.

‘Yeah man. That was sad. Real sad.’

‘You could get a job to talk at funerals man.’

‘Did I miss something? Sorry I had slept off because of the immense boredom of that comment.’

‘I like the phone guy better now.’

‘We hate you. Show yourself.’

‘I feel like walking out right now. I mean the movie is awesome. But I bet I almost walked out.’

It was so embarrassing. I was just thankful that nobody knew that it was me, the guy who earns a living out of making jokes.
It was a sad day for me. But I didn’t get demoralised. I took inspiration from Rohit. I mean, what was my insult compared to his insult? Here, not a single person knew it was me. There, all 300 of them knew that it was him. Yes I know I know. I am controlling it. It’s really hard. 300 warriors present in the wedding (rather, the Sangeet). Oh what the hell? Who am I kidding? I can’t hold it in anymore.
‘(The leader shouting)SPAAAAARTAAAA. WHO ARE WE WITH?’
‘(chorus) HOO.... HOO.....’
‘(The leader again)SPAAAAAARTAAA. THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHO ARE WE SUPPORTING?’
‘(chorus) HOO....HOO....’
‘(Leader, pained now) You know what? Just go ahead and kill whoever comes first. We will say we were supporting the other guy.’”
He took a bow and left. They all started applauding. It was routine. They ate their food and left. Many of them would come back for his next act soon.

PS : No offence to Dil Chahta Hai or 300. Both are classics. Do watch them if you haven’t.