Uncalculated Proposal

The Whisperer irritating.....

I once attended a class. It was a very innovative concept. I can’t describe it much. Because I couldn’t listen to everything that was going on. Because obviously the whisperer was present. We were all audience to a group of people who were taking the class for some time now. It was a promotional exercise conducted by the class management to get more people to join it. The whisperer seemed to be brought to the demonstration forcibly. It was clear that he thought that the concept was foolish.

Teacher : We have all heard that to be successful in life, you should (not attend such classes) take over your weaknesses. You should convert them into your strengths. Today’s class is going to help us learn to do that (A class to ‘help’ us learn? More like a class to ‘make’ us learn). Now, it is a pretty simple thing that we are going to do today (raise our left foot as high as we can?). To summarize it, we are going to listen to one weakness that each person in this class has. And we are going to suggest to that person ways in which he or she could convert them into a strength (What? You got to be kidding me). Let me give you an example (It’s like explaining your joke. Feels bad, doesn’t it?). Rakesh here has a weakness of forgetting things very fast (what was his name?). We all know how difficult it is to get him to remember when and where our next class is going to be (Oh! I wish I were Rakesh). So for his example, I might suggest a method to convert this into a strength. What Rakesh has is a gift (from?). A gift from God himself (Oh I doubt that lady). To use it properly, Rakesh must gain control over this weakness and he can then use it to forget only those things that he wants to forget (like his wife’s birthday). Say for example somebody hurting his feelings. We all know holding a grudge does us no good (it does to me). Rakesh can make it very easy for himself to not hold a grudge against anyone. Because he simply won’t remember the pain that person caused. Do you agree with me Rakesh?

Rakesh : Totally madam (hey! He remembered that she was a lady)

Teacher : So class, let’s begin to conquer our weaknesses (by running out of this room?). Starting from you Riya. What do you think is your greatest weakness?

Riya : Okay. I don’t know which one to say (oh come on. Spill it already). But I think my problem is that I am too self-conscious (of course you are. You are a girl!). I give a lot of importance to myself. I tend to get a little shaky in parties assuming that everyone is simply observing me (Shaky? So that’s why they say you dance so well?). Yeah. That’s it. That’s my greatest weakness.

Teacher : Very good Riya. It takes immense courage to acknowledge your weakness. And you have just demonstrated it. So class, can anyone come up with a solution to that now? Yes Sagar.

Sagar : What I think is our friend should start writing articles (could we talk about Riya rather than your friend) and short stories or maybe even a novel (going too far little boy). And she could do this in the first person. Everybody likes to read stuff that is in first person (as long as that ‘stuff’ is not a book). She will be able to describe her feelings really well because she knows quite a lot about them (apparently, that is the only thing she knows!). What Riya can write is something all of us think about us from within but are not able to put it in words. I think Riya can do it quite well.

Teacher : Excellent Sagar (Bravo Sagar). There you go Riya. Sagar just opened up a world of choices for you (now it’s your job to close it). You can start writing (What are you waiting for? The main character to form in your mind?). Okay let’s take the next person (and throw him out of the window into the garbage pit before he comes up with a stupid weakness). Tell us your weakness Sameer.

Sameer : Uh. Let me think. I am trying to come up with something that is really weak in me. Can I think for some more time? (I got it. He is slow in his mind. Maybe he should be a listener. That’s a great job. Doesn’t pay much though!)

Teacher : Sure Sameer. We will take Gautam in the meantime (open the window guys). Yes Gautam, you seem to be wanting to tell something really badly (or maybe he just wants to use the bathroom).

Gautam : I want to tell my weakness. My weakness is my anger (woah! Careful people). My loved ones keep telling me that I do the meanest things when I am angry (‘Loved ones’ seems to be a misnomer then). There was this time when I once threw a plate full of food out of the window because my wife had not cooked it like I wanted her to (I kinda like the Hulk more now). I don’t even remember doing this in my anger (maybe it was a dream. But then I guess yours came true!). But now that I look back, I feel like a moron for being so angry at her (Oh come on. You could do worse. Like shooting her in the eye with a bullet that you yourself make sharp by rubbing it on a knife’s edge which can be a backup in case she lives).

Teacher : That is very mature of you to accept it Gautam (In short, we agree with you that you are a moron). Other than the fact that you have realised your mistake now, I think this class will provide you with more suggestions on ways to control it (How about buying plates that are nailed to the table?). Okay then. Who has the solution? You can speak Jasmine (flowers don’t speak. Oh. Okay. Got it. My bad)

Jasmine : I think Gautam can be very good in the army. He can learn to control his anger and direct it in the right direction (yeah right. Next thing we know might be that he blew up our entire army over an argument about who is stronger : Superman or a battle tank?)

Teacher: That is a very innovative suggestion Jasmine. There you go Gautam. You can always be an army man (yeah. You have to just give a test and run like a dog on the ground for five years). Okay we have one more solution from Dilip. You can speak Dilip.

Dilip : Well I think anger is something that can’t really be controlled. I think
anger has to be destroyed. I think Gautam should go for anger management course (seems like the plate belonged to Dilip!)

Teacher : It is a person to person case really. This class is not meant to discuss each person’s private life (Oh thank God). We should provide them with options that they can choose. That was very kind of you Dilip to try and help Gautam (But who is going to help Dilip now?). Okay I think David has a weakness now. You can speak David.

David : I tend to take a lot of tension (What? Really? That is terrible? Will you be alright? Please talk to me. Loser!). Even small things make me very tense. Small things like a punctured tyre, some undone business, some disagreement (some new species of bird discovered?). It could be anything. I just worry a lot about it.

Teacher : That is a very common problem in our country David (sad). And we wonder why there are so many BP patients in our country (so we have finally figured out the reason. Now let’s figure out the cure). Okay. So has anyone come up with a solution? Yes Rohit. Please speak.

Rohit : He can take up a job which requires minute attention (like observing a dog hiding his bone?). Say for example he could be an inspector in a car-making industry (I think those jobs are already taken). Or any other industry which requires attention to detail (tell me one industry which does not!). Because it seems he won’t take deviations from standard values lightly. He will be very tensed about them. That’s what companies are looking for (yeah right. People who go berserk if one product has failed in an inspection)

Teacher : Very good Rohit. That was a very nice suggestion. Hope it helps David in some way (maybe he can calibrate his ears with the sound levels coming out of Rohit’s mouth). Okay. Sameer seems to have finally come up with something (Finally!). Please speak Sameer (For God’s sake Sameer, please speak now).

Sameer : I think my problem is that I am more of a words man than an action man (how precise!). My weakness is that I am full of words but my actions are not even close to what I say. I hope you get what I am trying to say (we are not fools now, Sameer)

Teacher : Definitely Sameer. And I think somebody already has a solution for you. You can speak Jasmine (I think he should be a sales executive).

Jasmine : He can be a manager or a sales executive (Huh? Am I that loud? I need to calibrate my sound levels myself)

Teacher : That was really funny and enlightening at the same time Jasmine (Thank you). Rakesh, you can speak (Was that a question or an order?).

Rakesh : (Isn’t he the guy with amnesia?) I think Sameer should be in the entertainment business. Like an actor or something. I think he will do good there (And I was expecting him to say ‘Where are we?’)

Teacher : Good one Rakesh (We will remember that. Unlike you). There you go Sameer. You have two options now. Okay class. I think that is all for this exercise. I hope you got the gist of it. We will be having this exercise once every week (why is everything bad called ‘exercise’?). Next week I want all of you to come with written weaknesses (That’s a good business for the paper industry). That will make this more organised (We can then call it ‘organised foolishness’). That is all for now class. We will meet next week. I will mail you the timings. Thank you. (Who is going to bring Rakesh?)

The whisperer seems to be losing his touch now. But then who cares? I never liked him anyways (That’s what they keep telling themselves on and on. Love me or hate me. But you cannot go without thinking about me)